Why do I still feel terrible after getting out of abusive relationship?

[Putitallbehindme]

Hello ladies

I’m several months out of an abusive and terrible relationship with my husband but still feel at times my mind drifts back to what ifs? What if I’d been better? What if I’d seen his point of view?

I know in lots of ways my life will be better without him but at the moment the thought of starting from scratch is just terrible.

How do others move on and not look back?

x

I just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. I keep thinking That if I had just kept quiet, or been a better girlfriend, or seen it from his point of view then we would still be together now. Someone said on another thread that it’s because It’s all we know and feel secure with. That the control was almost a safety blanket, so starting again on our own two feet is daunting.

Wishing you luck, you aren’t alone

You can’t change them to how you want them to be by your behavior. It will always be their behavior that’s wrong.Sorry

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you've been through this. I hope you are talking to a counsellor about this? And I hope you have support from family/friends too.

I'm no expert but would I be right in saying he was constantly puting you down? Making you feel like you weren't good enough? Making you think things would be better if you changed something about yourself? If so he was wrong.

It's understandable that these thoughts are still in your head as he's probably wrecked your self esteem and made you doubt yourself. I hope with time you can get some confidence and trust in your own judgement back.

It's natural to look back with rose tinted glasses on past relationships and wonder what if, but in an abusive and terrible relationship nothing you could have done would have changed anything

Now is the time for you to focus on yourself and to get the help you need to get you through this . Distract yourself. Find things you enjoy doing. It's very hard to block it out so it's good to talk about it and deal with it to help you move on, and trust that you've made the right decision.

flyingsaucersherbet thanks for responding to my post. I’m sorry you feel the same way.

I agree, it was all I knew and now I feel a different kind of empty.

I know really I’m SO much better off without the physically, mentally and emotionally lying man but I’d got so used to it and new starts are actually harder to “get started” than I thought

Especially in my mid 30’s.....

Every time you start feeling like that force yourself to remember all the awful things he did and imagine him walking back through that door now and being on eggshells again........ you don’t need him! You will be amazing to othout him, it just takes time

adayatthebeach thanks so much for your reply too. You’re so right I know. I need to work on me now I know too, feels like I wasted so much time and energy on someone who would never respect me. x

Sometimes things are not so black and white. There is bad in the best people and good in the worst. Maybe you're seeing the good and not the bad?

Bella898 bless you, what a lovely post.
I have been seeing a DV councellor but I still have moments (normally before bedtime) when I start questioning myself.

You are spot on. Put down after put down after put down. Ripped my physical appearance to shreds from my hair down to my feet (everything was disgusting)

I am also a thick useless c*nt who does nothing.

He’s got a wonderful job and I haven’t contributed anything according to him.

Then occasionally he’d say he still loved me.

I have always felt inadequate so being with him was the worst for my self esteem.

Thanks for your support! Lifted me when I needed it xx

Thank you Anotheridiot I did spend a lot of time on egg shells and I feared him walking in the door at times and even in the better moments I still felt worried.

I think I’m just scared of the unknown, trying to build something again.

I agree time will help and at the moment the memories are still very real x

NadiaLeon I think you’re right. I am just only remembering the good or maybe I’m remembering something I’ve effectively made up in my head. In reality it was lonely being with him x

Hi,
I just wanted to share something that helped me. My ex husband was a narcissistic serial adulterer and with it came plenty of abuse.
During the divorce process, I contacted Solace women's aid and they put me onto a course called Moving On.

I wonder if there's a similar course in your area? I found it really helped me.
When you ring, just ask about the course...

stirling thankyou so much for sharing that with me, I will ask about the course. X

Can relate to this. But I just think how nice it is not to wake up with crippling anxiety anymore. I haven’t cried once since I decided to block him for good. Before that I cried every day for three years because of the things he would do and say. My vulnerable moments are when I feel alone. But I know that feeling lonely is better than suffering mental and emotional abuse x

I just realised I haven’t cried for a long time either. I’ve blocked him from everything too. I still have moments when I look at my phone and expect to hear from him. But as you rightly say I don’t have to wake up feeling anxious of him anymore xx

And that feeling is priceless. I would get insulted very often too and it’s really affected me. He said some unbelievably cruel things about my appearance. I’m trying to work on my self esteem now and my focus is on me rather than him. It takes time but you will get there as you know deep down that things couldn’t continue x

I need to do the same. I do agree life couldn’t continue like it had been. Thanks for helping me xx

Hi, I was in a similar position with my ex having major drink and anger issues which led to verbal abuse too. We have to stay in contact due to the children and I often think what if etc etc, especially when he met new people. All I can say is people can’t hide their true colours for long, so if your ex was like that with you, it’s more than likely it will continue with the next one. I am alone now and it is hard with children but like other posters say, nothing like not being on eggshells or even feeling suicidal because of the anxiety a person brings into one’s life. Even now I feel a bit anxious when he comes over but at least I know he will leave at some point. Time really does heal, sometimes without you even realising it.

Eesha I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through a hard time with your ex too.

We have a child together too and I do worry about the fact that will always mean we have a link.

As you rightly say though people can’t hide their true colours for long

I made excuses for his anger and his belittling of me. I still sometimes believe I’m useless and not good enough and he prayed on my vulnerability.

Hi, I have been in a similar situation - it took me quite a while to get rid of an overwhelming sense of failure. I would go into town and it felt as if everywhere I looked there were couples holding hands or happy family groups.

For me, my self esteem has got far better over time. Try and remind yourself how bad he used to make you feel and congratulate/praise yourself every time you do something well - eg when you have a good time with your child, when you do something well at work, when you do something positive for yourself (such as healthy eating or exercise). In other words, be kind to yourself - just as you would be kind to your child or a friend. X

burninglikefire bless you and thank-you

I am touched by everyone’s kindness and yes I think I just need to be kind on myself.

There is lots I can remember to remind be of how cruel he was.

Feel like a failure at the moment, 34 and have to go through divorce and haven’t worked since my DS was born. My ex has a very good job and won’t have the same problems.

You aren't a failure, you are making a choice for a better life. You could put up and shut up if you wanted. I have friends who do this, I don't begrudge them anything for it. It will be hard but your child will have an amazing bond with you plus I know in my case, won't have such a poor role model in their everyday lives

Thank-you, I know you’re right. It’s just hard when your whole life is turned around. I knew I couldn’t put up and shut up anymore. I went from being submissive to fed up and started saying what I felt (which didn’t go down well at all)

OP make a list of the things you are good at, these are things to be proud of - and store it somewhere that you can look at it whenever you are feeling low, maybe in draft emails. Like this:

1. I am a good listener for my friends and they appreciate me for it.
2. I remember what my friends tell me.

3.I am a good cook. 4.When I was in school I found xxxxxx really hard but I stuck at in a passed. I am proud of that! Be proud of yourself!!!

In your 30's..OMG OP you are JUST a chick!!! And you are stronger than you think...after all you did tell him what you thought in the end didn't you!

Saffy60 thank-you so much, that’s a great suggestion and I will do that. So nice to have support on here. x