Reconciliation

[SofiaJessica4]

Morning

I am now a few weeks post-separation with my husband. I posted another thread earlier on when was feeling really low.

Just wondering if anyone has been separated and successfully reconciled?

It was his choice to leave. In lots of ways I drove him away with anger and resentment. I'm kicking myself as overall he is a good man and even in unhappy times I was happy with him, but I didn't let him know it. I feel unhealthy and blame myself, although I know he has his stuff too (controlling, can be manipulative). We have been together for 6 years and married for 3.

He said to give him time. Wondering if anyone ever comes back from the brink like this? Lots of things have overwhelmed him recently, I moved job twice in a short space of time and lots of money complications to do with the move and logistics brought on by me really as it was all unncessary.

Just want him to come back to me although I can see that may well never happen.

No experience, just wishing you all the best and hoping it works out for you.

Thank you. Xxx

HI Sofia, noticed that you are blaming yourself more than him, rather than admitting your share of the blame IYSWIM. Blaming yourself may be a result of his controlling behaviour. You may find the Relate book How to Have a Good Divorce useful even if you do reconcile. I am still sharing a house with STBXH 18 months after he asked for a divorce as we can't seem to sell. Some people wonder if we will reconcile, but I think its practically impossible. Its natural to want it though, he was your partner! Best of luck my dear.

Thank you I will check out the book. I do blame myself. My whole life has blown up, he won’t cohabit with me so we’re both staying in the house on alternate days. Do you want to reconcile? God what a nightmare it all is!

Its possible. We did after a two year seperation. However it is not an easy road to take.

My advice would be dont hold out for reconciliation. Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.

Work on yourself as a person identify goals for yourself to achieve as a single woman. Then if he wants to come back think about whether it suits the person you have become in his absence.

If so, start from scratch date get to know each other and seek counselling before recommitting.

Thank you. He said to give him one to two months to clear his head. Quite difficult when we own a house together! We’re meant to be living there alternate parts of the week.

I am slowly coming to terms with it being over although to me it just seems crazy.

What made you reconnect after 2 years apart? Are you going strong now.

Being parents ment we were always in each others lives.
We both dated other people a year into the break up and came to the realisaton that the grass was not greener on the otherside at the same time and despite it all the love was still there.
Going strong? Not a straightforward answer counselling helped us realise we both have issues around communication and expectations from a partner that will always come up from time to time and it will be an ongoing process of learning to deal with it constructively.
I dont believe everyone should put themselves through that unless they are 100 certain that particular relationship is the one they need. Being alone or with someone else is a much easier choice.

Thank you. We don’t have any children so there’s nothing keeping us together except the house. It’s all just so bizarre to go from a couple to this weird limbo state within two weeks. I still don’t really understand how he can be so hurt and upset by me that he wants to end 6 years together, lose the house, lose everything, doesn’t want to be near me.

I am still reeling I guess.

How do you know when to throw in the towel and give up completely?

Oh hi again Sofia. I know how you feel though my marriage was30 years (can't believe that even as I type it). You asked a very good question...um. I wish he had never opened this can of worms, it has released all the feelings about not being loved that I have coped with. He's not my best friend any more bit I don't have a replacement. We have moved apart a lot over the last year I've had to rely on myself and have joined good things I probably wouldn't have otherwise. I don't want him any more, but I don't want another woman to have him, sometimes. It's very weird and it's not over yet.... Hope you are OK.

OP - why are you posting an identical thread a few weeks later?
You’ll get exactly the same advice and comments.
What are you really hoping for?

House ‘custody’ that you mentioned in another thread is still NOT a thing.
Your H told you he need space - and can’t stay at the same house with you and would rather drive for hours to his mom - to/from work.

This, unfortunately - is still all the same.
I know it’s hard - but clinging to hope by looking for positive examples isn’t going to change your situation or help you.

You didn’t make him do it. The way you described it in a previous threads - it’s clear that something is up with him.

So - start thinking about your life. You are still young and there is still time.
Really

Hi MMmomDD, I think unfortunately I am being a bit obsessive.

I suppose what I want to hear is, yes sit with your feelings for another month or two you’ll know when you know a/ don’t have to give up entirely now.

I can be anxious or more realistically I do have an anxiety problem and am trying desperately in my head to work out what I’m doing.

Unfortunately atm it’s complicated by the fact literally everything in my life is up in the air - I have a job offer in London and can be near friends and family, or can stay out where I am (80 miles from there). So two different directions in life I can take really.

Also on top of that I’m thinking do I want to try to buy somewhere alone if we sell our house, etc etc. I know I need to try to slow down, take things a step at a time and give myself time and space to just sit with things.

Thank you for replying and I agree - or hope - there is still time.

@ properjob thank you I am ok. Had a nice dinner with my cousin today and feeling a lot better. We were only together 6 years I can’t imagien what it must be like after three decades although I wish we had lasted that long. Glad to hear you are coping.

Reading some threads it does make me feel more normal how bizarre I am finding the whole thing xx hugs

OP - in our place - i’d take that job offer.

This all - your unhappiness and problems in your relationship started when you moved out of London....

If (and it’s a big if) you and your H have a chance for any future reconciliation - he’ll need to realise he made a mistake and that he misses you... And he’ll need to chase you.
Sitting in the house and waiting for him - won’t get you there. It’ll only push him away.

Picking yourself up and leading a full life - in other words - moving on - might give him a kick.

Take the job offer. Think rationally using the information you have today. Today you are single. You have only your wellbeing to consider. You do not need to think like one half of a couple which is what you are still doing. He isnt, otherwise he wouldnt have left so why should you?

Having said that obsessing is normal. Repeatedly looking for answers that will match the outcome you want is normal. Everyone goes through it. Give yourself a time limit to wallow in it but then you must move forward eventually,and when that time comes you will kick yourself for not taking the opportunity you have infront of you.

If you are ment to get back together you will, but what kind of reconcilliation will it be if you turn yourself in to a dormat during the process.

Take the job. Sell the house. Start over.

What Rosetinted said. You will feel better Sofia, you will. Obsess on that

Thank you : ) there are some other confusing factors which I won’t go into re job etc. But I’m trying to think of me. I’m getting over the hurt of his decision which I still can’t believe - I may have done silly things in the past and blamed him for us moving but I have never betrayed him and I don’t understand how he can just throw it all away.

In any case I do think I would eventually meet someone else.

Thank you everyone xxx