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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have i Lost him?

22 replies

Wheely33 · 21/08/2018 09:35

I have been dating a man for the last 6 months.
He was married for 7 years and they had been together for 16 years and have 2 teenage children. He moved out of the family house to his brothers house in March and took his wedding ring off and told everyone he was separated.
They had a family holiday booked for July which they where going on with friends and although his children and wife begged him to go he didn't as said he did not want to give them mixed messages as he had no intentions of them getting back together again, and he didn't want to loose me. We have been getting on great and his even said on many occasions that he loves me. Last Friday he told the kids he was getting a divorce and it didn't go well, the kids are now not talking to him and have said they hate him!
He is all over the place and on Saturday told me that if he got seen with me and his kids found out he would loose them forever so he could no longer see me.
I am gutted and texted him to say that he texted back to say he was too and he didn't want to end it but could not afford to loose his kids.
He says I have not lost him and we will sort things out it will just take time, but I've not heard from him since. I don't know if his gone home back to his wife or if his still at his brothers. I don't want to contact him in case he has but now feel so lost and am not sure what to think?

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 21/08/2018 09:41

You were Rebound Girl. Sorry, its happened to me and it hurts. Your function was to provide a distraction during the separation.

StayAChild · 21/08/2018 09:49

Whatever you do, don't become secret GF. This happened to my friend for the same reason and it didn't end well. Leave them to it. If you're important enough to him he will sort it out.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/08/2018 09:54

So you were seeing him while he was still married? Suspect the version you've heard and what he's been telling his wife and family are very different.

Tryingagain1 · 21/08/2018 09:56

Sorry! It's really hard to say! What you mustn't do is chase him though. You've told him how you feel so now he needs to miss you and see if he really wants to have a relationship with you. Pursuing him will drive him away though.

He's been very unfair on you to mess around like this, I'm sure his emotions are all over the place but he shouldn't have started dating until he was more over his marriage.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2018 10:11

There seems to be an overlap here!?
Is there?

He is putting his children first and rightly so.
You will now be a secret when he thinks he can get away with it.

As others have said, you were his rebound girl.

Time to put this one behind you and move on.
Don't be waiting in the wings to see what happens.
Get out there and enjoy life!

Thatsfuckingshit · 21/08/2018 10:25

I was in a similar situation.

Met Dp, not long after we both left our marriages. He is a relative of a friend so I knew he had definitely left. He stayed at my friends house while he got on his feet and even told his wife it was over in front of friend.

We were friends for a while then got together. His wife kicked off when she found out he was seeing someone and it made him withdraw. Not completely but a lot. He did it every time she got in touch. Stop wanting to be seen out with me etc. So I ended it. I was devastated. He was, but I couldn't carry on with drama and her having such an influence on our lives.

I told him not to contact me and give me space. He did. I got in touch with him and, long story, short we got back together. His wife has tried causing trouble but we get through it together. When she knew she wasn't having an impact she disappeared again. He filed for divorce as well.

The main difference is that they don't have kids or shared assets.

In your situation I would be wary it's not for the kids sake. But for her sake. His kids must have known the situation. For them to be so upset at the divorce, someone must have been telling them that there was a chance they would get back together.

Musti · 21/08/2018 12:53

It's understandable that the kids are upset and that he doesn't want you to be the blame for his divorce. I don't know whether you'll end up together but it's not an easy time for him.

Orange6904 · 21/08/2018 16:06

Like another poster said, seems to be a bit of an overlap? Did he say he was married when you met him?

Original poster

Wheely33 · 21/08/2018 17:10

He told me he was separated, we work at the same place but different departments and he says he had liked me a long time but because he was married he didn't say anything.

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 21/08/2018 17:39

They either weren't separated. Hence the kids being so upset now.

Or the kids thought there was a good chance they were getting back together. It possible he given them all hope. Perhaps said It was a trial separation.

