Advice

[Zaramarried16]

Married for 3 years. 2 children. Dh left engineer work to start work under the HR dept within his company about 1yr ago.
Unfortunately this is when I started noticing some odd things they might petty and I might be over reacting that’s why I need some advice.
Business trips became more frequent, his schedule was all the place.
On 2 occasions while away he was unreachable to speak to he text for a short while sporadically then disappeared absolutely nothing from him no answer, no reply to text. And no goodnight text which he has done for the 14 years we’ve together whenever we’re apart he always messages me before he goes bed.
More recently He came home from work one day when he took his shirt off he had 3 vertical scratch marks on both sides of his hip/ lower back area. I asked him, he didn’t know.
He has parcels delivered to our house nearly everyday his always buy random things, weirdly his on annual leave and ordered something that’s now been sent to work.
He is always buying me and the dc gifts and things which is lovely but I hope it’s for the right reasons.

I discussed a few issues I had with his change in behaviour and working away so often. First he said he thought I was stable which really got me annoyed then he saw it from my point of view and explained the best he could although there was no explaination for not returning my call. I took his word and moved on from the subject we cleared the air and I felt happier I dealt with it the way I did.
A couple months ago he was out with friends from early afternoon TIL the next day drinking I found out he had taken drugs I wasn’t happy so waited TIL we was alone to talk about it. I was met with complete denial he flat out denyed it. I didn’t say how I knew I just waited a couple more days and bought the subject back up again and he looked me in the face and lied again. I told him I know he did so he needs to be honest with me. He finally did admit it but said he didn’t want me to think that way of him. My issue is that he was able to lie to my face had I not been certain of the fact I’d have believed him which begs the question what else is he lying about. I’m not sure at all??

Er, yeah, there's no reason to be unsure about things. Your instincts are bang on I'm afraid

And about those vertical lines on his hips... you and I both know there is only one way to get such marks. We both know it. I'm so sorry.

he said I might have done the scratches I’ve since scratched him with my nails and nothing.
He very freely took his clothes off it was hot he didn’t seem to try to hide the scratches.

He touches me in a different way when we have sex I was his first experience we met young. I asked him why he touched me that way as he never did if before he said he watched porn and read about it.
🤔

You don't sound convinced. I don't blame you.

Of course he didn't hide the scratches, that would have looked dodgy. Better to give a breezy, "oh these? I hadn't even noticed them, no idea what those are, maybe you scratches me", and hope you don't dwell on it and it passed by as unremarkably as he made it out to be.

Don't silence that niggling little voice, it's trying to help you. What else is it saying?

It’s saying he wouldn’t do that....
He is with me in his spare time. Like, when I said his work schedule is all over the place well when his away from Sunday to fri if a course gets cancelled for the fri he comes home. If I was doing something with someone and stealing time here and there if I had a free day I’d use it. Not sure what the sinking feeling in my stomach is but it’s so annoying I feel like I’m losing it, I don’t want to be suspicious I Want to trust him so I’m trying to believe him but unfortunately i don’t know what’s true anymore.
thanks for your honest opinion

I could be wrong... I don't think I am, but of course I could be. But hey, don't put too much trust in the practicalities like him finding the time etc. That's no substitute for trusting HIM. And if you don't, there's at least a 50% chance that's because of him and not you.

Update
I’ve since found a suspicious contact saved in his work phone it’s not a persons name but a number of house and rd name??
I’ve saved the number in my phone to search it on what’s app the number is that of a woman’s.
Completely confused as this number has been added to this phone fairly recently - also the passcode was changed on his work phone - he says it’s due to data protection for work reasons he changes the password twice a year similar to prompts from work computers which is totally understandable but I didn’t think iPhones request password change ever.
Any thoughts on this weird contact I can’t think why anyone would save someone as their address.
Any advice Appreciated

It’s not looking good op

What woman is it? Do you know her? I’d do done more digging if I were you

Trust your instinct, could it be his address of his dealer ?

Regarding password changes, if it’s a work iphone then it may be set to require password changes. Mine forces a change every 3 months.

In regards to the address, it’s the sort of thing I’d do if I was going to pick up an eBay purchase. I’d then delete it once I’d collected. But the sum of everything else you described does sound a bit dodgy.

Op trust your instincts, something sounds very off.

It may be prudent to get your ducks in a row (finance records, pensions, morgage, savings etc) and prepare for the worst, just in case?

Please read up on the cheaters script, just so that you can be prepared as much as possible if he is cheating.

