Slept with someone during a break up

[Mason4572]

Im needing advice. My partner and I broke up for a month 3 months ago and I slept with someone else in that time. My partner and I decided to give things another go and I never told him about that one night. He never asked. To this day the guilt is eating me up inside, our relationship has been amazing since coming back together and I feel if I tell him it will be over. Any advice? Got tested before I slept with him again etc and everything was ok! Help

Reason for break up, I broke up with him cause he was hiding a 3 day message a thon with another women and didn't hear from him for the moneth. Thought it was really over.

Why did you get back with him? Three day text-a-thon with another woman - he could fuck right off for good.

You were on a break...I bet he slept with at least one woman and hasn’t given it another thought.

We’ve all been there and I would not worry about it. It does feel “Ross and Rachel”, but if he ever find out in the future just let him know you never told him as you were single at the time. Don’t feel guilty at all.

Be careful about what your motives are for telling him. I don’t actually believe ‘honesty is the best policy’ applies in these situations.

Often people ‘vomit’ news like this into their partner’s lap in an attempt to make themselves feel better. How fair or caring is that to the partner? How respectful to your relationship? There doesn’t seem to be any pressing external need to let him know- no pregnancy, STD, no chance of the lover coming forward? Then maybe deal with your guilt on your own (or with a counsellor).

Also maybe examine this overwhelming guilt thing. Have you bought into some religious or cultural idea that you can’t/shouldn’t have sex unless it’s with the love of your life? Do you believe that couples must absolutely share every single thing that ever happens to them with each other, otherwise it isn’t ‘true love’? Do you think you’ve somehow tainted your relationship and given up any right to fidelity from him into the future?

All these are possible, but not really feasible policies to take into modern relationships, surely? Sounds to me (I may well be older than you) like the kind of thinking someone does when they are a bit immature, a bit of a drama-llama or a bit indoctrinated by a ‘reality tv’ idea of romance. Sorry, if that’s harsh.

Your choices aren’t just ‘tell or don’t tell’. You can also unpack and process this guilt on your own, stop building it into the Secret Of The Ages, and forget about it altogether. Only one person is giving this other guy importance and relevance in your forward relationship. Seems a lot of power to give a fairly random one-night-stand.

Put it behind you, don’t look back.

You’d split up. You could have shagged the whole of London without guilt. You were a free agent. I’ll bet he wasn’t celibate. I’d put money on him having been all over that other woman like a rash - hell, he was lining her up while you were still together.

Don't tell him. If you are back together it must be because you both want to make a go of it. I hope it works.

You didn't cheat. No need to tell him and no need to feel guilty.

He slept with someone else, you slept with someone else. Unless it was like his brother or best friend then it's all fine. No need to fret over it

You werent together. None of his business.

I guess my fear is if one day he finds out and I haven't told him or been the one to tell him. But thank you, you guys have made me feel heaps better.

I’m guessing he hasn’t asked if you slept with someone during the break because he did too and would have to admit to it.
It will just hurt your OH if you tell him. Try to let it go and move on 🌺

No he never ever asked! I didn't either cause I honestly didnt want to know and what he did can stay in the past. Guess I need to take on this mentality too ;-)

Darling, he was shagging someone else that month too.

Why are you back with him?

Don't tell him, because your guilt about it is misplaced, and if he has another sextathon, he'll throw it back in your face.

Safetyfreak - Honestly that makes me feel better:-) I hope he did.

Category12 sometimes I ask myself the same question, months of guilt but ultimately the relationship ended cause he was flirting with another women and kept it secret, I only found out cause my gut was screaming something was wrong and i checked his phone and boom!

'You are so beautiful' to someone who was not me.

Excellent reason to end it.

So what's with giving it another go? You'd done the hard bit.

I put everything into this relationship and wanted to hear him out and always believe in second chances. I must say its been hard. Very hard.

Up to you OP if you tell him. Some of us here will support you. Others will castigate you. Stick with the supporters.
It's understandable you're feeling guilt, but you really have done nothing wrong. It will pass.

It doesn't sound like a great relationship tbh.

He's flirting before marriage and kids....just the two if you...When it's meant to be easy living and a lot less stress.

What happens when things get tough? Second chances are all well and good...but ignoring character flaws whev it's easier to walk away...isn't the best idea.

Trust is important...are you going to be policing his phone and jumping whev he gets text notifications.

No need to tell him. I think most people would rather not know and acknowledge it isn't their business. He probably slept with people too, but it doesn't matter.

I would tell him if it's likely to come up- e.g. it was a mutual friend. Otherwise, nope.

No comment on his behaviour otherwise

Are you scared of telling him because you know he'll be angry, throw it in your face, call you names and try to pretend you somehow cheated on him?

If so, then he doesn't sound like a good guy to be getting back with.

It's none of his business but I would be wary of being in a relationship with him.

Your partner has cheated on you. This may all be in the recent past but why are you wanting to 'confess' something completely unnecessary and effectively hand power back to him?

You sure you’re not feeling guilty for letting yourself down by getting back with him? Just a thought.

Firstly it’s none of his business what you did or didn’t do in the time you weren’t together.

Do you think on some level you want to tell him now because you don’t actually want to be with him after all and this would be a “good” reason for him to break up with you because you can’t bring yourself to do it?

But please don’t tell him as someone else said upthread it just hands him back some kind of “power” and vindicates (in his mind) his previous bad behaviour. I think you should end it with him once and for all.