Thatsfuckingshit · 21/08/2018 17:40

Hang on, when did you start seeing him in relation to him leaving the family home?

Original poster

Wheely33 · 21/08/2018 18:00

It was around 2 months after he said he had separated, I was wary at 1st and on a couple of occasions did ask him if he was going to go back home, because his children have given him alot of abuse. I only can go by what his told me, I know his wife was threatening to kill herself and was sometimes begging him to go home and then was sometimes calling him all the names under the sun and threatening to use the kids as weapons, well so he told me. I just don't understand how he can say I've not lost him, I understand about his children and I don't want to be branded a home wrecker, but then not to contact me and leave me wondering if he just needs space or if he has gone home to his wife.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2018 18:54

He moved out in March, which was 5 months ago, so why did he wait until last weekend to tell them he wanted a divorce?

I’m sorry you’re hurting but it sounds very complicated so I’d steer well clear and focus on yourself.

DogsandKids94 · 21/08/2018 22:52

I was in a very similar situation. My partner had been with his, now ex-wife, for 15 years, they had separated shortly before I met him. They have 2 children together and we struggled so much in the beginning as she was still in love with him, the children were used as a weapon and she would threaten him with not letting him see them, he left me a few months after we had got together as he was concerned about his kids as they were not taking the split well, he wanted to spend more time with them to show he was still going to be very involved in their life even though no longer lived with them. IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE.. we are now 4 years down the line and happier than ever, everything is very amicable between us and the ex and the kids are here all the time. Sometimes it is hard and feels easier to give up but we persevered and it was so worth it i hope you can make it work x

DogsandKids94 · 21/08/2018 22:56

Also, my partner was still married when we got together. You can separate but unless there is a adultery, domestic violence or some other reasons I cannot remember you are unable to apply for a divorce until 2 years after separation providing it is amicable and both sides agree. My partner was married for 2 and a half years of our relationship, but there was no overlap as the separation had started before hand and he had moved out x

crimsonlake · 21/08/2018 23:11

Separated or not, legally he is still a married man. This is why it is best to steer clear of anyone until the divorce has been finalised and then some. Lesson learnt.

Sisterlove · 22/08/2018 03:51

There are too many men out there to put yourself through this.

Let him focus on his family and leave him in the past.

Mytwistedimagination · 22/08/2018 04:13

I can understand why his kids are so upset with him. Why did he separate from his wife? It sounds very much as if you were seeing him before or very very shortly after he left (said he left in March, and you've been with him 6 months? Which doesn't tally with the next comment that it was 2 months after he left...?), so it's bound to be a shock, and tbh, he really needs to give them more time before flaunting his new gf. It sounds as if both wife and kids are desperate to have him back. This, along with he says he had liked me a long time but because he was married he didn't say anything sounds as if he's done the classic midlife crisis thing of fancying something new and throwing away his family to indulge. Now he sees the damage he has done to his family, he may be wavering. His kids should come first this soon after leaving. Sorry OP, but if he was a good parent he'd let them get over him leaving before carrying on with you (whether you were a contributing factor to that or not). Amazes me how many men have to go straight from one sexual partner to another.

Thatsfuckingshit · 22/08/2018 05:01

So you got with him after he told her he wanted to split but before he moved out?

If you have been with him 6 months, he must have told her it was over in January? But carried in living their til March?

And he told you she threatened to kill herself? As I said, both my and dp married when we got together. I wouldn't have believed anything unless I could verify it myself.

If very much sounds like you and him had an affair. He left for you and he has given the kids hope that it wouldn't end in divorce.

category12 · 22/08/2018 06:12

You're the affair partner. Sounds very much like the other side of one of those threads where the guy moves out for "space" and keeps his wife hanging while he "thinks".

BIWI · 22/08/2018 06:16

You were the OW then.

Jamboree05 · 22/08/2018 06:40

Either he jumped into your bed immediately upon leaving the family home or you were the OW.

Neither are a great start to a relationship.

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