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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just left abusive relationship

8 replies

magstorquay · 19/08/2018 12:44

My daughter has recently left her abusive, controlling and "Mr Angry' husband. They were together for almost six years, have a 2 year old son and have been married for 18 months. Her husband has never shown any genuine interest or feeling for their lovely little boy (never changed a nappy, got up in the night, has to be begged to play with him by my daughter, gets angry if he is asked to help with anything at all). They bought their first home just 3 months ago, the deposit being paid almost entirely by us and my daughter. The money is irrelevant, however, he knows that his son is my daughter's whole world. She has done all of the caring and loving nurturing, and he is using this to make her feel anxious and frightened that she will lose their son. He has controlled her almost from the day they met, she just did not realise that what he was doing was very calculated and everything came to a head a few weeks ago and he finally lost complete control when she refused to stop seeing her family (to whom she is very close), which he demanded and told her that she was banned from bringing her little boy to see his grandparents. There is far too much history to put on here, but the police advised her to leave. The main worries for her are that her husband is pretending that he is actually interested in their son and the family court will not know his history. She is wary because everything she has read says that it will look bad on her if she says anything derogatory about her husband. She has tried to make it possible for the father/son relationship to continue by meeting him on Saturdays and Sundays for family time, but all he does is shout over their heads and upset their son. Does anyone have any advice or experience of a similar situation? We are desperate for advice.

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stormymcstormface · 19/08/2018 12:47

If the police have been involved then that’s the sort of evidence that can be brought up in court - as I understand it. I’d consult a solicitor. The court doesn’t want to have to deal with spurious complaints I’m sure but that’s not the same thing as you’re describing here. I’d reccomend that your daughter consults women’s aid and asks to attend the freedom programme

You sound like a fantastically supportive family for her- keep doing that. It will mean the world to your daughter and grandchild

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 12:51

I also suspect his interest in his son will reduce over time. He will be using this as a weapon against your daughter, not because he genuinely cares about him. If he was faced with actually having to spend quality time alone with him, he would soon realise what hard work is involved and lose interest.

magstorquay · 19/08/2018 13:10

Thanks so much for the replies. I think the most upsetting thing for our daughter is the idea that he would have an opportunity to be cruel to their son if she is not around to protect him. She begged him to get help for his anger issues, but he refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with him. He was raised in a very abusive family home, where his own mother was abused and beaten by their father. He thinks it is the normal way to behave, but he is capable of putting on a front when people are around and then turns on her the moment they have left. He appears to have all the traits of a sociopath. He has two children from previous relationships, now in their twenties, which he abandoned. My daughter hoped to avoid her little son feeling abandoned by his father. I am sure you are right in saying he would soon lose interest because of the work involved, because he has never made the effort in the first place, choosing to criticise the efforts my daughter makes instead.

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stormymcstormface · 19/08/2018 13:14

Yes strongly suspect if she can take herself out of the equation he will lose interest quickly. If she has evidence for her concerns consider suggesting a supported contact centre (look at NACC website) or a third party supervising contact. Make sure she’s not involved- contact with child shouldn’t be about contact with her .

I know that’s really hard- she wants to be there to protect the child- but to enable the situation to settle down she needs to remove herself

Nicelunch25 · 19/08/2018 19:05

Could you be the go-between to facilitate contact? I found that the more I was away from my abusive ex, the clearer I could see about the abuse and how wrong it was. I was so brainwashed and it took a long time to untangle. Well done for being so supportive, it's exactly what she needs right now. Thanks

Nicelunch25 · 19/08/2018 19:06

I mean facilitate and supervise contact. I'd not be leaving child alone with this "man"

Nicelunch25 · 19/08/2018 19:06

I mean facilitate and supervise contact. I'd not be leaving child alone with this "man"

magstorquay · 20/08/2018 08:35

Everyones replies have been so helpful. It reinforces that despite him trying to convince everyone that it is 'us' and not him, he is definitely not the norm. The biggest problem will be convincing the Family Court that he has this personality disorder, as he can come across as very plausible. His whole life resolves around lying. He does not have any emotions other than anger when things do not go his way. I would be more than happy to be the go-between, but he would never accept that unfortunately. He actually hates everybody in the entire world (8 jobs in six years, because he cannot get on with the people he works with (although, he would have you think - again, that they are the problem and not him. Thank you so much for your reply. I just hope that the courts will see through his lies and manipulation, but I am finding it very hard to be optimistic.

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