Advice needed - how to let go of a best friend

[BowBaby]

This is a bit of a long story so will try to keep it breif..
I’m a happily married woman (married for 6 years, together for 10) with two lovely little ones (aged 3.5 and 5m) and recently a sad situation has arisen with my plutonic male best friend of 20 years.
I met my friend when we were at uni, and quickly became fast friends during those few years. With a wider friend group we spent those years socialising, partying, supporting each other and scrapping through our course 😊 We had lots of shared interests and I always felt that this was someone I could completely be myself with. We moved to different parts of the country but have always been itouch regularly over the years, calls every few weeks and messaging in between. Although we lived far away from each other, we would meet up a few times a year, go on holiday, or for weekends away or to festivals, sometimes on our own, sometimes with partners or friends, the most recent time was a festival to celebrate his 40th. He was even an usher at mine and my husbands wedding. We supported each other through relationship ups and downs, emotional times and he was great during the time my husband and I struggled to conceive a lasting pregnancy. He’s always been welcomed but my friends and family as I have by his.Basically, I thought this was a friend who would never hurt me.
A couple of years ago, he started a new relationship with a lady, but things were complicated due to her circumstance from the start. Of course I was always there for him as he worked through the issues and needed someone to talk to. Eventually, they got together and she fell pregnant. I was so excited for him to find The One and have a child like he always wanted. I was excited to meet her and for her to become a friend too. To add to the excitement I was due my second child within a few days of him. I thought it would be lovely for our littles ones to grow up being good friends.
As the due dates approached I started to realise unless I contacted him, he was rarely making the effort to get in touch. Invites were met with flimsy excuses as to why he could not make it. At times when I did get in touch to wish him Happy Birthday/ Christmas conversation had become so stilted and awkward I would be relived to get of the phone. The birth of my son came and instead of the usual call I got a quick Facebook message. I knew he was busy and in a new relationship, with a new baby on the way so gave him space.
Then one day a few months ago I saw pictures from a large christening he had had for his daughter, with lots of family and friends in attendance. I was hurt that I had not been invited and called him to ask why. This was not an angry or horrible conversation in any way, but I did say how sad I was at being excluded. He said he wanted to invite me but could not as his girlfriend is jealous of our relationship and thinks that there is something between us ( there’s not) and that she does not like him talking to women in general. I have never even met her. I said that this was silly and I’d like a chance to meet her to put her mind at rest. He said I was right and he would call me in a week or so to organise something. This was a few months ago and have heard nothing from him since.
I know this seems particularly petty, but he won’t even like my social media posts anymore - I feel like I’ve been ghosted.
I’m fortunate to have quite a few friends in general, so I’m not lonely, just really miss this person of 20 years in my life. AIBU to feel like this? Anyone been through similar or have any advice? I know I deserve better so won’t be making contact again, but any tips about how to move on from the loss of a long term friendship? Any advice appreciated xx

He's putting his wife's wishes above yours I think. There's nothing you can do but don't take it personally. Hopefully in time she will trust him more.

He's putting his wife's wishes above yours I think. There's nothing you can do but don't take it personally. Hopefully in time she will trust him more.

This... which of course makes him a good man. Just hope he is happy and she is not making him sacrifice too much for their relationship. Sorry that your friend has gone away OP, I imagine it hurts a lot given how close you were. In time it’ll get better but I don’t have any more wiser words for you

Wow!! I'm going against the grain here, he needs to grow a pair and tell his girlfriend that she cant dictate who he is friends with, she sounds massively controlling. I can understand how hurt you feel, all I can say is its his loss and he will regret losing your friendship. What an idiot he is.

Sadly I think you have to accept he has moved on, according to his partners wishes (even if they are unreasonable).

I have lost my only remaining adult male friend in similar circumstances, after 15 years of a really lovely friendship - nothing intense, but we would speak on the phone every month or so and meet 3 or 4 times a year for s good chat. Our friendship deepened even when I met someone, got married and had two children and our lives were totally different.

