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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this emotional abuse?

11 replies

Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 11:07

I've been in an on off relationship for 6 years with current partner, no kids, I have my own home, he doesn't live with me.

He has broken up with me in the past for no particular reason, suffers with mental health and would often go on weekend binges not really getting in contact. The last time I ended the relationship as it had been a 5 day bender without any contact, his mother even contacted the police. Anyway, I ended it, he crawled back explaining his behavior, he had not taken meds, lost a job and was struggling. Agreed to give it another go even though he said that during that time he had cheated on me. I struggled with this but accepted it on the basis of his mental health and having a bit of a breakdown. during our break he had booked a month long trip away as he was depressed Im not one to prevent someone doing something so that brings me to where I currently am - he has gone away it's been a week. He was constantly speaking to me first few days but now he has lost his phone and hasn't been in contact fort 4 days (rung his mother to tell her as he doesn't know my mobile number). I've heard nothing.
I clearly have a lot of trust issues and think the worst, am I being unreasonable cos he's lost his phone or is he doing this as a form of emotional abuse???

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Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 11:49

Oh another thing, he promised that he would just check in every day and how I needed that due to my insecurities

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/08/2018 12:12

On again-off again dynamic would be emotional abuse, imho. You can not count on him (to be there, or to even have a connection with you) so the resulting limbo is aggravating frustration.

Why are you putting up with this? What is the saying? Don’t make someone a priority when, to them, you are just an option. His primary relationship seems to be his binge addiction/s.

Oh, and you’d better get an STI check.

You can do better. This isn’t down to your trust issues. This is his track record of unreasonable behavior. You don’t have to break up with him because he lost his phone...break up with him because you should have done so long ago.

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 12:12

What are you getting out of this excuse for a relationship? Dump him.

Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 12:19

Somehow he always says the right things, we got back on the basis he was going to try and address his issues, he went to the Dr and started counselling up until he left. Things have been good up until this and spoke on the phone the night he lost his phone arranging for me to meet up with him at the end of his trip which was booked (luckily had time to cancel) but you're right, I think I'm definitely just an option. Hate myself for even considering giving it another go again, I consider myself strong willed in other aspects of my life but when it comes to this, all my strength goes.

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Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 12:23

Somehow he always says the right things, we got back on the basis he was going to try and address his issues, he went to the Dr and started counselling up until he left. Things have been good up until this and spoke on the phone the night he lost his phone arranging for me to meet up with him at the end of his trip which was booked (luckily had time to cancel) but you're right, I think I'm definitely just an option. Hate myself for even considering giving it another go again, I consider myself strong willed in other aspects of my life but when it comes to this, all my strength goes. Its just very confusing behaviour, all over me one moment and then totally ignoring me the next. (sorry think I posted twice)

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Lo82 · 19/08/2018 12:28

As someone who suffers from depression, if i am really struggling the first person and often the only person i want to go to is my DH. I know everyone is different but i just worry it sounds like he is using the depression to excuse his bad behaviour! For a 6yr relationship i couldnt imagine being happy with my DH going away for a month without me, defo wouldnt be happy x

Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 12:36

I had my reservations which he was aware of, but I did think him going away was a good idea in terms of his mental health and having some responsibility. But looks like he's just doing the same thing away as he would do at home. Doesn't take a lot of effort to log online and check in 🙁

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PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 12:44

Well you have a choice: you can either continue to be treated like shit and stay with him, or you can end it with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 12:55

In an ideal world I would. I did last time and tried my hardest to move on, but I have no interest in anyone else and he says the same. Everyone says they can see that he adores me but when he has his moments his behaviour is extreme and confusing.

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PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 12:56

Well then you can't really complain can you?

Confused1111 · 19/08/2018 13:31

I don't even know tbh. I'm just struggling to gauge his motives

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