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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Torture of his affairs

14 replies

Airflight303 · 20/08/2018 18:44

I feel as if I'm going insane.
Found out 3weeks ago, of my husbands affairs.
He was on dating websites too.
I feel sick, devastated and heartbroken.
Please I need some help to get over these feelings. I am tourturing myself over and over.
How did you move on and let go?

OP posts:
category12 · 20/08/2018 18:59

Have you split up with him or are you staying?

It's only been 3 weeks.

Tryingagain1 · 20/08/2018 19:05

So sorry to hear that Flowers have you left him? He's a coward for cheating and being so dishonest. You deserve better.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 20/08/2018 19:16

What, exactly, does move on and let go mean for you? Is it in the sense of moving on from the relationship and letting him go? Or is it about you burying your feelings and need for answers in order not to 'hurt his feelings'whilst you stay in your marriage? I can't imagine either scenario would be done with in three weeks. Personally, I would never be able to forget and would therefore find it impossible to rebuild the marriage. For me, moving on would mean ending the marriage and letting go of the plans and dreams I'd thought we shared.

Original poster
Airflight303 · 20/08/2018 19:28

It's over, iv thrown him out.
I cannot and will not be with him.
I know 3 weeks is such a short, and I know it will take an awful long time to get over, but what do I do in the mean time? How do I deal with this without loosing my mind?
We had been together 14years, married 7 with 4 children.
I now know he has lied, cheated,, deceived and betrayed me over and over again for years and years.
How do i let go of him, I don't want him, but I find myself asking him constant questions, he still isn't being honest, then I loose it and become really nasty, I'm not tat person.
But I don't know how to rise above it and have more dignity and move on from this nightmare!!

OP posts:
category12 · 20/08/2018 20:39

I think just be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It's OK to be angry and to lose it sometimes.

You might be better off reducing contact with him and just keeping any communication to the practical stuff, not emotional.

Original poster
Airflight303 · 20/08/2018 21:17

Yes your right. I do need to reduce contact.
But I cant help feeling so bitter that he can go off and do what he likes, have visions of him partying, having fun. I know I'm the lucky one to have my children but I feel so angry how he can just carry on like nothings happened. How do i get over that feeling?

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 20/08/2018 21:29

I think key is accepting who he is. He is not the person you felt you were giving your love to. I second reducing contact. He will never give the full story. The priority now is your healing, not seeking answers that will never be given.

Take care of yourself x

NadiaLeon · 20/08/2018 21:59

Please do not deny your children the right to see their father.

Original poster
Airflight303 · 20/08/2018 23:23

Thank you ladies x no I would never deny him seeing his children, or have anything bad to say about him to them. He will always be their dad.
But since he left he is just turning up whenever he feels like it, he won't sort out days n times.

OP posts:
redastherose · 21/08/2018 08:43

Unfortunately, that is quite common. Get some good legal advice about splitting your assets etc and for me the absolute best thing was getting some counselling to break the emotional connection and enable me to move on. Remember this isn't really early days and be kind to yourself.

Mummacake · 21/08/2018 20:11

You should get some firm days & times in place. It's important for you & it's important for the children in their new routine going forward. He needs to put the children's needs before his own.

Putitallbehindme · 21/08/2018 20:17

This is absolutely devastating for you and I’m truly so sorry you have to experience this.

As the other posters have said, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to mourn (the terrible thing that has just happened)

Then when you can muster up the energy get some plans in place.

I really hope you you have some good friends and family around you.

I’m early days divorcing an abuser (so different) but terrible. I know how painful and soul destroying it is.

xx

Original poster
Airflight303 · 21/08/2018 23:16

Thank you for the kind words and support. I know I need to grieve for the life I thought we would have. But I also need to toughen up and get some firm plans in place regarding finances and access to the children. X

OP posts:
Doingreat · 22/08/2018 01:07

So sorry you're going through this OP. Can you get some counselling for yourself? Do you have real life support from family and friends?

Please don't let him turn up whenever he feels like it. He's trying to control you. Take back control and the power. He's a total shit.

Thinking of you x

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