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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm unhappy and PA

7 replies

factorforty · 19/08/2018 19:58

Just had a fairly crap holiday with DH and the kids and it was all my fault. I did have horrendous PMT (period had gone AWOL and my mood definitely lifted once it finally arrived) but TBH a lot of it is there in the background at other times, it just gets on top of me when I am pre-menstrual.

DH and the kids have different interests to me - two teenage sons and they happen to like all the things that DH likes, which is great. But means that a "treat" day for them involves sport or rollercoasters or such things and I am the miserable bastard holding the bags and wishing I was having a treat too.

None of them are selfish or uncaring. I think the problem is me. I was brought up never to put my own wishes in front of others. I find it almost impossible to tell people what I want.... maybe that's my personality and not my upbringing but I have the words in my head and I literally don't seem to be able to say them. I tell people that I don't mind or that we should do what they want and then when we're there doing the thing I feel sad because I never do the things I like.

My parents have a weird relationship where my mum never wants anything (or never admits it) and my dad constantly exhorts her to treat herself. I guess I can't stop myself subconsciously waiting for DH to start urging me to do what I want whereas he (entirely reasonably) thinks that if I want to do something, I should mention it and then we can plan for everyone's preferences.

I know it's making me difficult to live with - passive aggressive and grumpy. I feel so miserable and daydream about living on my own and doing the things that I like - but that's not what I want. I love my husband and kids.

DH wants to talk about why I was so miserable on holiday. How do I talk to him about this, and how do I learn to talk about my wants and needs like a normal person?

OP posts:
Shouldershrugger · 19/08/2018 20:11

You tell your dh exactly what you've just said now. Be truthful and don't be hard on yourself. If you want to do something, then do it. Your family will be happy to see you happy. Hope you do talk to your dh and sort things out. Or at least make a start

Dissimilitude · 19/08/2018 20:15

You’ve made a reasonable attempt to explain yourself in your post. Would it be so horrible to try to explain that to him?

People react badly when they feel judged or attacked, but as you admit yourself, this is mostly about you and your upbringing. It shouldn’t be impossible to give him some insight into how you’re feeling, so long as you frame it correctly and in a way which isn’t a euphemism for “you lot never do anything I like”.

Talk to him!

factorforty · 19/08/2018 20:28

Thank you. I don't know why I find this so very hard to talk about. I seem to freeze up - the words spin round and round in my head and I can't articulate them. I need to find a way to talk to him properly, he's certainly noticed what's going on.

OP posts:
NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 19/08/2018 20:43

You definitely need to speak up about how you feel & also stop being a martyr-if you want to do something then bloody well do it-Iife is just too short to not seek out pleasure in it.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/08/2018 22:18

Why don't you try what I do if I feel I'm not going to communicate well? I write the other person a letter. My DM does it too. Well, she taught me to do it. It's simple but it works. Just sit down opposite him and hand it over. Or get him to read it first.

Musti · 19/08/2018 23:16

I was just going to say that you should message him.

Sillybilly1234 · 19/08/2018 23:23

Show him this tread. Job done.

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