Sorry this is my first time but I desperately need advice and I'm unsure who of my friends I can talk to as there's so much, so please bear with me... I met my husband 18 years ago and when we first met he was going through a period of confusion about his sexuality. He had ended his previous relationship as he had started using gay porn/seeking gay sexual experiences and the guilt ate him up so much that he left. When I met him he was in an 'exploratory' phase but would still have girlfriends. We became very good friends and I wrote him off as a potential prospect. We were living abroad at the time and became part of the same close group. A few months later he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. I was very surprised but realised I still had feelings for him and we decided to give it a go together. A few months later he had the first 'crisis' and said that he wasn't sure that all of the 'gayness' (his description) had gone away and that he felt in crisis. We talked and talked and after putting our relationship on the back burner for a while he then decided that he was 'fine' and that we could be together. Fast forward a couple of years and we've got married. On our wedding day I felt underwhelmed - I'm not sure why - I'd never particularly been that bothered about getting married and we did argue and disagree a lot. A year later I was pregnant. 10 weeks into the pregnancy and again he said that he'd had these 'feelings' again and that he wasn't sure how to deal with them. Obviously this wasn't great for me and I was very unsure about what this meant for our future. He decided to go to counselling and after an intensive 4-month course of counselling came to the conclusion that he was bisexual but that he didn't need to fulfil that part of his sexuality any longer - he'd explored it and it was unfulfilling, and that he was happy to be with me as his only sexual partner. Over the years since I've often burnt with resentment and been very suspicious of him. When he's too quiet/secretive, I've been convinced that he's having 'those' thoughts. When he's been travelling away (which he often has) I have had to stop my mind from thinking about what he could be doing. Even if we watch a TV show with gay sex scenes, I'm convinced that he's being turned on. He says not, that it's part of him, but that it doesn't control him any more and that he's happy. I don't know if it's just this or other things as well but I just don't feel fully connected with him. We argue a lot, we're very different, we have different parenting styles and to be honest, I'm often a real cow to him - shouting at him, complaining about things he doesn't do (he's lazy and 'laid back', I'm not and am 'laid forward). Most of the time I don't feel close to him and I seek solace in close female friendships. We're so different - on our recent holiday myself and my two daughters want to play on the beach all day - he is sitting there looking totally bored and barely communicating with us - I have to say to him to perhaps play with the girls or do something with us. If I don't instigate conversation he's often very quiet. It's not all bad - we do like a few drinks and a chat - but our interests are very different. Over the last two years I've had a lot of online interaction with previous boyfriends and a few months ago my first love got in touch with me and we've been in daily contact. I've loved talking to him again and although obviously a lot of it is nostalgia, we seem to have so much more in common that I do with my husband. I look forward to talking to him everyday and we want to meet up and see each other again. I don't know if I'm using my husband's sexuality issues at the start of our relationship as an excuse for me to now 'do' something myself or if the roots of my marriage are totally broken and we've just built a marriage on something that isn't - and has never - been right. So I think there's two issues here - my husband's sexuality and my increasing desire to leave/have another relationship/escape from this one. Any advice would be very welcome. xxx