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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me work through my angst about family times. Why do I behave as I do?

17 replies

PippaPenny · 21/08/2018 15:27

Feeling so low!
History:

my first boyfriend, his sister and I moved from being friends to not getting on. I always felt she wanted to 'win' - better car, better holidays... I also hated the way she treat my bf, leaving him out of Christmas lunch, not inviting him to family events, things I found really unfair.
OH (now ex) I didn't like his mum visiting as I felt she was critical of me. I felt inferior.
my brother - initially really good friends with his gf, until she started making demands 'why couldn't she be bridesmaid at my wedding? She planned their wedding to be the same as mine'. Hated that she was very critical of my actions, even though they were similar (but not on such a huge scale) as the actions if her own mother. I didn't like being treat as second best - her family were given information first and me second or not at all. They spent all of their time with her family and not my parents. My brother hasn't spoken to me for 15 years.
My new partner lives with me in my house. I like that it is my house. I don't want to marry him, I don't want to be accountable to his family. I don't like it when his sons don't include him, disrespect him and ask for money. I don't like the endless negotiations, compromises and having to keep the peace, even if that means lying about what is really happening. I see his disappointment and my own when our DGS can't sleep here, but can sleep at our DIL' DM's house.

I am worrying myself. I feel shocking about how I feel inside, as if these things just eat away inside me; a gnawing feeling. I am expected again to 'say the right thing'. Sometimes that is really difficult. I was critisised for not wishing OH's son and his wife a happy anniversary, following their gushing status' on fb. I couldn't. She was leaving him two days prior! I think my OH and the rest of his family are hypocrits for knowing the truth but sharing equally gushing praise and congratulations. Why do we all have to pretend?

I don't know what to do. As time moves on with my OH and he makes plans for 'big family Christmas' or holidays together, weekends with family here at home, I just want to run. Why do I not want to spend time with others.

I've tried to 'work myself out'; I just don't know. I am in danger of losing a man who is an absolute star rather than be part of his family. At the minute being alone feels the better option ( though it really isn't).

Attributes that could apply
Control, Envy, Jealousy, Anxious, Selfishness, Competitiveness, Truthful, Hurtful

Any thoughts, be gentle ( if that is possible) I feel rubbish!

OP posts:

AlwaysSleepy1 · 21/08/2018 15:36

By DP is like this and I don't know how.to resolve it.. it is ultimately a deal breaker though... watching with interest...

Joboy · 21/08/2018 15:40

Get help

IMissGin · 21/08/2018 15:46

Following as I feel I can’t be a bit like this. I don’t understand all the pretence, it feels false and 2 faced

Original poster

PippaPenny · 21/08/2018 17:15

joboy what kind of help? Woukd it be counseling. My first step is to ask here.
In the past I thought this was all down to the other person but realise I am the common denominator.
I also thought it was to do with my relationship with other females that become part of the family, but recently it has been about my OH son.
As a child I was the only girl amongst male brothers, uncles and cousins.
imissgin - yes, I cant seem to pretend and want to tell it as it is. Experience shows that if there is dishonesty relationships can't be built as we are all treading on eggshells with what can be said and what can't. Things also fester and then implode in our families as no one is prepared to be honest.

I've considered envy and jealousy but have no reason to feel that. I have a decent life, not materialistic, work hard. Maybe I want to control. I don't like the way some family members deal with their money - borrow and expect us to bale them out. Maybe I'm unable to see things from someone else's point of view.

I have name changed for this as I woukd be mortified to admit any of this IRL. I want to be happy, I want to be able to enjoy my family.

OP posts:

AbeautifulBeast · 21/08/2018 17:56

Honestly, how are your social skills in general?
Do you read situations well (IE do you come to the same conclusion as others in a group or can you genuinely not see where they are coming from?)
Your feelings seem rather extreme and if you are the common denominator you need some kind of professional help, a GP appointment is probably a good place to start.

DottyBlue2 · 21/08/2018 18:07

Are you too sensitive and too intune to what is going on around you?

