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Original poster

How to cope if 50/50 childcare results in split weeks

17 replies

Justme1981 · 21/08/2018 08:13

Hi all
Apologies if this is the wrong place to post. Im nearly at the point of asking h for separation, we have 19month old ds. My biggest worry is being away from ds. Due to our working patterns if custody went 50/50 h would have ds mon-thurs then me thurs pm to either sun pm or mon am. It is breaking my heart imagining being away from ds for that long, i have other options to suggest but as h is insistant he wants at least 50/50 & works weekends, realistically if we split this is what he would fight for. I dont think its in ds best interests being away from either of us for so long. Is anyone in a similar situation? How do you cope? Does anyone know what a court might think? The fear of losing ds is the only thing keeping me in my marriage.
Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Fatted · 21/08/2018 08:19

Where would you and your husband be living? Would one of you be remaining in the family home? Are you not able to reach an arrangement where DS is with you both together if you don't want him to be away from either of you for so long?

Friend I know has her ex look after their kid at her house (the former family home) while she works. There spilt was amicable though

Nan0second · 21/08/2018 08:23

Unfortunately this is inevitable when splitting. Why should he miss his child for 3.5 days and you not.
Splitting is likely to be for the best for both of you and in the long run will result in your kid having a great bond with both parents.

averageguy1 · 21/08/2018 09:13

My Exw and myself have done 50/50 custody of my now 13yr old DD for the last 5 yrs and it works very well .

Original poster
Justme1981 · 21/08/2018 09:22

Thank you all, my suggestion would be for us both to see ds regularly i dont think either of us should miss him through half the week. I would stay in family home to start with.
Thanks averageguy1 its good to hear that it can work well

OP posts:
flamingnoravera · 21/08/2018 12:14

I did 50/50 for 15 years and it worked. It was hard at first but you may find there is an upside- you will get to have a good night's sleep and a social life without needing baby sitters- so try to be positive. All children benefit from having both parents showing they love by caring for them and it can work very well. Make sure you have lots of nice things to do when she is with her father and you will settle into the routine- be strong and try to see the benefits for your daughter rather than concentrating on how hard it is for you. I know that sounds like a big ask but you do need to put on a brave face and support this way of managing her care.
Sending empathy in ladlefuls- you can make it work and you may find it is a more relaxed way of parenting-I found it made our time together even more special and I know my son benefitted from knowing his father loved him and cared for him (even if I thought he was a total shit).

flamingnoravera · 21/08/2018 12:16

Sorry I thought you said you had a DD- even more important for DS to have one to one time with dad and see that dads can parent well.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 21/08/2018 12:32

Thank you flamingnoravera - you are right, im trying to see how it would benefit ds i really want him to have a good relationship with h, im worried that long stretches away from either of us wouldnt be good. Do you mind my asking how 50/50 looked for you?

OP posts:
Musti · 21/08/2018 12:34

It wouldn't be fair on you not to have any weekends free but if he's a good parent then there's nothing wrong with 50/50. I'd go for every other weekend and set weekdays. You'll find that if you onlybhave him half the week, your time together will be more special as you will be rested and not have to do so much work or stuff round the house when he's over.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 21/08/2018 12:53

H works 12 hour shifts at weekends (fri to sun) otherwise id be happy with your suggestion Musti

OP posts:
Musti · 21/08/2018 13:08

That's tough. He'll have to look at getting a different job or changing shifts.

RainySeptember · 21/08/2018 13:15

I know three families who have a 50/50 arrangement.

One of them alternates full weeks, with a Sunday changeover. Their dc are teens though so better able to cope with a full week away from one parent.

One of them has their dc Monday-Thursday one week, and Friday-Sunday the following week, alternating I think so that both parents get some weekends.

The third one has set days.

So I guess there is no hard and fast rule, it is whatever works for you both. Your suggestion seems to suit both of your working patterns and could be changed in the future if necessary. Would you be happy never having a weekend off though? Would your dh be happy either working or looking after DS, no day off to himself?

Are you even happy with 50/50 at such a young age? You could seek full custody with your dh having ds, say, one full day and one evening for tea.

Changedname3456 · 21/08/2018 14:02

“You could seek full custody with your dh having ds, say, one full day and one evening for tea.”

Or, as her stbxh presumably does the majority of weekly childcare at the moment (assuming OP works during the week) HE could seek full custody and she could do weekends and tea on one weeknight Hmm

But hey, let’s shove divorcing fathers’ under the bus eh?

RainySeptember · 21/08/2018 15:23

It is the more usual arrangement for such a young child, and just a suggestion.

AlwaysSleepy1 · 21/08/2018 15:32

I think while your DC is so little whoever is off work essentially would be the carer and once he's in school it can be more flexible - however there's nothing stopping you breaking up the routine with an extra day in the middle or night over etc. so neither of you go more then a couple of days without seeing him. My DP does 50/50 ish with his ex - he has them slightly more but she has them more in school holidays to even it out. Kids are happy as they know where they are and when and helps each of them arrange shifts with work. It's also easier with practicalities (where uniforms clothes etc need to be and when)

It's not all bad especially if you work on the days your ex has him and you can use that time to clean work out hobbies etc. when he's not there and you have the energy and enthusiasm to do everything he wants you to do when he's there..xx

flamingnoravera · 21/08/2018 17:10

@Justme1981 my son was 3 when we split up. We did Sunday night to weds with me, weds night to Sat morning with dad and alternate weekends with him returning to me on Saturday morning on my weekend.

I really struggled at first, but I had to keep reminding myself that ds had to come first and my needs second. As I became used to it I noticed other parents who were not split or who had full residence were envious of my child free time. I realised that it was not all bad.

BlancheM · 21/08/2018 18:25

I have mine on Tues and Weds, ex has him on Monday and Thurs and we alternate Fri/sat/sun
10 years on its much more flexible as DS is older.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 21/08/2018 20:05

Thank you all for sharing your experiences & the potential positive benefits, really appreciate the support on here

OP posts:
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