My husband has left

[Dee423]

Hi
I'm a little older than a lot of mum's here but I think I feel the same way about things. My long term husband has told me that he no longer loves me. He hasn't really given a reason but has just left. I feel so angry at him, not least because although our marriage wasn't perfect , it was pretty good and we had everything to look forward to. My children(grown up) never want to see him again. That might change. But I really don't know how to deal with the pain and loneliness and fear for the future. I'm trying the obvious things like going for a walk but I just don't know how to get past this hurting stage. Any ideas?

I would get my ducks in a row and gather all legal and financial information together then make an appointment to see a solicitor (first half hour usually free), to talk about divorce and the division of assets.
Being in control of practical matters will help enormously to focus the mind and take those all important first steps towards this next phase of life.
When you do that, you'll find that the sense of despair and failure turns into one of challenge and anticipation for the future.
Be kind to yourself and don't do the age-old female thing of blaming yourself either!
He walked out, he threw it all away, he's the one who decided he doesn't love you. Well, let him carry on then. There's probably another woman in the background. There usually is. If so, she's welcome to him.
Life's too short to put up with other people's existential drama. You are just as valuable and just as special without him OP.

Oh I’m so sorry, Dee!

I think that’s just about as hard a thing as a person can have to go through, short of someone close to you dying.

Something I’d like to say is that even if he doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. When we’re rejected we can feel that way but it’s not at all true. Obviously your kids know who they love here, and that’s obvious by their defensiveness of you.

One foot in front of the other for a while. Expect to feel miserable, and don’t beat yourself up over it if you’re struggling.

I had a painful breakup years ago (not as long a relationship as yours, so not sure if this will help) and I tookup pottery and sculpting in clay. It doesn’t matter what it is but sometimes finding something to do with your hands can give your mind a rest.

It seems insurmountable. It seems like you’ll never be happy again. Just trust that you will, but you need to work through it. If he was crucial to your happiness you never would have had a happy day until the day you met. Just tell yourself, “I may not be okay today, but I am going to get through this and I’ll be just fine”.

Oh and while it’s raw, I can’t say enough for the cathartic power of sheer white rage. When you find your angry out of the hurt you’ll feel better.

I didn't want to read and run. I have nothing very useful to add but pallasathena has given great advice; that once you start to take control of how the situation plays out then you will feel better.

Also, give yourself time to heal, you will read lots of posters on here grieving for the relationship that they used to have or the future they had imagined. you have been together long enough and shared enough to be married long term and to have raised grown up kids, I'd imagine the grieving process will be long and very tough. Try to surround yourself with people who love you, your kids will very likely want to support you, and as above, be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel all sorts of fear, anger, grief, anxiety. Make sure you keep talking about it to people who love you and seek counseling if you feel you need an impartial perspective or someone to give you some coping strategies. for you.

I understand the rage totally , blaze away, but with regards to kids, I think time is needed here. There are plenty of women on here who have walked out of relationships were they were not happy for all kinds of reasons and it’s not always an affair , but would expect still to have a relationship with older children.

Sorry to read this, Hugs to you and your children.

When I was in a similar situation I took life a day at a time and looked for things to keep me busy.

Seems a bit odd if, as far as you were aware, there were no problems. Cherchez la femme, I'm afraid . So sorry.

Thanks for all the support. It's bewildering. The night before he left he told me how much we loved me and we were planning our holiday ( which he has now taken on his own!) I think he left because we had a tiff and he got very angry and lost his temper. Don't know and probably never will. He keeps telling me he's screwed up and how sorry he is and how sad he is. Am I meant to comfort him too!!??

Dee, do you think he’s having second thoughts?

Hi knitted fairies
I think he's just feeling guilty but he may be regretting it. I think he acted on impulse and is too stubborn to back down or admit it. Very short sighted I think.

Anger is keeping me going. I'm partially disabled due to cancer a couple of years ago and everytime I struggle to do something that he would normally help with I get really mad at him.i need a punchbag I think!

Go and get a solicitor whilst hes away and start proceedings. Ask for mediation as well, as this gives him a chance to formally talk too if needed. What a shit thing to do ...... take control and make him realise you arent just going to sit there crying waiting for him to make the move. Poor you - xx

Thanks. I will. Xx

I think I am turning a corner and beginning to realise he is a worthless, selfish piece of . But I still feel so angry with him for what he has done and the fact that he doesn't seem to care at all. He sent me a formal message wishing me well for a hospital appointment today!

Absolute idiot of a man, Is he now back peddling by sending you a “hope all goes well text”.

The way there minds work is totally confusing - I personally would ignore the message.

Hope your day gets better 💐

You are allowed to feel angry, he’s behaved very badly.

And your adult children are allowed to Be angry too. It’s up to them how they negotiate their relationship with their father now, you don’t have to fix this.

And No you dont have to comfort him. My ex was like this too. After he left he was telling me all his problems and was amazed when i said to him that this wasn’t my issue and he should talk to his friends / therapist / whatever. None of the emotional labour that i did for years had any value for him until it was withdrawn.

You sound like a very strong person and that will help get you though these next weeks and months. Do you have friends and family to support you , so you don’t end up sounding off to your kids?

Dear rosemary 46
Thanks for your support. I probably am strong but don't feel it. My friends are supportive but I don't have any family . That's why your comments are so valuable.

Thank you. I’m glad that your friends are there for you.

Sadly you are not the first and won’t be the last woman to be treated like this after many years of marriage. My heart goes out to you.

Well, now I keep getting messages from him with a X at the end. He's giving me all this detail about his day to day activities as if nothing has happened!!

Of course he is. He wants to to listen to him and his problems and provide emotional support. Just like you have done all these years.

Ignore.