Boundaries of Nephews & Nieces when they Visit

[Mumof3boysni]

So I love my sister and live close by. I love being in her company and don't mind doing so quiet frequently throughout the week. The problem comes when her kids are added to the mix.

My background - I am very "Rulely" with my kids I would be raging if they done something that they know they shouldn't or step out of line. There is a level of behaviour I expect them to abide by. This works for us, they are happy boys and don't fight with each just the normal bickering. They don't climb on sofas and beds etc. This behaviour follows them when visiting etc.

Now my sisters kids I just at the moment can't abide. They rile my kids up the wrong way and then my ones will lash out and look bad, my kids are the youngest my niece and nephew are older (7,9). They are sly and now how to do things descretly and they are believed by my sister when she "interrogates" them as a form of discipline when something bad happens when visiting. Her ones know how to lie and can get their own way and my kids will be standing there breaking their wee hearts as anything they are saying my sister is not believing. I don't agree in this when something happens between kids, I don't think standing "interrogating" them works for anybody. I would prefer just to discipline them all and tell them whatever happened shouldn't happy again.

Right I am rambling now, I probably lost you all somewhere in the 2nd paragraph. But her kids just run my house like theirs no matter if I shout till Im blue i the face. They sit on the arms of the sofas, they climb on units, they have broke toys, they have broke floating shelves and they just upset my whole home dynamic when visiting. They tease my kids something fierce and taunt them with their favourite teddies etc.

Anyhow I don't know anymore I can do, I have told my sister of everything I see, things I hear her kids say. She takes notions of discipling them and keeping them in line and other times she just seems to ignore. I just appear to be constantly on my nephew and niece's case. Always saying don't do that, stop that, your not allowed and no. Im afraid my sister will think that I have the "perfect" kids and pointing my finger at hers. My ones are far from perfect but there is a certain level of behaviour I expect.

I know I have had "parenting" talks with my sister and she says that she has heard its better to let the wildness out of kids when they are young as they will be calmer teenagers. I don't necessarily think that is her style of parenting but I think she may be indirectly using it as an excuse for their behaviour.

I like pushing education too, and they are of farming stock and their kids are going to very well off when older. We have nothing so if they have no education or skills in life they will not be able to make money. She will come round often after school and stay till near bedtime. I am out a fortune in groceries feeding them in dinners and they constantly asked for snacks (like fruit) but I don't want to restrict a child of healthy food but then that means I run out and have to go to the shop which is 10miles away to stock up again.

Anyway - cutting to the point - What would you all do?? Ive lived near her now for 4years and I will be never moving house as we built it, how can I address this. What can I do am I being too uptight, should I just chill and let the wildness flow?

Start going round to hers before she has a chance to come round to yours. When they're at yours tell the kids that they either behave like they're supposed to or they go home. I've had lots of children over the years in my house and when they're at mine they have to follow the same rules as mine.

I second getting round to theirs first and making more arrangements to go out so your less available.

Sorry, I know similar situations and it's draining.

Sorry that should have read, "so you are less available."

Can you go to hers instead?
I think you need to get a routine in place.
Once a week night round yours and once round hers. The rest of the time your kids need to ensure they are doing their 'homework' 'art projects' etc......
Would she be open to this?

I have done that, my kids in at swimming and gymnastics and she is following me to them activities too booking her kids in. I feel like I have nowhere to go, other than town. I make sure now in the summer holidays I text her to say what my plans are etc.
I do call to hers and don't let my kids run wild at hers. She is constantly asking my kids for sleep overs, but I fear for them to be treated like second class citizens so I keep refusing. My sister looks at me like I have just slapped her on the face when I say no.

I just want to know am I being unreasonable I suppose, we are living in this old house beside the house we have built we will be moving in next year and I really don't want this behaviour to follow us to the new house.

Ive found her kids climbing up door frames, on top of chest of drawers just generally destructive play. Demolishing my kids lego creations when playing with dumpers etc. My kids are all under 6. hers are over 6 and I feel that mine are more mature than hers.

We start routine so to speak, say look please only call on a friday after school when there is no homework. This lasts for about a month and then she slips back into her old ways. Her problem is she has no routine in her life and imposes on my routined life.

I run my life on routine as I have young twins, I've done everything to plan to make sure I keep on top of everything.

We have a holiday house and go up to it in the summer holidays quite a bit and she follows me there, saying "oh I didn't realise you where up her too" - and then basically invites herself to stay at my house.

I have addressed all these issues with my sister but she still reverts back to her old ways.

Why do the DC have to spend so much time together anyway?

It sounds thoroughly miserable for your children. I think I'd be limiting seeing them to only once a week.

I would just tell your DSis what you've said here. They don't follow your rules, break things and are generally disruptive so you'll see them at her house.

She might not like it but too bad. You have to put your children first. It is up to her to sort hers out.

I know exactly what you mean by 'interrogating' them. I think this method is usually used by those who want to gloss over their own DC's behaviour as the most assertive personalities will always win out in that situation.