Original poster

PippaPenny · 21/08/2018 18:28

Abeautiful my social skills are good. As a child I didn't join anything because I didn't like the first meeting, couldn't walk into a room of strangers, didn't like parties. That continued into my professional life until I built strategies to manage. I would look for the person who was alone and seemed the most uncomfortable and convince myself I was supporting them by going to sit with them. Now I can host large meetings and train other staff. I lead and manage others successfully and have always been recognized as a leader with good emotional intelligence. My work involves supporting and challenging others to improve.
When you say a GP appointment - what are you thinking may be the issue?

Maybe I am sensitive to what is happening and can overthink. I also worry about inconveniencing others. Family visiting today, I was convinced they were travelling too far, it wouldn't be worth the journey here and would they turn that back on us for wasting their time. My OH couldn't see any of that. I've also pulled away from fb because I feel I see too much of people's lives, then jump to conclusions. It is best not to know.

Being termed over sensitive feels like a cop out.

OP posts:

IMissGin · 21/08/2018 20:45

It’s all very familiar to me. I do have anxiety which I take medication for. But even as a kid, I hated the feeling of being on eggshells. I don’t like everything being brushed under the carpet. I do also like an element of control

Nevermindhey · 21/08/2018 20:51

It seems like you are hyper critical of others and judgemental. You expect people to act/think like you do. So I suppose yes it is control.

Maybe you want to be in charge of everything and when it all goes your way you are happy hence why you can do it in work but it causes you problems in personal relationships.

Nevermindhey · 21/08/2018 20:54

Your concern about inconveniencing others is one I understand. Again that is assuming everyone thinks like you.

I think you are a very independent person who could survive quite happily on their own and would find it easier (I am a bit like that too.)

AbeautifulBeast · 21/08/2018 21:28

If you're social skills are good and you host meetings etc maybe you just need to accept who you are and try to deal with it as best you can?
Avoid people and situations that set you off or see them in small doses..... Very tricky, I don't particularly like the phrase 'doesnt suffer fools gladly' but could it be something along those lines?

Missingstreetlife · 21/08/2018 21:32

Your partner is making plans for big family gatherings in your house which you don't want?
I don't think so!

DottyBlue2 · 21/08/2018 21:33

Actually, I think you care too much about other people, their well-being and their happiness.

I think you have very high standards and are disappointed that other people don't meet your standards.

For one week, starting tomorrow, I'd like you to have this mantra:

Other people are fuckwits and their issues are not my problem. I am not responsible for their happiness so I will ignore any whining they make and focus on my own well-being instead.

Original poster

PippaPenny · 21/08/2018 21:33

It is really interesting to have your thoughts and to rethink my actions.
I do try and consider that others think differently and want different things. I can see both sides and talk quite reasonably. I just can't put it into action. Sometimes I might even change my mind if things are going my way, making life more difficult for others. Control, yes. Fear of change which I can't control maybe.

I feel really bad and don't want to be like this. It is only me I'm making miserable and don't know how to make changes.

OP posts:

DottyBlue2 · 21/08/2018 21:34

And turn that eye roll into a smile through gritted teeth

AnnieAnoniMoose · 21/08/2018 21:49

I can’t actually see what you are doing wrong? Those things would upset/annoy most people. Your desire to live more honestly than many others doesn’t make you wrong.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/08/2018 21:50

I come from a big family. They all do things that drive me mad..too lax with their kids/ too strict with their kids/ constantly spending money/ never spend a penny...it goes on. But my love for them is unconditional. Its not based on their actions. I have just decided to love them. I think you are judging them too much..i don't want my family to judge me..my messiness/ my lack of baking skills..whatever. They overlook my weaknesses and l overlook theirs.
But l am not on facebook as that would fry my head.
Your job in life is to love and accept others. What they do is none of your concern unless its abusive or taking over your freedom..Decide to let them all do their thing and quit judging.
Never mind which granny gets extra time..that is a waste of headspace. Relax!

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