Advice needed

[Aimee89]

Hey
I'm in need of some sound impartial advice,
I'm 28 my partner 27 we've been together just over 2 years. I fell pregnant early on and now we have a 11 month old daughter and she means the world to me.
Problem is my relationship, it makes for an unhappy home life. My partner and I couldn't be any different and we've grown so far apart in our ways and our views since becoming parents that we avoid seeing each other just for an easy life.
He dislikes the person I am commenting daily on how he's only with me because of how I look. He doesn't have any particular bond with our daughter as he's not wanted to be involved that much with her. I'm not saying I'm a dream I'm a difficult person to live with and I do get on his case a lot. We've tried to fix things make them better which usually lasts 3 days then it's back to normal. I just don't want this to be my life for the foreseeable future. But do I put up and shut up for my daughter and hope if I take a step back things will fall into place I just don't know

It sounds to me as though he isn't ready for a committed relationship, despite having your daughter.

Depending on your job/financial situation, would you be able to part from him? You can't go on as you are, it's an unhappy situation.

You may get on better if you're not living together and he may eventually step up as a dad.

Forgive me but from your post it sounds like you’re not very happy with this man and he’s not going to get any father of the year awards any time soon...

So why do you stay with him?

It's a very unhappy household but he's not a terrible person he supports the family mostly financially. And he actually wants to marry me god knows why if I'm such a bad person. I think we've got so caught up on the ideology of having a perfect happy family without truly looking at the reality of our lives.
I'd struggle financially to go it alone I work full time and his family help out with child care. Im just in a sh*t situation I don't have any family for support so no fall back option.

That's only one reason why people shouldn't go with someone for their looks. It's about who you are. He sounds a bit shallow op. Could counselling help or do you think you're done?

We've made it clear have we not have our daughter we would definitely not be together so I think that speaks volumes.
He won't break up the family and insists he loves me but I generally think he loves the idea of being with me. I'm an unemotional person find it hard to express my feelings counselling might help but I don't know if I'm just avoiding the obvious fact that we aren't right for each other.

I just don't want this to be my life for the foreseeable future
Well only YOU can do something about this.
Life is short. Do NOT 'settle'.
It's absolutely no way to live for any of you.
Time to put on your big girl pants and sort this out.

But do I put up and shut up for my daughter

He doesn't have any particular bond with our daughter as he's not wanted to be involved that much with her.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure why staying with him would be to her benefit? If you separate, he will have to step up if he wants any involvement in her life.

he's only with me because of how I look

That's one of the shallowest reasons I've ever heard for being in a relationship. I think you'd probably be happier if you separated.

I struggle with the phrase “I fell pregnant”.
What does it mean? Pregnancies don’t fall from the sky, you don’t trip over and suddenly become pregnant.
People either choose to have unprotected sex to deliberately get pregnant, or they have a contraceptive failure. In the latter case, termination is available as a back up.
Surely as a basic minimum you find out whether you are compatible as partners before initiating or continuing with a pregnancy? This is a vulnerable human being you have created, not an impulse purchase.
That said, you chose to give birth and establish a household together.
I think counselling would be very useful for you both, to find whether there is anything to salvage in your partnership, or whether you would both be happier alone to look for more suitable partners. Your child can be co-parented amicably even if you live apart.
Finally, please sort your contraception before bringing any more children into this less than desirable set up. It sounds like both of you still have some growing up to do, and the hard reality of parenthood and living together has not lived up to romantic expectation.

You're clearly not right for each other and you are also going out of your way to avoid him. He is focussing solely on looks and that is no basis for a relationship either.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and just what is she learning here. You cannot afford to teach her that a loveless relationship will be her norm too.

You and he should no longer be together; he can still be a parent to his child post separation as well. Staying solely for the sake of the child is not a good idea; it teaches the child that your relationship was based on a lie and its also a heavy burden to place upon them. Is this what you want to show her about relationships; some crap role model this is for her.

The two of you just sound incompatible and as though the relationship has run its course. The best thing you can do for your daughter is not continue to model an unhealthy, unhappy relationship - you won’t do her any favours in childhood or how she eventually models her own relationships. Separate and co-parent that way. You might find that once her dad realises he has to be proactive if he wants involvement with her, he’ll step up and be a much better dad than he is at present.

Surely as a basic minimum you find out whether you are compatible as partners before initiating or continuing with a pregnancy?
I'm totally pro-choice but many people just can't have a termination.
And that, in turn, is their choice.
Some people find out too late.
Age may not be on their side so it could be their last chance.
There are a lot of reasons why people continue with pregnancies and you cannot and should not judge them for their own choices.
WOW!!!!

Don't fight to keep a relationship going which really shouldn't be. You need a decent foundation for anything to last and it doesn't sound like you had that. You'll spend endless hours trying to make it work and it's just a waste of time.
Separated parents.........It's not all that bad. Parents don't have to be together to be good parents. I know a few couples who are better apart than together and they all have a great relationship. Staying together is worse for your daughter- have you imagined being her?

I agree with you babdoc this isn't how I planned my life to pan out but I'm fully capable of taking responsibility for my actions however advice is never a miss. I certainly wouldnt want my daughter to be in a similar situation at my age.
I had major fertility issues due to health problems so yes I wasn't as safe as I should be. I wasn't prepared for parenthood I wasn't prepared for children full stop but who truly knows what to expect with their first. I want what's best for my daughter I will continue to want what's best for her and do my damnedest to provide her the best.

I’m sorry if I sounded harsh, OP. But however she was produced, your child is here now, and you and her father need to sort things out in her best interests. I do think it would help for each of you to see a counsellor separately and just review your options and explore how you feel about relationships in general and each other in particular.
You are still fairly young, and I think all this has been a steep learning curve for you, but you do have plenty of time to seek a happy relationship in future with someone else if this one can’t be salvaged.
Nothing in life is wasted, OP - we can learn from it all, even where we think it’s been a mistake. You and your partner have probably gained some maturity from all this, and will each have a clearer idea of what you want and need in a partner and what your goals are. Good luck - I hope things work out for you both, whether together or apart.