Please help - dont know where to go

[Sadnesspersonified]

This is going to be long Im sorry.

I feel so sad and lost and confused at the moment. I was in a relationship for 7 years. My partner was wonderful on many levels but he also let me down very badly and kept me a secret from his family, said we would get married, we never did, used to never spend weekends with me in favour of seeing his parents and siblings. For the last few years I felt so sad and lost as he was everything to me and I don't have much family of my own.

I've tried to break it off for s few years but never really succeeded and then last year I broke it off but in reality although we live apart and the relationship was not sexual we still saw each other every day, and essentially were a Couple. We were still completely emotionally involved with each other and I relied on him a lot.

Then this summer I started seeing someone. I started to cut back on seeing my partner but I couldn't help always comparing the two. Also as much as I liked the new person who I had met first as a friend, he works very long hours and so I often didn't see him apart from once a week for a few hours in the evening. However he seems to have moved very fast and fallen for me whilst I feel like I haven't seen him enough to have built up any truly deep feelings and I'm also nervous that maybe there isn't enough there conversation wise/interests for us to have a long lasting relationship - but again I don't know for sure because I feel like I need to see him more to know this.

I tried explaining this and he got very upset and He wants to walk away. We chatted a bit more me have agreed to scale it back but I feel so anxious that I'll end up really hurting him if it doesn't work out or that Im messing him around. I'm now going away for work for 8 weeks and I feel so sad that maybe I ballsed everything up for myself. I feel like the constant contact with my ex DP hasn't helped and I worry that I didn't really process everything that happened with him and allow myself to move on before meeting this guy.

I feel so sad about the whole situation and really lost. I met up with my ex DP last night and said that I couldn't see him anymore and he couldn't be in my life. Whilst he's ok being friends it's just not something I can do.

But I suppose I don't know what to do about this current Guy and my own feelings.

It seems clear to me what you should do but I think you struggle to make the decision for yourself out of fear of hurting the other person.

You should be single for a while.

I think you're right. I feel really anxious and worried. My new person has agreed not to go so fast and I hope that maybe me going away will cool things down a bit for him.

He hasn't been sleeping very well since I told him how I felt but now we've agreed to scale it back a bit he feels a lot better. I just feel so worried about how upset he was. I don't think I realised how much he cared and having felt so upset myself by someone else before I hate seeing somebody else like that.

Anyone?

Bumping

How do YOU feel right now? How are YOU sleeping?

It seems like you're someone who puts other people's feelings before your own and whilst this is admirable, sometimes you need to be put yourself first and think about what will make you happy. If you stick with this new partner simply out of fear of hurting him if you don't then the chances are that the relationship will not work out anyway. Think about how you really feel and don't let guilt lead your decisions x

I think your work trip has come at an excellent time and Steps is right, you need to take some time to work out what you want. You would be doing both yourself and your new partner a disservice to continue if it’s for the wrong reasons. Use the time apart to figure your feelings out, things will more than likely seem much clearer with a bit of space between you.

I am in a similar position to you apart from I'm heavily involved with my new partner. If I could go back in time I would be single and work out what I really want, don't be afraid to be on your own. You've done the right thing telling your ex that you can't be friends, you can't move on if you're emotionally involved and he should respect that. Just take some time and learn to be happy on your own for awhile.

Yes you're right. I don't know how to tell my current partner now that I need some time apart. I feel really anxious about it. I told him on Friday and he got so upset and then it was me on Saturday that said let's try again but scale it back. I feel he will just get so upset and angry and rightly think I'm messing him around