Doesn't sound good. Scratches, different during sex. I think you need to either phone the number and ask who she is or follow him

Yeah I thought dealer
He has his parcels delivered to our house all the time
His good mate divorced less than a year ago dh is now changing his appearance, came home with lipstick on the stomach area of his top foundation on the sleeve
None of this happened before when he went out.
He can’t explain the scratches he says he honestly don’t remember how they got there. They were scabbed bad so I’m assuming that anyone would have felt them especially 3 either side.
He took his ring off to play football as he thought he might have his finger pulled off but didn’t on other days for football when I asked he said it was a one off.
Completely confused - surely all these things should have a logical explanations if they were innocent

I think you need to trust your instincts here OP, this is the way my exh was behaving and he was having an affair, threw him out as soon as I found out and then found out about another two, earlier on in the marriage.

I think everything pointing to him checking out of your marriage and he’s got another woman. If you’re going to confront him, make sure you have irrefutable proof, start looking now and watching his behaviour.

Also, what is in the packages?

Add the number to your contact list. If you have what's app, click refresh and a profile pic should appear.

OP this sounds really bad. I think your gut is bang on.

He's possibly not at work when you think he is. He's getting sex toys/ lingerie delivered to work maybe?

The packages and the passwords wouldn't concern me too much, if he regularly orders things and it's not out the blue, I wouldn't see that as too much of a red flag and if his work does genuinely require him to change his passwords, then again I wouldn't think too much of that either.

It's the scratches and the make up that'd be a deal breaker for me. No one winds up with multiple scratches around their hips and has no idea how they got there. Have the two of you had sex recently where you think you may have caused them? If not, it was likely someone else, I don't see how anyone would get those sort of marks from anything other than sex? Don't get me wrong, I bruise like a peach and often have bumps and bruises on my legs with no recollection of how they got there, but deep scratches on his body? He knows how they got there....

I’ve saved the number and saw the profile pic. This is how I know the mobile number belongs to a woman she’s Middle Aged, I’ve never seen her before.
I’ve text off a friends phone saying ‘hi changed number signed off dh name. She hasn’t replied.
I believe this is to do with an eBay order however he has never saved a number in this way but his always buying stuff mostly trainers, little things here and there and they always get delivered to our home.
He is working when he says he is as I can see payslips.

Also the day he came home when I saw the scratches he took his clothes off in the Hall way walked into the lounge and lay on the floor stomach down? It was almost as if he was showing me. He always changes into shorts which would have covered the scratches.
When I said omg what you done to your side he didn’t speak just shrugged his shoulders. What I now find odd is if he didn’t know they were there and someone says omg what have you done isn’t it normal reaction to look at what they’re talking about considering he didnt know well id look and say why what’s there??

You know what he's up to and where he got the scratches from. So does he. That's why he just shrugged.

Sorry OP.

Could he be visiting a sex worker?

Not sure if this is helpful to you but I discovered my DH was buying drugs on the darknet and the packages were delivered to our house in the post. I had no idea this was a thing until I discovered it

Not too sure about that one as the parcels nearly always have some item of clothing or trainers.

He doesn’t seem to be shady around the parcels he’ll tell me when one is due open it in front of me. I will keep an eye out thou thanks

If he was tired and flumped face down on the floor why would he bother to look at the scratches? I know I wouldn’t. If it doesn’t hurt, what’s the point? It really is easy to get marks just from squeezing past something in the shed or garden, then doing it on the other side squeezing back, it would seem odd to be so brazen if he were trying to hide something?

What is his role in HR? Most of the HR people I've ever worked with spend the vast majority of time in their offices as they are either involved in recruitment, staff issies or training. If someone said to me there OH had moved from and engineering to a HR role and their business trips had increased I'd be surprised (unless they were doing a peripatetic training role of course).

You haven't got anything concrete yet so I'd keep a watching brief at the moment.

We don’t have a garden shed. The three scratches were symmetrical either side with even gaps between.
It was odd because of his body language and the fact he didn’t get changed almost as if he knew he needed to show me well that’s what I felt from the way he acted. We have cats so my initial thought when I saw the one side of his back that it was the cat then when I saw the other side I was very shocked and said omg your back what you done. It would have took one second to turn his head over his shoulder to see something he didn’t even know he had. I didn’t say how did you get those scratches I said what did you do to your back, I was expecting him to ask why what’s there cos I don’t remember hurting myself.
He trains so yes travel is part of his job that’s fine until his behaviour changed from completely ignoring me one of the days he was away excessive texting ringing oh and lovely expensive gifts for no reason.