Apparently I just need to get off the sofa more!

[KateGrey]

Been with Dh 15 years. Three kids (10,7,5) youngest two have autism. The youngest severely so. I’m a full time carer and for the past year have been working 20 hours a week. Youngest hasn’t been in ft school and I’m exhausted. Youngest doesn’t talk and he has a lot of challenging behaviours. Mentally I feel I’m heading towards a burn out. My husband doesn’t get it. I jokingly said about getting a personal trainer (im overweight as I’ve been very miserable so I know I’ve eaten too much). He joked I needed to get up and move around off the sofa more. For record personal time he goes to the gym three times a week including one weekend morning. All of the kids Sen and education falls to me. My dh occasionally hoovers, does the odd bit of washing up and ironing. Apparently other people get more free time. I don’t know anyone in my situation. Youngest wakes up sometimes in the night so I’m up with him sometimes all night whilst my husband sleeps in his room. Mentally I feel burnt out. My husband does not seem to realise the load I’m carrying. Only that he works and needs to “carve out personal time”. Which is so much less than anyone else. I put my youngest to bed as he needs someone to sit with him and he prefers me so husband doesn’t want to try. I’m in there about an hour. I’m exhausted and I can’t seem to get my husband to understand that his “personal time” means I’m coping with the kids as I’m up and down the stairs as the big two aren’t great sleepers. I’m getting hacked off with the attitude and him making it out that I’m lazy.

Ltb and have 50% personal time.

He is very selfish.
You would be better splitting up and sharing the child care.
At least you would get every other weekend to recover.

Any chance the pair of you can go out (without the children) and talk it through? Where you can map out your typical day or week and show him what you're going through.

He is being utterly unreasonable.

Could your DMum have a 'crisis' which necessitates you spending a week there on short notice, and leaving him to just get on with it? I know that might be excessively unfair on DC, but then again separation wouidn't be a picnic either.

Once he's really experienced what you do, he might be more receptive to a proper discussion about sharing the household load.

This is when you twist it round on him. 'Thanks sweetie, you're completely right and I'm so glad you've recognised this. I'll be swimming/walking/going to the gym one evening a week and Sunday morning. I'll book and let you know what time you need to be home to take care of your fucking kids like a decent fucking father! '.
Ok, leave out the last bit! (If you feel like being nice.)

I tell him you’d been thinking about what he said and he’s right. Therefore you’re going to start matching his time at the gym and then smile sweetly.

Him and you children will take time to get used to the new regime but unless you carve out the time for you, you won’t get any time and he won’t know what it’s like to parent and your children won’t know that he’s a primary parent too!

When you add up all of your hours spent caring and working outside the home, I'm prepared to bet that you work more hours than your husband. You need to carve out at least as much personal time as he has.

I was going to say very much what everyone else has said. He needs to get landed with the DC while you either go to the gym, go to stay with your DParents or suddenly develop a really nasty tummy bug that means he is totally in charge for 24/48 hours.

When my DH was being a bit of an arse, saying he couldn't understand what I did all day, I just took to my bed (it's impossible to disprove a tummy bug) for two days and I never heard a peep more out of him.

You're juggling so much more than the average person with so much less support.
Tell him you'll be having three nights out a week and some time to yourself or he can move out. Put it like this, he must know what he's doing is wrong.

I am in the exact same position as you except the dcs ages. It so annoys me the attitude I get. Dh arrived home from work tonight at 7pm and I was reading dc3 story then was going to read dc2 story. Dc2 said daddy can you read my story please dh response was why has mummy not read it yet. I was like ffs it's not like I can read both at the same time. I get the attitude that dh isn't happy if both younger dcs aren't in bed when he gets home and the house sorted god help me if we have visitors when dh gets home he gets annoyed with that. It's all about dh getting time and having some down time. Doesn't seemed bothered about me.