First relationship since DD's Dad left...

[Powerless]

Hi!
I wasn't sure whether to ask this for fear of being ripped to shreds but here goes...

My last relationship was years ago, abusive (relative) and with my DDs Dad.
I've recently started seeing someone amazing, and it's like having my first ever boyfriend all over again! Hence why I'm starting this thread as I have so much that I'm questioning myself on.

For instance;
When you're in your mid thirties, do you still have the "Are we actually together now then?" conversation?
How long do you leave it before introducing him to your 3yr old? (I'm presuming several months??)
How much contact with each other is considered 'healthy' once you're our age?! At the moment we're sending the odd text through the day then one (sometimes two) conversations on an evening (bedtime routine in between!)
How long is 'healthy' to wait before sleeping with each other?

I swear I HAVE dated before! But, as I'm sure many will attest to, after an abusive relationship, my memory of anything being 'normal' has well & truly buggered off!

(Please be nice, my Anxiety is horrific)

Thanks!

I have useful experience to help you but I just wanted to say you sound lovely and please relax, you are doing great.

No useful experience that was.

Awww thanks @pog100 !! That's cheered me up, anyway :) x

Anyone?? :(

I think you are doing great and don't rush anything given your background

Don't introduce to your DD for a long time yet. Many on here suggest 9-12 months. Whilst that is restrictive on you if you do all the care it is giving you time to be sure it will be longer term.

I would have exclusive talk pretty quickly and before you slept with him.

When to sleep with him. When you are ready but I would give a 6-8 weeks if you explain why but enjoy kissing and cuddling and you will also know when you feel ready.

Good luck and sounds great for you. Enjoy

My advice would be to relax, enjoy yourself, be yourself and don't rush into anything. If your last relationship was abusive your boundaries may be skewed.

Thanks @MarieG10 @Musti !

I must admit, I'm shocked at the 6-8 weeks timescale for sex!
Due to where he lives and him not having transport, he stayed over on Saturday night (My idea. DD with my Mum) and I honestly was fighting the urge soo bad! He was a gentleman though and the most that happened was a cuddle in bed and a peck on the lips as we said goodbye. It's so hard when the sexual chemistry is overwhelming!!!

Re: the 'exclusive' talk.... So that still happens then? I always thought it to be a teenager thing and assumed us fully-fledged adults just assumed it?!

X

First off - relax! Enjoy! Don’t worry too much about things which are evolving and will come clear with time.

I think for the first three months or so, seeing each other once or twice a week is good. You get to know each other gradually and can feel excited about the prospect of seeing each other. Early dating is nice - why rush past it into the basically living together and spending all your one together part? Sleeping together - whenever feels right is healthy, and you kinda let your bodies tell you when that is. I’ve had relationships where we had sex on the first or second date because it felt right; dude I’m currently seeing we had five dates before having sex for the first time, and that felt right, too.

Don’t assume when it comes to exclusivity - I’m early thirties and when dating assume we’re not exclusive (and behave accordingly) until we have a conversation about it, whereas I know some people assume the opposite. Communication is important and it’s also a great way to get familiar with each other’s motivations and plans, start as you mean to go on.

In a similar situation to you OP, apart from the abusive ex. I have been exclusive with my fella for just over 3 months now. We can see eachother from 1-3 times a week depending. My son is also 3 :) and although we've talked about how we both feel about things, we are in no rush to introduce them both just yet

Enjoy it! I was single for 4 years an was scared to meet anyone, but the difference in how I feel now, it wasn't only the right decision for me to wait but it's been the best :)

I must admit, I'm shocked at the 6-8 weeks timescale for sex!

Wowsers! I cannot see many men (or women for that matter) hanging around that long in this day and age!!! The correct answer, of course, is when it feels right to you.

I'd be a whole lot more wary about the kid situation though - that would certainly be several months.

In terms of contact, again, pick a frequency that feels right to the both of you - there isn't really a right or wrong answer for that.

Thanks @SparklyMagpie & @ComtesseDeSpair :) x

Sorry i dont have any advice but following with interest as you are asking all the questions i too have in my head! Ive recently split with my abusive H & although im not ready to date yet, would like to start at some point soonish

You sound like youre being very sensible about it, good luck!

Thankyou @Rosiepicnic and good luck! It's daunting isn't it? I'd lost all hope until this guy came along! Our first date didn't go particularly well, I was a bit put off by him and I'd even laughed about it with my friends (I know, I'm ashamed of myself there!) but then I got to know him and he's precious to me now! Not to mention gorgeously adorable!
When he came round we were both a bu die of nerves, like teenagers again! X

*bundle 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

Haha I know that feeling, I've cringed sometimes at how much of a teenage girl I feel like when she gets her first crush vom haha. I nearly blew him off before we'd even been on a date I think from feeling scared, but I'm so incredibly glad I didn't

Never had anyone make me feel so confident about myself and respected. It's an amazing feeling :)

6-8 weeks. I suggested it given your background and given your first date wasn't so great but coming on now I would t rush the sex. Too many people have sex early and then it goes cool and feel used. 6-8 weeks isn't really a long time but in the end it is what you want

OP , I am older than you and would say do what feels good for you .

You are right though in thinking and asking - we all become aware of these things/questions . I get what you are saying about the exclusivity - but how on earth can someone say after 1 or 2 or 3 dates that they want to be exclusive ? Yet this is what many on the OLD thread here on MN advocate . Mind you the fact that they are on and off men and women like sex yo yos very early on with seemingly little success is hardly encouraging . Oops ! Sex at first with someone new is always difficult and it does get better as you get comfortable and used to each other . I am having the most amazing sex ever with a man I met but yes it took us a little while to gel mostly due to him being nervous . We did wait a while and I'm glad we did . He did try it on very very early as I think he thought that was what was expected of him and I did explain ( by text admittedly ) that I was not looking for a quick hook up . He took it very well and said neither was he . We waited even longer before he slept over - ditto . When these things happened they then felt natural and comfortable . I think you can gauge a person's attitude to exclusivity by how they talk /the things they say but it is possible to ask " are you seeing anyone else " . We have not had that chat but I know we are by our chats about what we expect in general from OLD early on . How many times seeing someone ? When people have lives and children it does tend to be a bit less than when you were young(er) and single and yes again I agree that a couple of times a week at first is enough . Kids? Hmmm... I haven't met his yet ( 6 months in ) but they are teens so possibly a bit more difficult than young ones . I'm not in any rush .

The one thing that jumped out at me from your comments was but then I got to know him and he's precious to me now! Not to mention gorgeously adorable! This is how it should be . It shows you are taking your time . I look at mine now and love some of his little facial expressions. It takes time for these things to develop . Good luck ! You sound as if you are doing great .

That's so lovely @SparklyMagpie !

Thanks @MarieG10 & @NellMangle x