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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not good enough for his kids?!

7 replies

Applecrumble79 · 19/08/2018 22:38

Fed up of my partner downplaying our relationship in front of his kids. My partner of 2 years Seems to not want his children to see me as his partner. example:

Never inviting me out with him and his child. I brought it to his attention as he often speak about us having a future so I said it would be nice for me to be invited on some of their day trips so I could get to know the child. This slightly improved however I notice he asks me to join them when he knows I have something else on.

He has three children 6, 22 and 23 from other relationships. One of them came to stay with him for the week. He had a function at his house which I attended and he wanted me to stay the night. I agreed but then he said he would arrange for his 22 year old daughter to stay with a relative. I was very offended. I know this was not so we could have sexy time as I had a female operation which meant no sex. I got the impression that he felt uncomfortable with me staying over with his “adult child” around. He always stays at my house and is around my 15 year old child. I would have preferred him to have been honest and say he felt u comfortable rather than saying he would arrange a sitter.

Another example, we were having a phone conversation and his youngest asked multiple times who he was speaking to and he did not answer. I encouraged him to answer the child’s question and he said that she had walked off. This just reinforced my thoughts that he is not comfortable with them knowing who I am.

Im fed up of feeling like I’m not good enough to have a relationship with his kids. His youngest child aged six does not know my name after two years. It’s embarrassing. Makes me realise that the relationship is probably not what I thought. He plays boyfriend role eg knows my family, been on holiday with me and my family, supportive in so many ways but likes to keep his kids to himself. Am I being silly?!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2018 22:49

Noooo, you’re not being silly, you’re massively underreacting to him pretending you’re not in his life, while taking the benefits of fitting into your life, two years into a relationship.

I’m sure you’re lovely and no doubt his DC would like to get to know you. How confusing for them that they must know something’s going on and he’s being completely dishonest.

You don’t have a future at all if he’s not willing to be open about your relationship.

Getting to know a 6 year old and adults in their twenties will be completely different but the littlest one is going to be around for 12 plus years and you’re not being given a chance to even see if it works.

I was very serious about my now husband before I met his DC, we wanted to know it was going somewhere before we involved them. But equally, getting to know him as a father was massively important to getting to know him as a person. If he’d been a shit dad or his kids had been really annoying it wouldn’t have worked.

You need to have a proper chat about where this is going because this far in I’d be assuming it’s nowhere fast. You deserve a partner who’s proud of you and wants to share his life with you.

lifebegins50 · 19/08/2018 23:54

Definitely not over reacting. He is being very unfair as you have shared your life whereas you are an add on to his life.

Some people compartmentalise their lifes and I doubt he will change. I suspect he does not see you as serious.

How long has he been separated? Is he divorced?

Applecrumble79 · 20/08/2018 09:04

Thanks you both. I totally agree that the relationship has no longevity. He makes out we have a long term future has even spoken about selling our homes and buying one together but I made it clear we are a long way off from that as his children hardly know me. I find the situation strange to be honest. He knows how I feel but tries to convince me I’m being silly. He has been separated from his ex for two and a half years. I can’t help think that he does not want the ex to get whiff of a new woman as not to either upset her or make his child access difficult. He needs to be honest about his anxieties so I can either help him to overcome them or move on.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 20/08/2018 09:23

Oh dear, you don’t and can’t help him overcome his anxieties. This is who he is and whatever his issues are, this is how he chooses to deal with them. However, you don’t have to accept it and after two years of his deflection and bullshit, I think it really is time to move on. He’s just one of those people who talks a good talk but can’t or won’t, do the walk.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/08/2018 11:55

He knows how I feel but tries to convince me I’m being silly

Bad sign. You're his partner. He owes you his attention if something's bothering you. Minimising your perfectly sensible reactions and concerns isn't nice OP.

You're trying to save him from himself. Don't do that. He's an adult, hell he has adult children! It's not for you to prove anything to him.

AdoraBell · 20/08/2018 12:10

As pp have said, you can’t and shouldn’t be fixing his anxiety. You aren’t his therapist, it isn’t your job. Only he can deal with his issues and anxieties.

I would get rid. Don’t agree to selling your property.

timeisnotaline · 20/08/2018 16:11

Is he leading you completely on about moving in together? Would he ask you to leave when his kids come around? You can’t ignore this.

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