Just give them a wide berth as much as possible.

Her kids sound like they have a lot of energy. I'm assuming you both live in th3 country given you building a house and being far from shops. This doesn't solve the problem but could you go out and do things more? It sounds like her kids could do with the space, they may want to snack less (if it is through boredom) and there is plenty for your kids to learn about the outdoors and nature if they are quieter and prefer to do less running around, etc. I don't mean things you have to pay for, just a nature all-out to spot birds or trees, etc.

In addition to seeing less of them and enforcing your rules....

Sorry cross-posted as I now see you do try to limit once a week.

She seems especially thick-skinned so you might actually have to spell it out " I do not want your DC at my house!"

Is she married, if not I suspect she's lonely in the evenings but again this is not your problem to solve. She needs to make her own friends and not rely so heavily on you.

As for the holiday house, who does it belong to? If it's yours then next time tell her it is not convenient for her to just turn up and don't let them stay.

I suspect You may end up falling out with her but unfortunately that might be the best solution for your own DC.

We started off when there was only 1 child to visit so frequently but now we have 6 kids between us and it is just too much. I would be happy with once on a friday and say every other saturday. She wants to spend all her free time with me. We are going on a day trip tomorrow and she was raging that I booked it and didn't tell her. but I purposely done that so my kids would enjoy their day.

I don't like her house and its so big my kids get lost and I can't watch them, I would rather them at mine so I can keep an eye on them better.

My children are my world and I will do anything to keep them safe and on the right path in life.

It is my holiday house, she turns up. So does my Mother. Im supposed to be going up on Thrusday for a week or so but my mum has invited herself. Thats another issue for another time.

She really does need to rely on others more, I have came through cancer treatment and can't deal with this all. She is married to a Farmer who is never at home, but I am the same I never see my hubby he is always at work 8-8pm.

Falling out is not an option there is only me and her and we do both need each other but we just need to know each others boundaries. I don't fall out with anyone if needs be especially family members. I would just rather distance myself from people in ways.

I don’t know.

My mum was ‘ruley’ ( dictator) and I think it turned me in to an anxious child who rebelled when I got older . With my lot I’m a lot more relaxed.

Life is full of rules :-

School has rules
Work has rules
Society has rules

I think you can get a medium with out turning your kids in to little robots scared to death of breaking rules or stamping out their spirt.

You both just have different parenting styles and I think she would have a different take on it.

My kid climb on the chairs/ make dens out of the cushions and even lie along the back of to watch tv and they are never in trouble at school ect..

(My sofa is ridiculously over sized!)

Just reading you last post OP it sounds like you just need a break from them all. You’ve been through a lot.

Tell your mum that she can’t come and go and hibernate with your kids by yourself

I allow my kids to climb on sofas and make dens under dining tables they currently have a den with their beds all pushed together. They just need to know what behaviour is acceptable. Don't be running and jumping off sofas. but standing on them to move to another park thats ok.

They all have their own wee personailies and I do my best to let their cheekiness to flow.

Rules are needed, there is a balance and I feel I have got the balance. Currently one of my kids are dipping their sandwiches into their yoghurt. as long as he doesn't waste his food and eats it, whats the harm.

I understand that my sister and myself have different parenting styles that is not the issue. I really would like advice on how to deal with her kids when they are in my home at the times when I can't avoid them.

Thanks

I think you have to issue consequences and follow through, just as you do with your own kids. If you break dc's toy deliberately, your mummy will have to take you home. Dsis, your dc has broken my dcs toy so you need to take him home. If she refuses, pack your own kids up and leave the house and tell them why. You néed to play hardball. The dcs clearly don't care about you shouting at them, so you need to find consequences with impact. Your Dsis will be pissed off but frankly the options are limited. Your choice is either keep your Dsis and her dcs happy by accepting the situation as it is, or make the situation more acceptable to you which will inevitably upset your Dsis.

Your Dsis is nuts if she thinks letting her dc's run wild as kids will result in calm teenagers.

mum ah I see. Dipping sandwhiches in yogurt at my mums house would have been a definite no!

Have you ever said

‘Honesty - you just stop this behaviour as you will have to go home’ ?

Have you ever bit the bullet and let them stay? If they hated it you could pick them up and you would be able to say to future requests - ‘no they didnt like it’

Time to dig your heels in mum

What’s going on with your mum?

You need to pull on your big girl pants and learn to say 'No', and mean it!

It doesn't matter that she doesn't want to parent the same way as you. It's your house - so your rules. If they can' respect that, then they should leave and not get invited back. If your DSis doesn't agree with that, then she is disrespecting YOU, by forcing her parenting approach onto your kids.

If your DSis and DM don't take hints, then you need to be blunt.

I'd also change the locks on your holiday home, as I presume they have keys and are letting themselves in. If they just turn up when you're there, say it's inconvenient. (Or just don't answer the door)

I really do struggle to understand why some women cant see when they are having the piss taken and allow others to run their lives for them. You don't have to be mean or vicious you just need to say NO and mean it. You really do need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself.