Does your relationship resemble your parents'?

[applesandtrees]

Not looking for a roasting, just genuinely interested/a bit concerned.

My parents have been married for decades and have both bitched to me about the other for as long as I can remember. It would be easy to say I've allowed it to happen but it has literally been going on since I was a young child, say 9 or 10. I'm trying to break the cycle but have complicated relationships with both. So if I argue with one, the other will overhear it and say 'oh you know what he/she is like, how typical', and I end up feeding the beast.

My own relationship is great, DH is obviously not perfect but he is amazing and (I feel) unbelievably good to me.

However I find that I blame him for silly things and get annoyed, along the lines of 'OFGS he must have left X out instead of putting it away, now the DC have had it and broken it', or 'FFS, Y is broken/dirty, it must have been bloody DH again'.

When we argue, he says that he's made to feel like everything is his fault, and I guess he's right. I DO assume everything is his fault, even when there's a remote chance it was me.

Is my behaviour part of every normal relationship, or is it something I've learned from watching my dysfunctional parents?

I do think we naturally imitate our parents' relationships in some way. I have a friend who has a very high powered job, takes no messing from anyone and yet acts like a total doormat to her DH. Her mother was very similar. (If she's happy, that's fine, it's just to illustrate that it might be learned behaviour).

I desperately want to avoid becoming like my parents, but wondered to what extent me blaming DH for every little thing is normal, and how to stop myself doing it?

Thanks in advance for any advice - I realise I probably need to do some work on myself!

I think in some ways it's a bit inevitable.

It sounds like you are still happy with DH, maybe the important thing would be to promise yourself not to diss him to your DC? What upsets you more? That your parents blamed each other or that they complain about each other to you?

I have managed to marry someone a lot like my mother. I know this because whether we're at our house or theirs the lid is never put back on the butter without my intervention initially I got a bit rankled but now I accept it and laugh it off.

Hi OP. My mother used to bitch non stop to me and my sister about all my dad's shortcomings. This started when I was around 10, so a similar age to you. Do not underestimate how much this messes you up. I would be told all the dreadful things he had done and said, but not be allowed to let on that I knew any of it, so would be expected to go along with the happy families act and act as if I didn't know how unhappy my mother was. And you had it from both sides!

DP and I have worked very hard to make sure that our relationship is NOTHING like our respective parents'. And yet, I can see tiny similarities. I'm extremely irritable. I have to stop myself blaming him for everything. And that's after spending several years in therapy, which I cannot recommend highly enough by the way. Seriously, therapy. If you want to change the patterns that you know you can see, therapy is the way forward.

An ex friend of mine had a very submissive mother, who believed that the man is the head of the household and must not be challenged etc etc. Surprise - she is now married to a controlling wanker herself, but can't see it and minimises his behaviour all the time. So I think there probably is a certain inevitability about repeating your parents mistakes. The good news however, is that it CAN be changed. It just takes a lot of work and a lot of time.

Thanks for the replies!

Non that’s a good question. I think I’m probably most upset that they don’t have a warm and loving relationship. I suppose on one hand I want to support them both, but I’m getting to the point now where I feel like telling them to get on with it and split up. Not that I believe they would.

You make a good point about never dissing DH to our kids. We’re very happy together, but I hope I’m conscious enough to never start bitching to our DC about the little things. I already make a point of our home being full of cuddles and ‘I love you’s, which mine never was.

Lottapianos, thank you so much for your post. I found your words really reassuring. I do have a therapist (whom I only see a couple of times a year now as I’ve been doing ok) but am clearly due a visit.

I sometimes find myself imitating my parents (bitching for no reason feels good... eek) and I hate myself for it. MIL is a good example. She’s been a PITA for many years and we’ve had several run-ins, but I have an unhealthy addiction to bitching about her.

Wow, I really DO have a lot of work to do on myself

No, but that has been a bit of a conscious decision. My first two serious relationships were because I ended up with abusive men like my father. The shouting and ignoring felt normal to me. I finally broke the cycle and married someone kind, which has made all the difference.

Hell, no! I used my abusive parents as a template for how NOT to behave in a marriage, married someone they didn’t like, and went no contact when pregnant with DD1.
I used them as an anti model for how to be a parent too!
DH and I adored each other and had a loving relationship right up to his death at 36.

All behaviour is learned (think about it) but now you've recognised it in yourself (aha moment) So now you can change it.

We have all been programmed and conditioned, whether through family life, media, religion, education, politics and people.

Learned behaviour becomes habitual as you have described.

Having an understanding of that helps enormously.

'Wow, I really DO have a lot of work to do on myself '

So does everyone, but you're in the tiny minority that actually recognises it

No because my mum m used to obey my father to a large extent and skivvy around after him. There is no way I want that for myself!

After I married, my mother used to moan to me about my dad's perceived shortcomings.
I hated it and consequently I never, ever moan to my kids about their dad. I remember how I felt when mum did it.

I wonder this. I don’t have children. But I realise that my mum was angry all the time for most of my childhood. Mainly at my dad, but it was taken out on us too.
My ex said I was an angry person, always grumpy. And I think perhaps he is right. I feel angry about so much it’s almost my default.
I don’t really want to be. But I’ve made some shit life decisions that just seem to exacerbate it. I look at people who are naturally carefree and happy and wonder how they do it.

Hell no!!!! My mum and dad had traditional roles. He was a bit of a sexist pig actually. Held the purse strings, had his hobbies while my mum would buy £2.99 clothes. Lots of things I won't go in to, but I just thought fuck that for a game of soldiers.

My DH in comparison is completely my equal and I feel loved and respected by him and I love and respect him in return.

I will never be the 'little woman'

After my dad died, my mum found her inner strength, has remarried and takes no shit. Not that her husband would give her shit as he is the opposite to my dad in the way he treats her.

Considering my father came out as gay when I was 10 and my mother was an alcoholic...I would hope not!

I've also rebelled against my maternal grandparents' model of marriage. He was a grumpy got and she martyred herself to try to gain his love. She worked her fingers to the bone to the point where they both agreed she didn't need a comfortable chair because she was always having to get up anyway to make meals, cups of tea, fetch him something, etc. Meanwhile he had a recliner...and am affair with the next door neighbour. No thanks!

My paternal grandparents and my great aunt and uncle were both couples who had fun, approached life in a light-hearted way and clearly loved each other. I try to emulate them and I think, most of the time at least, we do.