What do I do?

[Husbandtrouble101]

My husband has been off work sick for a long time and him going back to work is not likely for a while yet. He is depressed and has been for a really long time. He also has some other health issues but these would be very outing. They do cause him some issues but the depression is the main issue.
I work and i do very long shifts so he is currently the main carer for our Dc. However I am doing the lions share of the work (housework & dealing with appointments ect) and it is starting to really get on my nerves. I have tried talking to him and he will try to shut me up by doing some more jobs for a few days. We are going through some extremely stressful things with the children and I feel like I am dealing with it alone. The DC tell me that he plays computer games a lot when I am not in.

He is also grumpy all the time and he will get very hot headed super quickly. I feel like I am constantly telling him to calm down. We have argued more in the last 3 months than we ever have. He is just so short fused and I am at the end of my tether. He snaps at the DC and sometimes the way he speaks to us all is vile and when i tell him he is very defensive.

I am not in the best health and have various chronic conditions that are made worse by me working. However i feel i have to work as much as I can as we are financially crippled with DH not working.

Our sex life has taken a massive nose dive and in the last 6 months we have had sex 3 times but the intimacy is still there. Sometimes i want to tell him to go so that I have 1 less stress to deal with but I love him amd I want to help him through this. He just will not talk to me or anyone about anything. He has even said that apart from our family he has no need or desire to form relationships with other people. So he is happy being at home playing computer games. I am at breaking point and i need someone to help me work out what to do.

Apart from being the main carer, what does this man bring to yout life?

I'm not seeing any upsides here OP. But you still love him so there must be some good things there - what are they?

The replies on threads like these leave me feeling quite distressed. Depression is a serious health condition, if someone started a thread moaning that their spouse that was suffering from cancer wasn't doing enough around the house the responses would be completely different, but why should they be, depression can be a killer too and is notoriously difficult to treat.
No wonder this country's mental health crisis is forever growing with attitudes like this.

@Cakecrumbs

You make a valid point actually....🤔

Husbandtrouble101

Is he under the Adult Mental Team?

It is a serious health condition - however, people with serious health conditions can and do continue to do housework etc. People with cancer go to work. And OP is ill too. He needs to help her and find ways to help himself.

He is a loving and would give anything for his family. He can be so funny and clever and when things are good they are amazing. He can make me forget everything that is happening in the world.

I am not asking him to do everything around the house, I also suffer with depression so I know how hard it is to get up and do the things that need to be done.

I need some help figuring out what to do not only to help him but also myself. Our marriage is literaly at breaking point. I was once a SAHM and there were days I had to call him home from work to help me as I could not move. Now i am left to deal with 95% of the work. Not just housework but the mental work that needs to be done. I know to get him to help me again i need to help him but that can not be at my cost. If things carry on they will end. His attitude and just the way he speaks to me and the DC is terrible and bordering on aggressive.

No he is not under the mental health team as he will not make the phone call. He sees our gp regularly and he has consultants for his other health issues. I have a CPN and i am going to ask her if I can make a referal for him. He has had the paperwork from our GP since january

I understand MH OP. It is so hard to live with someone who won't help themselves like he is. I think it's time you thought about yourself and your own MH. I'd tell him he needs to sort out an appointment for antidepressants if he's not taking them already and to undertake CBT and any other treatment they offer, because they do offer a few treatments. Yes it can be a long road ahead but he's not even on the road.

If you leave a list of things to do will hedo it. I know its more tasks for you but surely he cannot ignore stuff on a list. My dh suffers with dlepression and had to retire because of it. When his depression is bad he seems incapable of thinking of what needs to be done. But he can follow a list . So l leamve a long one each day and literally he will follow it to the letter. Just dont ask him to think or figure it out. I accept that and am happy with what he does.
He takes medication and has had instays in hospital due to depression. Our dc are older now .

Yes i have a special 'time table' on the fridge with jobs that need to be done everyday. He complains that the dog is being naughty but he will not walk him!

category12 he is off work he is so ill, so an invalid point really that people with cancer go to work. Yes, some of them can, some of them can't, just like some people with depression can work, some can't. My point was referencing the fact that if this was a physical illness preventing him from helping around the home the answers would be very different. At the moment he is too ill to help much, would we be getting ltb responses if he suffered a physical illness, no!

Anyway, op, I'm sorry, I don't necessarily have any practical advice other than to say his depression is obviously serious right now and I'd hope that if I was in his position my spouse would stick by me.