How do I know if I've fallen out of love? Should I leave?

[liliboard]

Hey!
So I've been with my partner for 10 years. We're not married, we have 2 boys at 3yrs and 9 months.
Our relationship hasn't been easy. We've had a lot of disagreements and issues and have almost broken up a handful of times.

For a long time I've been thinking how he isn't my soul mate, he's not 'the one'

I've just turned 30 and I feel worried that I'm going to waste another 10 years of my life with the wrong person.

I obviously love him, he's a fantastic dad and is helpful around the house, brings in a good wage and works so hard.
He's also understanding, honest and loyal.

He just doesn't show me any affection (he never really has) , there's no romance and no spark. And if I'm honest there never was. I can't decide if I've fallen out of love with him.

I can picture a future without him and the thought of me meeting someone new who could possibly be the right person for me excites me.

I'm sure I'm just answering my own question but what do I do? We have a mortgage together, we've built this home and life for 10 years and when things are good they're ok. But I don't have that 'oh my God I love him so much' feeling. Again, I don't think I ever have. I don't feel like he loves me or feels like I'm anything special.

We've given it mulitple tries and at the moment things are ok but they're not what I'd call a loving relationship.
Any advice welcome

Difficult. You should think about your children and their happiness as it will directly impact yours. Have you tried counselling?

Omg u have wrote most of my thoughts on paper. I have described my relationship as OK and get excited at the thought of meeting someone else. I think you know how you feel already. You could always try councilng If you want to be sure. X

I don't think counciling is for us, he certainly wouldn't be happy to pay for such a thing!!
It's so difficult and such a hard time. I'm going to speak to him tomorrow and see where he thinks this is going.
I don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want to marry me.

Leave! Life is too short. Sounds like he may feel the same way? Your kids are way too young to stick it out and if you split soon your younger child won't remember or know any different. Good luck op.

That's what I keep thinking, life's too short! I think it's just the scariest thing to do!

The grass isn't always greener either...

So if he did want to marry you, what would you do then? You say he's not the love of your life anyway!

Some people show their love by actions, not words. He works hard, he's understanding, honest and all the other good things. Maybe he just isn't demonstrative?

All I would say is: beware of what you wish for. You could jump out of the following and into the fire.

Frying pan

I’m sure it’s normal to some extent. Any new relationship will be exciting but that lust soon wears off. Then again only you really know if U would be happier.

I've read that doing novel things together can bring that spark back so why don't you explore that? Book something fun and different for you both to experience. Google Helen Fisher she does research in to relationships. Also google John Gottman, he's written a few books and has been researching relationships for decades in lab conditions. Google his credentials. The danger would be for you to stray thinking the new relationship was all new, shiny and exciting and the antidote to your unhappiness but what if you're part of the problem? I'm not suggesting you are btw but it might be quite useful to explore it before you make a decision to leave.

Life's not that short these days. You'll likely have 40 odd years of life after your kids are grown up. You sound far from actually unhappy, just a bit bored. Maybe you did settle but you did. And had kids who deserve to grow up in a happy settled family if they can. You don't have to be in a romantic haze all the time or even at all. If you were saying you feel trapped, controlled, miserable etc then fine but honestly, no. It's not unreasonable to fantasise about some great soul mate romance, the one etc but if you like I can PM you about how much damage has been done to my kids because ex H decided that his 'soulmate' was more important than his family. We were fine, having a decent sex life, if not everyday romance, because its hard raising kids and working but he absolutely jumped into 'greener grass'. Maybe HE is happier now, maybe not, I don't know but I can sure as shit tell you his kids aren't.