Ex has met the love of his life

[Frizzbeol]

I'd be so grateful for some help sorting my head out re my ex and his new girlfriend.
We split up 2 years ago but he has been coming to the house to see the kids and we have been away on holiday together during that time. Over those 2 years he has been consistently telling me that he could never be with anyone else, that he loves me. This has (i now realise) kept me obligated to him and given me that sense of still belonging to someone.

I ended it and asked him to leave the family home after an unforgivable event on top of years of crap behaviour, verbal abuse, some physical violence, selfishness - you get the idea.

He has recently told me that he has met an amazing woman that he is planning to marry - feels like he has known her for years.

I'm finding it really difficult to get my head round for some reason. We were together for 19 years. It doesnt help that she is younger, thinner, more attractive and childless with a good job - meaning they can live a good life together without any of the constraints that I have. I'm also so angry about the way he treated me - he was a total fucking arsehole frankly. Was that treatment just for me? Does she now get the best version of him and all those years of misery were somehow my fault? Any wisdom you can impart to help me process why I am feeling so crap would be so gratefully received.

Thank you all so much and again, sorry you have been through similar experiences. I think Giraffey has hit the nail on the head - only it was him that kept those ties in place, right up to the point he told me about her. Its a good thing like others have said. I can move on myself now and finally put it all behind me. We get there in the end!

I had a similar ex who I was with for 18years many moons ago!
He used to keep me dangling on a string until he found someone better!
Then one day he turned up and said he had met a woman that had changed his life!!!

He actually married her within a year. The strange thing was that I was actually relieved because I no longer had to see him or hear from him again!!
Anyway fast forward 3years after his wedding I bumped into him in town and he spent the next hour telling me how he had treated me so badly and was so sorry there wasn't a day went past that he didn't think about me.
Tbh he looked pretty damn miserable but I didn't feel anything for him anymore.
I stood there looking at him thinking what on earth did I ever see in him and most of what he said I thought what a load of bull.
I told him that his new wife would not be too happy to know that he was telling me all this, so go off and have a nice life.
I never thought I would get over him but eventually I did and now very rarely he crosses my mind.
So there is hope OP and just keep putting your own emotional wellbeing first and be as low contact as possible with the plonker!!!

I met and married a seemingly charming man in the space of a year. He had a child with his ex and referred to his ex as bitter (I didn't know of mumsnet or the scripts of abusers then unfortunately) within another year I had had his child and was experiencing all the same abuse his ex had experienced. It was a horrible slow realisation that she wasn't bitter and he was abusive, I eventually apologised to her and we compared notes and he used all the same tactics on both of us. By the time I spoke to her she really didn't care about him. You need to get on with your life (easier said than done I know) and when you least expect it his life will unravel again. Abusers don't change unless they really want to and are self aware and he doesn't sound like he is. I get it and it's tough - you are finally letting go of the hopes for the family unit you had. You didn't want him back unless he stopped being abusive, it wasn't that you were keeping him as a backup option - you just wanted the nice charming him that you met in the first place. You are free of his abuse now though, obviously there is a better plan for you. And his poor new woman is getting the horrible lesson you have already survived and escaped.

Jksu - I've blocked him I think because I just can't listen to his bullshit anymore. I haven't been able to move on because of the things he has been saying to me, including threatening violence to any man I met - keeping me exactly where he wanted me. I am pissed off about that. Best all round if we keep contact to a minimum now. He's now lovebombing someone else - best to let him get on with it.

Oh op - we split up 8 years ago and there have been at least 5 'the ones ' .

Keep on moving on. It hurts, god does it fucking hurt. But one day it doesn't anymore. You'll be ok.

Looking at it slightly differently, if he is a better person it’s because you made him one. You wouldn’t put up with his crap so he had to shape up. For the sake of the woman he’s with, it would be nice if he is a reformed character. But anyway, your work is done.

NC for this post. My ex-husband left me for another woman. He didn't tell me there was another woman, I had to figure that part out myself. Once we had split, he was terrible, bragging all over social media about how he was so much happier now and how amazing she was. It was cruel and I cut all contact with him.

After seeing his true colours, I was happy for her to have him. I knew it wouldn't last because he'd eventually get sick of her, just like he did with me. I knew he'd be happy for a while, but ultimately he is a terrible person and can't sustain a healthy monogamous relationship.

I had stopped giving it much thought over the years, but someone recently told me they had split up. I'm not surprised. It's also strange how little I care.

So let him be happy and in love. It probably won't last forever, but even if it does, you're better off without him.

It is really unlikely he has changed, threatening violence shows that.

No one is all bad which is why we struggle to move on as we hope the good will outweigh the bad.
I had a similar experience where ex had been married before with a child, it was a young marriage so I accepted that they had outgrown each other. He never slated her but equally didn't ever speak positively.
Ex was perfect at first, truly thought I had found the one. However slowly his selfish nature started to materialise, when we married and my assets were joint he ramped up his abuse.
I now believe he did similar to first wife, when power shifts in his favour his selfish behaviour appears.
I am genuinely afraid for the next victim as he is so destructive.

It will take time to heal the trauma and when you do you will be so glad you are away from him.

How is he with your dc?

I do understand to a degree what jksu is saying. Accept, move on blah blah blah.

But this is what I've been doing during all my "nice". At some point you need to exert boundaries and say fuck that.

Would you deliberately let someone into your life whom you know will bait and berate you?

Fwiw my ex did something that left me hospitalised. He promised he would never ever do it again. He did it again. That was what made me snap.

Sorry to have hijacked your thread frizz. I'd wanted to start a thread myself this weekend about this - but I was scared people would call me petty etc. So it's been reassuring to learn of others who are going through - or have come out the other side - the same thing. Solidarity in numbers right?

So many words of advice I shall read and re-read.

Well done for the blocking of him. First cut of the tie to him. Why not buy yourself a cheapie phone and send him a text with the number, for when he needs to get in contact re your child. That way the relationship becomes more business like.

Let’s face it, we all feel like this when we meet and really connect with someone new and fresh . ALL the women on here moaning about partners and ex husbands I’m sure all felt like this when they met these guys . Fast forward 5 years and so many discover the grass isn’t greener, just different grass.

going through same. partner of nearly 14 years stormed off last christmas to go to another country and started relationship with another woman. Only found out through third party. he had to come home in February due to family illness and work comittments. he moved back in with me and gradually we became a couple again. I was happy. Thought it was over with them. but looked into his messages and he was messaging her with love and sex for the whole time (7 months), telling her there was nothing between the two of us and plotting and planning for their reunion. its all blown up now, tears, family rifts etc.

she knows the truth now though. His daughter emailed her and told her. If she chooses to believe it I don't know.

its the lies and deceipt that hurt. You are not alone xx

He used to be physically violent towards you?

Jesus you have had a lucky escape.

I actually pity the woman who has taken him on now

Totally agree, but I also understand the hurt you are feeling. Poor woman...she'll soon find out what he is really like. Try and let go of the resentment. He has freed you. It will start to feel amazing! Work on your self esteem so another bastard doesn't try to wheedle himself into your life. You sound very self aware and intelligent. It will all come clear