But when he met his wife, yhe gruenddhip gradually petered out on his side. He has never said his wife doesn’t like me or our friendship, but I think it must be that.

For a couple of years I contacted him every couple of months to check in and see how he was, but only ever got short replies to messages along the lines of ‘hope you’re well’. I was excited for him when, after difficulty conceiving and several miscarriages, he and his wife went on to have two children - I sent generous gifts and havr always been mindful to ask after his wife and send her my well wishes. I realised early on that he was no longer going to be available to meet up for coffee or dinner just with me, so made suggestions for them to meet for dinner with me and my husband or for a day out as two families. He only ever responded after long periods with flimsy excuses.

I’ve accepted it now, and don’t initiate contact anymore. He didn’t get in touch on my 40th birthday and I wasn’t invited to the baptism of his new baby recently...so I guess that’s it.

It’s sad. But what can you do?

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. And I think each one of you has a good point or good advise. Of course I know really there is nothing I can do. Just a bit of a shock to the system I guess. Like userxx suggested, sometimes I feel that he should have fought for our friendship a bit more. He is more naturally demonstrative than me and I lost count of the times he told me through the years that I was he best friend ever, and nothing could ever change that, so this complete turn about has come as a bit of a shock. I’ve invested a lot in him through the years and stuck up for him when I myself had a jealous ex. Ah well, you live and learn. I certainly don’t want to create any trouble for him, but there is an element of me that feels worried that he’s ok. Thanks again x

You will put yourself under a lot of stress Op if you try to maintain contact with him. He has a partner who obviously will make his life really difficult on a daily basis with her jealousy, unfortunately that's the choice he has made in his relationship.

I would not be friends on FB/social media as you will just be ignored and that makes the situation even worse for you as it's just another form of rejection by him.
IME it's best to leave them to it and concentrate on true friends who do not have any agenda and treat you with respect.

Before I even got to the bottom of your post and you mentioned it, I knew you wee going to say that his gf had instigated this.

It's a sad situation to be in, however I guess it's just a different stage of your lives, and whilst your relationship and friendship grew alongside each other in a harmonious way, it's different for his gf, it's really sad that he has cut you off completely though, but remember that this isn't your friend who has ultimately driven the choice, it is his gf.

Could you invite them all to yours? Or meet somewhere mutual in the middle? It may be a last ditch attempt but might be worth one last effort?

Totally different circumstances but I am learning that you're never too old to be let down, or feel disillusioned in friendships - but it hurts.

Totally different circumstances but I am learning that you're never too old to be let down, or feel disillusioned in friendships - but it hurts

Yep, me too. It bloody hurts. More so than some relationship break-ups.

I knew what was coming, too. A former partner of mine tried that shit with me (I'm man with a female best friend). Female best friend was fine until he ex dumped her, then my partner took against her, as if now she was single we'd run off together. Best friend had been around long before partner, as had some other female friends (all of whom were fine although again, one one split up, some snide comments were made).

This is why my partner is an ex-partner and I still have all my female friends, including my best friend, and I've never dated, kissed or slept with any of them either before we split or in the eight years since.

While there is respecting someone's wishes, it is totally wrong, in my opinion, to allow someone else's paranoia or issues to kill off existing friendships. If a man was making it difficult for a woman to see her male friends he'd be called controlling and people wouldn't like it. Amazed a couple of posters think he'd a good man for allowing his wife to control him.

Shatner etc - it is very wrong and controlling to police someone's friendship but it's not op's husband who is being like that so what can op do?

Shatner - good for you. Mates before dates every time.

From what you've said YANBU, but you never know, he may have confided in her that he had a huge crush on you for years or something. Or she may just be massively jealous and controlling, it happens.

He's doing what he can to prioritize the relationship with the mother of his child, which is obviously the right thing to do, broadly speaking. I would imagine that it's a pretty unhealthy relationship if she's prevented him seeing his best friend for years, and on that basis would hazard a guess that they will eventually split up and he'll get back in touch with you.

