Just need to share this

[Elijem01]

On Saturday night, I was feeling pretty fragile. I’d just had a rough week. A friend with terminal cancer. I’d has a long day in hospital with a sick child with some major health tests, had car trouble, and finally my front tooth after an old bicycle accident repair just broke. I was feeling worn down by worries and my broken tooth made me feel fragile and humiliated.

So that night, my husband is watching the footy. He gets very worked up by sport, very aggressive, when he’s usually pretty relaxed. And towards the end of the game, I walked past him to sit on the couch near a plug as I needed to charge my phone. Was just trying to distract myself from my own anxiety.

And for a second, I was in between DH and the TV, and he just went off, yelling at me. Super aggressive, in my face. Ended up threatening not to give me the card (our money) pay for my tooth repair.

I would have been outraged at any time, but for him to act like this when I needed a bit of TLC really upset me. And he won’t apologise. For days now. He was completely out of order, so intimidating. In the end, I stood in front of the TV and told him so, and he grabbed me and shoved me out of the way. He’s never out his hands on me in anger before.

I can not reconcile that angry man with him loving me. I just don’t believe that right now.

Just wanted to tell someone.

Oh Elijem, that’s awful. Nobody has the right to shove someone physically out of the way, yell in your face or threaten to withhold your own money from you. The fact that even in the cold light of day he can’t see how out of order he was makes me think it wasn’t just a moment of anger due to sport or whatever (not that it’s acceptable but I can imagine that being used as an excuse by someone who was actually sorry).

I don’t know what to suggest really. I suppose you’re not asking for advice, just to get it off your chest, but I just feel so sad that you have to just take it and you can’t make him see how horrid he was. Could you get away for a few days to get some space and clear your head?

Thank you! I can’t tell you how much it helps just to have you acknowledge it was wrong and he had no right. I’m a person who has a strong sense of justice, so to have him behave so badly and then no apology, no acknowledgment, just gets me very upset.

Thanks for your kindness and support

I'm sorry to read this - you sound a sensitive person, and your husband has acted cruelly (and aggressively). Could you sit him down and explain how you feel?

@LadyMofMtsensk I tried, but he still thinks that walking past him was somehow an appalling thing to do. And I was just moving around a room. It’s like we’re from different planets on this. Like he’s living in Opposite World.

It helps though that you can look at this and say it was cruel and aggressive. I just needed some empathy. Thank you!

That’s awful. The physical assault, then the refusal to acknowledge it.

Is it really so out of the blue for him to be abusive?

So that night, my husband is watching the footy. He gets very worked up by sport, very aggressive, when he’s usually pretty relaxed.

I've known a number of women in my time whose husbands (so they claimed) were generally very nice but when they had too much to drink they became aggressive and abusive. I would always make the point that if drink turns you into a monster then the obvious solution is not to drink. Unfortunately too many of these women chose to blame the drink rather than their husband's choice to drink and endure years of abuse as a result.

You're in a similar situation. He turns into a nasty aggressive abuser when he watches sport. If he won't accept that and deal with it then you need to realise he will not change and you will continue to be the victim of periodic abuse. Don't distract yourself by blaming the trigger. The blame is on him for refusing to accept he has a trigger and avoiding it. Domestic abuse is never acceptable no matter the frequency or the excuses. Look after yourself if he won't.

He was way out of line and I'd be expecting a groveling apology. Does he have form for this sort of thing?