Adult Siblings/Parents - am I the crazy one?

[Jamesonthegiantbeach]

There’s so much to say I don’t really know where to start. I have a brother who was violent and really really horrible to me childhood. I’ve had no relationship with him as an adult. He is years older than me so he was always bigger/stronger/smarter. Our parents just treated our relationship as normal siblings squabbles, and never acknowledged the power imbalance. Looking back they have always shrugged and said he was worse to my sister.

About 10 years ago I went NC with my sister. She has never been violent or anything but is a bit of a user. She is clever and has a sharp eye for people’s weaknesses and insecurities. She expects to be supported and agreed with at all times. She can be very hurtful and said some unforgivable things when I was at a very low point. I decided I’d had enough.

The rift between the siblings has deeply hurt my elderly parents. My mother in particular cannot accept it and constantly tries to get involved and arrange meetings/ email contacts and Skype calls etc that nobody else wants. It is exhausting, although I sympathise.

These days I live far away from the rest of my family. I am happily married and have a family of my own, and good friends. I constantly struggle with asking if I have caused the family break up. I speak with my parents regularly and when they bring up my siblings (frequently) I try to make non committal noises and not get into a conversation.

My mum insists on Skyping with my niece and nephews which is awkward. If my parents come to visit (which I appreciate) there is always some drama with one or other of my siblings that means they are always on the phone with them and telling me how stressful things at home are...but they won’t bore me with the details...

If I ask them to please not discuss my siblings with me they get angry or huffy with me.

I’m just so exhausted by all of them. When I’m not in touch, things are so easy. But I am aware that this is my version of events and in each of theirs I would be the unreasonable/huffy/problem person.

I’m so confused and exhausted by them all and now I see my parents are getting older. infirm and suffer from mental health problems. I am consumed with guilt by the whole thing. Is there anyone else in a similar position? How do I know if My behaviour is justified?

I see a counsellor but am starting to get suspicious that she will always take my side rather than being objective. Does anyone have any advice? Apart from get over myself?

I constantly struggle with asking if I have caused the family break up

You didn't cause your brother to bully and abuse you: he chose to do that. You didn't cause your parents to ignore what he was doing to you: they chose to do that. All you've done is take reasonable steps to protect yourself from abuse.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. But I don't think your parents or siblings will see it like that.

I think you're going to have to enforce stricter boundaries about how they behave around you: when they start talking about your siblings, tell them you're not prepared to discuss them, and if they persist, leave the room. Don't let them bully you too. (I find CaptainAwkward really useful in working out how to cope with difficult people: you might find it useful too.)

No, you are not the crazy one.

Guilt is a choice...you can just say no to guilt. You put necessary boundaries in place due to their behavior. You have made choices to protect yourself which will always be valid. (Your family of origin may never validate your perspective, so it may be a waste of time/emotional energy to expect that.) Fallout or unintended consequences can be significant, but...so what? Your original boundary must take priority. You are important in your very own life.

It is ok to (leave the circus) stop caring what they think. It is ok to stop listening. It is harder than setting a boundary of contact because we are conditioned for so so long to be polite and care and listen.

Let your family of origin go...concentrate on your immediate family.

Thanks for the replies and the recommendation for Captain Awkward - had a good look through it today and definitely found useful suggestions.

Yes the issue is definitely boundaries. I think the problem is whenever I’ve tried to assert them I either get eyerolls and ignored or they get angry and don’t speak to me.

As I said, I live far away now. I was visiting once a year but I’ve stopped that now as my mum kept arranging family lunches or inviting her other grandchildren over and it caused me huge stress. Most recently my sister is getting married and sent me a Facebook message “inviting me” in the condition I go back to how things were before I went NC. I said congratulations and I’d think about it and she immediately replied and said actually it would be better if I didn’t come. Then I got a phone call from my mum asking me to please reconsider coming to the wedding.

I suspect my parents had put pressure on her to invite me so she sent the message and then said I’d refused. Somehow I always end up looking like a bitch.

I really don’t want to cut contact with my parents. They mean well and they try their best. Plus they are good with my kids (mostly) and it’s nice for them to have a relationship. I just need to know how to make my boundaries clear without losing my temper as otherwise they are ignored. Also terrified I am passing on these behaviours to my children, doing some of these things without realising it.

Anyway it’s nice to read I’m not the crazy one. Unfortunately the voice in my head immediately says “pff these people don’t really know what you’re like, you’re misrepresenting everything, you’re an ungrateful brat” etc etc. I’m a grown woman!! And revert to being an angry teenager whenever I have contact. I wish it could be different.

Hi Op
I am NC with my adult sibling. We have been on and off for years but have remained so for the past almost 3 years. I am LC with my mother and in the early days whenever I visited or called she would nag me to reconcile, and tell me sob stories and make excuses and I gave in and made contact. It was futile, and upsetting, the sibling was utterly vile and bitter towards me, but my DM would not accept this and continued to nag me to reconcile. I have had 2 children during this period of time, stressful pregnancies, but the main focus from my DM has been the adult sibling and our broken relationship. She is relentless and now our LC relationship is becoming weaker and weaker, I rarely visit or phone now. She won't accept it, or any boundaries, she won't accept my view point. Its sad but it's better for me to stay focused on my own family and keep her at arm's length.

Hmm I wonder if you are my sister! Sometimes I think if my mum had kept her nose out of it we might have worked it out by now... or maybe I’m dreaming. I feel very bitter towards my sister because she hurt me so badly after I had spent many years supporting her. We never had a chance to “cool off” and try again because there was always someone stirring the pot.

Anyway it’s comforting to know it’s not just me. Though I’m sorry you’re experiencing it too.