I’ve had this and didn’t quite clock on that it was the gf until we were in my car one day and he literally ducked down in case she saw him.
Eventually he stopped contacting me and ten years on he’s still with her and has two dc.

This actually made me happier now looking back that he really did want to be with her so much effectively I doubt it didn’t hurt him a bit to stop our friendship. And every now and then I see him on the train and he goes out of his way to sit next to me and ‘catch up’ and it’s sad because we fall back into place as old friends do but he daren’t be seen with me outside of the train even if he’s never specifically said this.

I think I agree he’s a good man, his wife feels threatened wrongly or rightly and he’s decided that this is a better way than fighting with his wife with all probability of losing you as a friend in the end anyway. Forgive and move on IMO.

Thank you all, really appreciate the time and thought everyone has taken to reply. I have discussed this with friends, but did not want to do their head by bringing it up again, so this has really helped me. 😊

Hope it get sorted and comes to his senses

This is really sad. I would imagine that in time, he will come to his senses a bit. I think she sounds very insecure, and I would be surprised if the relationship continues to blossom for years and years if it's like that. If she had met you and come to this conclusion and you were single and flirting/behaving a bit OTT with him etc I think she would be well within her rights, but it sounds like she has made this call without bothering to take the time to meet you first.

Thank you. Strangely enough my anger is not really directed towards his partner and my frustration lies much more with him. In a way, I feel that she does not owe me anything as we have never met, and probably she is acting out of insecurity. My friend is usually a very independent person and not timid in the least, so I can’t help but feel he could have done more. I actually feel a bit tragic admitting how I feel about this, especially as there is so much worse going on in the world.

I had a close male friend when I was at uni. We were friends from literally the first day of our first year. We sat together every day in lectures and we were good friends. He got a girlfriend and told me she didn’t like us being friends and was jealous. Again I had never met her so knew nothing I was doing t was making her jealous, just the fact I existed or how he represented me. He did used to joke that he said thinks like “OP wouldn’t do it like that” so I felt he caused the problem.

We continued to be friends but at some point in third year he became more distant. I actually met her once and it was so awkward and weird. He was clearly trying to reassure her as they walked towards me. Our friendship waned after that.

At some point we just didn’t talk any more. He was respecting her wishes is not talking to me and I felt like he’d treated me like the other woman when nothing had ever happened. He sometimes said things to imply that he might like me in another way but I don’t know. We were 18 and he certainly didn’t try anything.

That was all about 13 years ago and I actually ran into him at an event a few months ago! We spent the evening catching up and even shared a taxi to the station. He then casually dropped the girlfriend’s name into conversation. They are now married with children!

To be honest I thought less of him for treating me as he did as there was nothing between us. And I didn’t think much of her for making him do that.

Seeing him was nice but I can’t say I could imagine us being friends now.

It’s not the same as we were so young then and I can imagine how hard this is. I don’t think he’s doing the right thing but there is not much you can doZ

Anyone else find they feel sick AFTER eating? I used to feel sick and then usually feel better after eating but the last week or so I have felt sick after I’ve eaten especially on an evening

Ha sorry ignore my last post - wrong group 😂

I've been in this situation twice. Both platonic friendships where we had never kissed etc. Like brother & sister.

One time, he let his now wife dictate & ditched me.

The second guy wouldn't stand for it, arranged for the three of us to hang out. Once she saw me and him interact like brother and sister, she never felt jealous again. She is now one of my best friends!

The first scenario was so upsetting for years though. I get it. I lost a friend over it.

I suggest writing him a letter saying how you miss him etc but by gosh, the ball is in his court. So sad how this happens.

If I had daughters, I'd encourage them not to over-invest in platonic friendships with men because we are often put on the back burner when the One arrives!

Oh op. Sounds like she is jealous of you and is cutting you out because of her insecurities. That's so awful of him to let her behave that way, if you have been friends for such a long time.