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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do?

10 replies

TurtleAlveston · 19/08/2018 15:39

NC'd
I've been with DH since we were teenagers, about 25 years.
He has always liked to drink and has used over the counter meds as well. Codeine and sleeping aids, but in doses higher than recommended. This is during stressful times, not always.
We have 2 DCs. He is a really great Dad and in general a really great DH.
However, his DF passed away a few months ago. The doctor gave him Valium to help him cope with the loss. It was a long drawn out passing and they were very close.
He abused the Valium and spent most days around the funeral like a Zombie. The kids noticed and he really scare them. Our oldest carried him to bed several times.
We had had a long talk after that week and he promised that he would never do that again.
However, since then I have found empty bottles of gin and empty pill packets in his car boot (not snooping) and I know he is secretly drinking and abusing over the counter meds.
He had a nervous breakdown last year and CBT and is on antidepressants. It was such a tough time, but we got through it. However both of the children's school results were effected and my work suffered due to the stress.
My question is, how tough can I be on him when he is having a really Shit year and so obviously grieving but that it is effecting our life so much. His way of coping with stress is to drink and self medicate. I don't know how to get him to change and I think I'm realising he may never change.
The kids are getting older and are starting to notice these times when he just 'checks out' due to stress. This is what is making me want to change now. They come first and I always feel like I have to the responsible parent. I found him in bed last night about 9pm when we were half way through a family movie with the pill packet and half bottle of gin tucked (not too well) under his side of our bed. He was out cold and wakes up this morning like nothing g happened. I know he is deep in grief, but he has always done this. Just not so often.
Please advise, I'm feeling so low, TIA

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2018 16:09

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. I have to look at your roles in all this as well, you've seemingly been playing the usual roles of enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and adjuster (because you keep on adjusting to all the crises that happen). This is not emotionally healthy or stable is it?. You're lurching from one crisis to another. His promises to change are empty ones.

Is he really a great dad or H?. Bet your kids do not think he is a great dad at all and wonder of you why you and he are still together. Women in poor relationships often write such guff when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here. You are far too over invested and completely under qualified to help him, not that he wants your help or support in any case.

It sounds like he has long term addictions to both over the counter medication and alcohol. Alcohol as well is a depressant and if he is taking this with tablets its really bad news. He is using such things to self medicate his underlying emotional problems. He has run away from problems since you've known him and he is really out of control now. He could quite easily overdose and end up in hospital, that is not beyond the realms of possibility here.

None of you have ever been considered in all this by him, this is all about him.

You have been profoundly affected by him in terms of your work and yourself being stressed due to your H's addictions. The harm here being done to your children through seeing their dad like this (and you have really not been able to fully protect them from the realities of their father's addictions) are incalculable (its already affected their exam results and they have seen your reactions to same) and will probably stay with them for many more years and into their own adult relationships. Your own relationship with them going forward could be profoundly affected for the worse too. It may well pass that they will not want to come back home to see either of you very often when they leave home (which will be sooner rather than later too).

What you have tried to date has not worked. You are likely codependent yourself in relationships which has also cost you dearly. You cannot rescue and or save someone like your H; he has to want to address the root causes of his addictions properly and he is showing no signs of doing so. He may never do so either.

How many people in your own social circles know the full extent of his addictions; probably very few. I would start talking to his GP particularly if you and he go to the same practice and seek help too for your own self from the likes of Al-anon. This thrives on secrecy and ultimately you can only help your own self. You cannot rescue and or save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. There are no guarantees here; he could still choose to use substances to blot out everything even after losing you and everyone else around him.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Make good choices now for you and your children. Would you be prepared to seek legal advice (which you do not have to immediately act on) with a view to divorcing him, after all his addictions come first and he is in a relationship with those. You are all well down his priority list even if you are on it and you are not.

Pixikitten0123 · 19/08/2018 16:10

I had the same situation without the loss, he either admits his issues and gets help or you have to leave him. The stress on you as the functioning adult in the relationship is epic - it’s affected me in many ways. I’m so glad Mari me isn’t my problem anymore.

Pixikitten0123 · 19/08/2018 16:10

Mari?!? 😂 mine! 🤣

TurtleAlveston · 19/08/2018 16:18

Attila, this is all so true. No one IRK knows how bad this sometimes gets. I do enable and then let it build up and provoke. I think the last few months my eyes have opened and I can see him from the kids eyes.
I know that everyone says this but he really is a good dad and husband when life is on an even keel.
When it's not I completely overcompensate and try to shield them from his actions. It was easier when they were younger.
They adore him and me. We are a very close family. It just seems ever increasingly fake
I have asked him why and he doesn't know. Hope s issues are well beyond my skills to fix. I had hoped CBT would help more.

OP posts:
TurtleAlveston · 19/08/2018 16:20

Pixi, so sorry that you have gone through this too. Yes, the stress to hold everything together is immense and exhausting. But I worry that without me he will fall apart. Just after his kids I don't think it's the time to leave but it's definitely on my radar now if things don't get better soon

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2018 16:30

start talking to people like your GP practice and Al-anon. Get proper help for your own self from the likes of them because you are as caught up in his addictions as he is.

You will ultimately have to leave him because he will destroy you and your family unit from the inside out. This process is already happening in front of your eyes. What are you getting still from this relationship that is actually worth having?. You have not and cannot fully protect them from the realities of his addictions; they have seen and heard way too much in their young lives already.

I doubt if your kids adore (that bloody word again) him or you for that matter because whilst you are desperately trying to keep the sinking ship afloat you are basically moving the deckchairs around. The ship is still sinking.

What you have tried has not worked and will not work either; enabling him as you have done was for your benefit in the main and has only given you a false sense of control.

And no he is not either a good dad or H to you even when he is supposedly on an even keel; his addictions even then come first to him. Is he really ever off either OTC medication or alcohol; probably not. You are seeing the comedowns from same, is he ever really drug or alcohol free?.

He needs years of in depth therapy (not CBT, absolutely not that) and you are not either the guinea pigs nor the ones to provide this for him. He is also not at all ready to accept that he has real problems here with both drugs and alcohol; he is dragging you all down with him and he continues to do that.

RyderWhiteSwan · 19/08/2018 16:35

But I worry that without me he will fall apart

And if YOU become ill with the stress of this? What then? Will he be present and capable enough to pick up the slack? Doesn't sound like it.

TurtleAlveston · 19/08/2018 17:28

Really tough, but necessary, words to hear. Thank you all

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/08/2018 22:13

I can't agree that OP's DH would need years of in depth therapy, Attila. Sobriety through a 12 Step programme, whether AA, NA or both, works fine for many people. Deal with the addictions and the rest of it is often not very important.

TurtleAlveston · 20/08/2018 11:02

We had a long serious talk last night and has agreed to try AA.
It'll be a long process and it's only in the last few months I have realised how little I trust him and how easily he lies about how much he has had to drink or pills he has taken.
I have totally enabled this by wanting to believe.
The blinkers are truely off and I won't settle for any less than we deserve

OP posts:
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