Relationship problems and married life

[A1005005]

Good morning,

I need advice and I really don’t have many friends that I can trust to talk about this with so I’m here on a forum.

So I’m married, been with my wife for 9 years, 3 years married and we have two wonderful kids. Over the last couple of years I slipped into depression due to a few things and I’m starting to feel more human now but something changed.

I noticed that my wife and I don’t really have anything in common, if we didn’t have kids and we’re not married I don’t think we could even say we are friends...

This realisation has caused a lot of confusion, and I know that I need to tell her this. I need to be with someone that I can laugh with and enjoy the little moments...it’s become clear that we simply both tolerate each other. What do I do!? How do I even begin to talk to her about this? And what about the kids? They will be devastated and hurt and probably hate and blame me (which they should I agree).

I feel like I’m in such a mess and I don’t know how to start down the right track!

Does anyone have any advice at all? Am I just being a massive idiot or do I deserve to be happy? If I do how do I go about finding it? Or do I just accept I’m not happy, tell my wife and kids and arrange something for the kids so we can both spend time with them and go from there???? It all seems so surreal.

You just need to communicate. My husband went through a long period of depression, which resulted in some horrible circumstances coming about. She may well have learned to shut off from you as a way to cope, just functioning on a basic level of care toward you because of your marriage.
From my own experience, it's very hard not to take some of the behaviour caused by depression personally, especially when repeated attempts to be understanding, talk or just be there for the other person and have it all rejected over and over.
It took us a while, but we are getting back on track. We talk regularly, including what is upsetting us or just how we are feeling, make an effort to be considerate and thoughtful take an interest in the others hobbies (which for my husband are extensive!) and most importantly say that we love each other.
Do you want to fix it?

Thank you for this! I will consider how my depression has no doubt caused some of this, as for fixing it? Honestly I don’t know...part of me really just wants to be alone, like I’m suffocating but I don’t know if that’s partly depression still lingering of if it’s me. I must work that out first I guess.

It sounds like the depression. When I eventually got my dh to talk, he admitted to feeling worthless and not wanting to be here. He was also angry at me for staying and actually said he tried to hate me as it would be easier for him when I would inevitably leave, or die (my mum passed away 3 years ago when it began getting worse). There will be a way back, if it's what you both want. But really, you do just need to talk to her.
Can you get some time alone, perhaps have a parent look after the kids for a bit?

You all deserve to be happy, so talk about that with her. You were obviously both happy friends at some point so try and pinpoint what has changed. If it's just the stress of everyday life and work then that's going to rear it's head whoever you are with at some point, so try to make it work with your family now. I know it's not easy, I speak as someone who is currently sat at home with the children whilst my husband is away clearing his head, it could even be you. You can't solve your family's problems alone, please just be honest that you are struggling.

Thank you, I am currently trying to reconnect. I have taken us on a family holiday but I think that’s what is most stressing...we are happy with the kids but not so much with each other.

It’s been a slow decline, a few years in fact and I have tried to “spice” our life up, do new things but we can’t even watch a film together because she doesn’t like to do this...she would rather read alone.

I will try and see if we can spend some time alone together and talk. I’m afraid because she is not the most understanding and I don’t want to cause her distress but I know if I don’t we will continue to decline and fail anyway so I must be honest.

Have you considered couples counselling to help you communicate with each other a little more? It also might help you both to work out what you want to do in the future.

I have, my wife isn’t keen. I mentioned it a few months ago but she didn’t see the point because there is nothing wrong...I have thought of going alone to therapy to see if it helps?

How old re your DC?

Is it possible that during your depression your DW has been shouldering all the childcare and become used to not receiving any emotional support from you?

If I’m honest it might be the other way around. She has a life, goes out with friends all i do is look after kids...

They are two and five. And they are lovely and so much fun

Do you both work? What’s the working situation like?

Give it six months. Make a consistent effort to re engage and do small things to reconnect.

Make her a cup of tea.
Listen to her.
Ask her about her book.
Kiss her.
Tell her you love and appreciate her.

Take the focus off yourself and onto her. You'll feel better and so will she. It will take time.

I will, to be fair I do try. I make her tea every night and morning. I talk with her about our lives and ask about her books. We both have professional jobs, she more so and she has always been a career woman by comparison I’m a laidback scientist who is happy at work.

Think very carefully before you decide to split your family. The outcome can be far worse emotionally and financially for everyone, yourself included, in splitting a family up. Sometimes this ‘happiness’ you think you’ll find elsewhere is both overrated and imaginary. And if things go badly then I don’t fancy your access to your kids being a given.

One of the hardest things in a marriage is keeping respect for and seeing the value in the other person. Familiarity breeds contempt is a very true saying. If your wife is kind and fair and not abusing you then I think you need to explore fully where the love you once had is gone. She needs to be committed to this too. And you need to give her the opportunity to do this. She probably has no idea you are considering leaving at all.

For some people though the grass is always greener. You don’t need a ‘spark’ anymore to have love and respect for someone.

Why would my access to my kids not be a given?

Thank you everyone for your advice, I have decided to confront my wife about these issues after our holiday. It’s making us all miserable and whatever the outcome we will be better off.

Maybe have an open and honest discussion rather than 'confronting' her - that's a quick way to get anyone's back up.

Suggest counselling again and if she says she doesn't think there is anything wrong, you need to clearly and calmly say that there are things wrong for you and you are entitled to address it, as you are half of the partnership. Good luck.

Sorry greenfingers confronting did sound a bit aggressive and not what I had in mind, thank you for help.

You are absolutely okay to ask her if your needs are not being met, you are absolutely okay to post on here if she will not communicate, you have been given advice to talk, share, communicate....what when that fails? What do you do when you crave intamicy but your OH does nothing to ensure that?
I have been on the other side to this and can say for me it was about control, I froze my partner out, I hates the slightest touch, I went out of my way to not have physical contact.
It was because I was grieving for my Mum, I didn't want to look after anyone else, I was in pain and could not even think about trying to be sexy for my OH or caring if my teens had a fall out at college.
In a nutshell I was wounded, needed time to come back to the real world after bereavement and I did all that, took myself off to read books, went for solo days out to the sea and spent all day just sat on a bench, sat by my Mum's grave not really knowing that four hours had passed.
The thing is now ive done all those things bi feel better, I can get up in the morning with my OH and kids and enjoy and laugh, show her my post and it may resonate with her X Much love x