Nc just incase.
This is so long sorry
Bg - 3 kids with dp. Living apart from dp for over a year. Together for 8 years.
A year ago i kick dp out because id had enough. He doesnt work due to ptsd, anger and general depression. Says it makes him suicidal. All he does is play xbox from afternoon till am then crawls into bed wakes up lunchtime rinse repeat.
For years.. why did i continue to have kids? It was the only time i seen him happy.. only time he would smile. I was desperate i know stupid but i love my kids and wouldnt take it back.
I almost died having my last and it made me see life is too short to be unhappy. I was having constant panick attacks about how my life was going. I sought therapy.. all advised that i should move on from dp.
When we lived together he brushed kids teeth and tucked them in every 2nd night. And qould cook dinner 4 out of 7 nights. I dont work so we are on benifits.. i know. But i would run around washing, mow lawns, wash kids, take them to school and therapys and after school activities( 2 are asd) shopping and i would also vacuum and my day is taken up by housework and kids. Up at 6 bed by 9 then up all night with baby. I mix feed so occasionally dp would give bottle maybe once a week if i preped everything and handed him baby and bottle. Last 2 years, and im not exagerating, i run on 3 to 4 hrs sleep a night. I also take care of all the bills he would give me some money each pay say $350 to help but i would pay over $1000 in bills.. a fortnight. Food petrol phone net kids activities, therapy, elec, ect. Anyway it all came to a head i said i feel like ur maid and im drowning he said well ill leave.. i said cant i just help and he would try take the garbage out like for 2 days then repeat. So i said fine leave. He would stay to see kids 2 days a fortnight. Bit bring xbox and i was living the nightmare again. Then 2 weeks ago i said u havent changed you have no responsibility at all. He doesn't even give money to help now when he stayed. He doesnt pay rent. He lives with his mom and she enables him. He has no car so cant drive with kids. Anyway i said i want to not be in this limbo relationship i want to be free and just contact for kids. I asked him when he wanted to see them so we could set a schedual. First he said 3 days now he wants 2. Whatever.
Then yesterday i was trying to organise drop off via messenger because he doesnt have a phone because he doesnt like to talk! He send me messages implyin.. not out right saying that he is getting therapy and if it doesnt work then this is it he will die. He said that he rather be a memory to his kids then a dissapointment. He said if he cant change and us be together then thats it for him..
Wtf i lost my mum to suicide and he knows that i would do anything to save her. So i begged him and praised him and said if u get help i will be with you. He has tried to get help before but its never worked. What if it doesnt and im the reason he dies.. i cant i just cant. My 1st ever bf suicided last year because his wife left him.. i love this man i do but as a friend and i cant see a furture together. He has no ambition. No drive. Im starting my own buiz to get off benifits. I want to buy a house. He only preparea for appocolyse and bad things. Not for a good future. He ia delusional. But through all this he loves his kids and they adore him. Im sure they love him more then me lol. What i felt with mom... i would never let that happen to my kids. Do i just stick it out for the rest of our lives? We dont even have sex its like a friendship but he said he would chase away anyone else if i wanted to date. I keep thinking of secretly setting him up with another women. I want to be free.. bit i care for him too much for him to die