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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed pls

21 replies

beachbaby18 · 19/08/2018 11:34

Looking for guidance in how to deal with this situation.
Yesterday while I was at work DH and DD had a few words, apparently she spoke badly to him. She says she did shout as she had answered him three times but he kept saying ‘what’ as if he didn’t hear her.

DH got annoyed and he was eating chicken at the time so he came up behind her and shoved him chicken coated fingers in her mouth.

DD had two teeth removed the day before ready for orthodontic work and she is a vegetarian. DD was really upset by what he had done.

I got home and she told me about it but because DH had already gone to family get together I couldn’t speak to him. I was frosty with him at the party when DD and I arrived and told him why. He said you don’t know how she speaks to me and I’m
Not discussing it here.

He left to go fishing this morning early so I’ve not seen him.

DD is upset by the way he treats her and the way he treats me (he called me ‘a piece of shit’ in front of her a few weeks ago.)

I’m really annoyed with him, I know she can be difficult with him because she doesn’t like the way he is.

Not sure how to deal with this - I know he’ll turn it around and blame her or me or both but I don’t think he should be let off the hook for doing this.

I told his DM at the party because DD was unusually quiet and her reply was ‘well he does love you but doesn’t deal very well with stress’

Would you be angry too? Am I overreacting like DMIL sort of implied?

OP posts:

category12 · 19/08/2018 11:43

I think that's pretty horrific behaviour on his part. He's supposed to be the adult and doing that to anyone, let alone a vegetarian and someone who's just had dental work, is disgusting.

How old is your dd?

Is she right about the way he treats you and her generally?

Original poster

beachbaby18 · 19/08/2018 11:47

DD is fifteen.

DH always has to look perfect and he has to have things his way, if they aren’t he reacts badly. He definitely can’t laugh at himself and makes the home a stressful place.

I’m just dreading dealing with this situation as it’ll end up being my fault as he never accepts that he does anything wrong

OP posts:

jlm2514 · 19/08/2018 11:49

I think that's disgusting what he's done, I actually can't believe what I've just read.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/08/2018 11:49

How old is your dd?

Does it really matter? He aggressively forced his fingers into her mouth. If someone did that to my child, regardless of the reason, they'd never get close to them again.

dilly123 · 19/08/2018 11:54

I'd struggle hugely to get past this & I suspect this will be one of your dd's lasting memories of her childhood obviously not in a nice way

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 12:03

Your Dh is an abusive twat. He has physically assaulted you dd. I couldn't move past this. Sounds like his mum is excusing his appalling behaviour. He needs to address his stress management. I'd be leaving and taking my daughter with me.

Jaxtellerswife · 19/08/2018 12:05

You are setting your daughter up to tolerate behaviour that is unacceptable. I'd leave today

PineappleLava · 19/08/2018 12:09

That’s a hugely disproportionate response from your husband, especially given your daughter’s dental work, vegetarianism and the fact she said she’d responded to him.

Given what else you’ve said about him not accepting he does anything wrong and making your home a stressful place, and the fact he’s now physically assaulted your daughter, why would you want to stay with him?

meadowmeow · 19/08/2018 12:09

Fucking hell. He assaulted her. I wouldn't just be angry, that would end my relationship. You are the first line of defence for your DD. Protect her from this vile abuse.

I don't think I could ever look at my DH the same.

weekendninja · 19/08/2018 12:11

I agree with the above posters. You need to act robustly with this because your DD needs to know this behaviour is not tolerated.

His bags would be packed here OP.

Belindabauer · 19/08/2018 12:11

This is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from your dh.
He has behaved like a total twat.
Would be find it acceptable for someone to ram their meat covered fingers into his mouth.
She answered him 3 times.
He could have said ' I'm sorry x, I can't hear you properly, you know I'm going deaf,' or similar.
He really needs to sort himself out as I would advice next time for your dd tonite the fucker as hard adage can.
No wonder women grow up accepting levels of abuse frontman of this is how her own father treats her.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 12:12

Bloody hell!

I'd be furious with him.

Lo82 · 19/08/2018 12:16

In my opinion this is unacceptable behaviour, regardless of how badly your DD was behaving. As adults/parents we are responsible for teaching our children what is and isnt acceplable. Is this a behaviour he would be happy for her to copy?? How would he feel if someone done it to him?
Good luck with that chat, dont let him pass the blame! We are all responsible for our own actions and reactions xx

Mouseville65 · 19/08/2018 12:18

I'm sorry I just carnt get past ramming his fingers in her mouth??!

Meat covered or not
Vegetarian or not
Dental work or not

Why the fuck would not being able to hear someone result in sticking your fingers in a child's mouth??

I would not only have all his shit packed and in the garden for his return I'd be sure to tell him if he didn't piss of quietly I'd be reporting him for abuse!

I really hope your DD is ok.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/08/2018 12:24

I’m just dreading dealing with this situation as it’ll end up being my fault as he never accepts that he does anything wrong

I think you need to think that through. Why are you dreading dealing with it exactly? I bet if asked, like every other parent, you'd say you'd fight off lions to protect your child if you had to. Yet you dread talking with your husband over his treatment of your daughter. One of our most fundamental responsibilities to our children is to protect them and yet your fear of your husband is stronger than your natural urge to protect your daughter. There's a lot more to this isn't there?

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 12:27

That is absolutely despicable behaviour. Your H is an abusive animal. You know what you need to do. Since you seem very scared of him, please get support tp end the relationship and respect your daughter.

Scaredandshattered · 19/08/2018 12:28

Poor dd, sorry but i feeel you are enabling him.

I font care how stressed he is. What excuses he has or who he blames. At the end of the day nobody treats my children that way.

Bettyboop43 · 19/08/2018 13:05

Abusive. I'm so angry on behalf of your daughter. You should be doing something about this as her mother

stillawakeat4amagain · 19/08/2018 13:24

absolutely appalling behaviour what would you do if a stranger done it to your daughter? i would be calling the police tbh then leave him

pandoraphile · 19/08/2018 13:40

Is he her father?

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 19/08/2018 13:50

As a now adult of a biological father like this, for the love of god take your kid and get away. Your actions here will be remembered by her, make sure they're the right ones. She will resent you if you don't deal with this correctly. It is very much a big deal and quite honestly I'd have read the riot act and packed his bags by now. He just assaulted your kid for goodness sake! Get her away from him, she can't feel safe around him after that.

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