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Relationships

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Original poster

New relationship, am I being awkward?

24 replies

Icelolli · 19/08/2018 10:55

I've been seeing a man for two months who works away Mon to Thurs and has his two teenage daughters staying Fri and sat night. I am a single mum with a young daughter and a 14 year old son. We haven't met each others children.

I'm finding it difficult because he always wants to see me when his daughters aren't there which usually means Sunday day or evening, I always pay for a sitter. When it isn't possible to find a sitter at that time, he doesnt offer to see me at a different time as he has his kids. He also gets a little sulky if I'm not able to fit in with his plans which I find annoying.

Is this how it is dating men with kids? I'm not sure if it's a temporary blip while a relationship becomes more established or if he will always expect me to fit in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Icelolli · 19/08/2018 11:10

I don't want to be awkward but surely there needs to be some compromise.

OP posts:

Musti · 19/08/2018 11:10

I'm not sure how he can have any relationship on that basis.

A friend couldn't start a relationship with a man she clicked with because they had their children at opposing weekends.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 11:11

Doesn't sound very even and equal lass.

Sirzy · 19/08/2018 11:15

He is right to put his time with his kids first, if you only had yours for 48 hours a week wouldn’t you want to make the most of the time?

If you can’t make when he suggests though then he shouldn’t sulk, it’s just one of those things!

My partner works away all week so that is always bound to impact on the amount of time it’s possinle to spend together.

It could well be though the commitments you both have outside the relationship mean long term it won’t work - depends how much it means to you both to find a way to make it work

PlatypusPie · 19/08/2018 11:21

He really isn’t in a position at this point in his life to have a relationship if what that means is slotting someone inflexibly into part of a weekend day only. Presumably Sunday is an important family day for you and your DCs and that would be the case with many potential partners. He’s looking for a unicorn, frankly, and the sulkiness at expecting you to contort your life is not a good sign. He should wait until either he has a different work situation or his teenagers are a little older and want to be out with their friends on a Friday or Saturday evenings.

VelvetSpoon · 19/08/2018 11:22

It's understandable he wants to spend time with his DC if that's the only time he sees them. I'm not sure what compromise he can make that doesn't leave him being a bad parent...I've seen lots of posts before where the nrp was vilified for going on a date on contact time with DC...

Do your DC not see their dad? Are there no family members you can leave your younger child with? Presumably you don't need a sitter for a 14yo...can he not look after his sister for an afternoon?

If you have no one to leave your younger child with then surely you're always going to have this issue of paying for childcare, whether on a Sunday or another day?

Original poster

Icelolli · 19/08/2018 11:26

My son does sometimes babysit, my late partner was killed in a motorbike accident when I was pregnant with our three year old. That means my kids are always with me. It isn't the paying for childcare that annoys me, more that he won't make any arrangements when he has his kids who are late teens and old enough to please themselves on a Fri or Sat night.

OP posts:

Original poster

Icelolli · 19/08/2018 11:28

I do ask family to babysit but obviously I can't so that on a weekly basis, especially on a Sunday which is a family day off work for most people.

OP posts:

secre · 19/08/2018 11:28

He sounds too busy for a relationship tbh.

Sorry to ask but are you 100% sure he works away mon-thur and has his kids fri-sat? It could be possible that he is not telling you the truth about this.

FoookinHell · 19/08/2018 11:29

You’re two months in and You’re already feeling like this.

He’s putting his children first, which is right but then he’s being quite childish if you can’t make it, it’s all on his terms.

This will be your life if you stay with him, every Sunday as that’s his only free day, is that what you want?

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 19/08/2018 11:46

Hmmm are you sure he’s single?

FinallyHere · 19/08/2018 13:59

He also gets a little sulky if I'm not able to fit in with his plans which I find annoying.

Why would you put up with sulks, two months in to a new relationship? With someone who is only pleasant to be around if everything works to suit him? How is this a relationship that appeals to you?

Get rid and find a better one, before you get more enmeshed in his life.

Gardai · 19/08/2018 14:03

I didn’t want to be the first to say it - are you quite sure he’s single ?
So you’ve met a guy who only has Sunday availability-doesn’t sound promising OP and the kids are teens.
Time to move on, he sounds a bit weird/married.

SparklyMagpie · 19/08/2018 14:11

Nah I'd be out

RabbitsAreTasty · 19/08/2018 14:38

Never date a sulker.

Original poster

Icelolli · 19/08/2018 14:49

He is single, but a total workaholic in the week. Obviously if the kids were involved it would be easier but I don't know how we get to that point without a bit of flexibility from him. I feel as if I'm constantly fitting on with his life.

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 19/08/2018 15:16

He is being very clear about what he can offer - he sees his kids two nights a week and he is not prepared to miss out on that to see you.

(Personally, if I was his daughter and my dad regularly arranged dates on his nights with me and left me with a sitter , I would be miffed. And if I was his ex, I might think "can't you have your dates on one of the five nights a week you DON'T see your kids?")

So your choices are :

See him in a way that works around both of your childcare commitments (so not Friday and Saturday)
Split up with him.

It doesn't really matter whether you think it's fair - this is the way it is. Maybe you guys aren't a good match.

LizzieSiddal · 19/08/2018 15:19

That’s because you are constantly fitting in with his life.

Basically he’s busy Mon- Thurs, then sees his dc so only has a Sunday afternoon left. It sounds like he won’t be flexible, ever.

I wouldn’t want to start a relationship like that.

0ccamsRazor · 19/08/2018 15:19

I would not date a person that sulks, far too manipulative for me.

TooOldForThis67 · 20/08/2018 10:12

It's not a proper relationship if you are only seeing him at most, one day/night a week. How can the relationship evolve? Maybe he is just being cautious at the early stages. Would you be prepared to introduce him to your kids, just as a 'friend' maybe? Or wait until the kids are in bed and have him over? There has to be some flexibility on both sides if it's going to work.

Branleuse · 20/08/2018 10:14

He doesnt really have a lot to offer a relationship does he

user1486956786 · 20/08/2018 13:07

Do you see him during the week?

You are only 2 months in and he only has his kids for two nights a week. I think it's a good sign he doesn't want to interrupt that time with them . I'm sure in the future you'll be included in the Friday and Saturday nights.

user1486956786 · 20/08/2018 13:08

Ignore question during the week , just re read that he works.

Hopoindown31 · 23/08/2018 12:02

It has been two months. Are you really expecting him to start reducing the time he spends with his children after such a short time so he can spend more time with you? Is a man who would do that be a good future role model for your ds?

He is clear what he can do and after such a short time expecting to be prioritised above work and children is being a bit unfair.

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