I've had enough

[Diamondlight]

I've recently had a baby and in the beginning my partner was great, changed nappies, helped out and so on. We are over two month in now and I'm sat downstairs crying, which is becoming a regular thing, because I feel like I look after everyone yet no one looks after me. I do everything for my baby and that's fine, I want to do it, I love them more than anything. My partner on the other hand thinks he's done his part by having him sleep on his chest in the evening. He's never even bathed the baby.

I clean the house, make the dinner, do the dishes, clean the garden, clean every aspect of the house. Do the washing. Basically anything related to daily living I do... he doesn't even make us own packed lunch or iron his own work shirt.

This morning he said he will get up with our little one because it's only fair, honestly I went to bed excited, even did the washing up at 3am while I was making the bottle thinking I'm getting a lie in..... yet the morning comes, the baby wants a feed clearly, I would usually get up at this point so he can have a lay in however he moves the baby into our bed and just keeps putting the dummy in, so here I am he's still in bed I'm down stairs.

I'm fed up. I want to run away.

Stop.ironing his shirts and making his lunch as a starter for ten

Do the basics and fuck all for him

Don’t blame you. can you feed dc and take her up to him, then disappear for a nice day alone somewhere?

Agree - stop cooking, ironing or making lunches.

Did him down and tell him everything that you do. Then set up a for a and split the chores fairly. Make sure he owns his allocated tasks.

That's crazy. How did you end up doing personal care for another adult? Has he done his own lunch and shirts in the past?

Stop doing all personal tasks for him, immediately. You have an actual baby to care for.

I know I don't help myself I regularly think what a walk over I am and how if it was my friend telling me this I'd be like 'what the fuck are you doing?!'

I tried to talk about it with him this morning and he's lost the plot. It's just backs me into a corner of not being able to express how I'm feeling. Everything your all going to say I'm going to probably agree with... I think I just really needed to vent it out because it's been bottled up for months now

@MorrisZapp I've always done it for him, when on maternity it was fine because I was kind of bored, but the baby's here now and it's just a lot to do, in fact I don't think I would mind so much if I felt like someone wanted to do something for me, I think it's what is the boiling point. I just wish someone wanted to do something for me. I told him when he woke up you offer to do things and then you don't do them and all it shows is really what little care you have for me. I shouldn't have to wake him up and remind him he said I could have a lay in.

I tried to talk about it with him this morning and he's lost the plot

He doesn't respect you as a partner. You have been put firmly into mummy only status.

@RyderWhiteSwan you're completely right, I think it's taken me a long time to see it.

This happened to me with my first child, the chat with my DH didnt go too well either as i was so tired & a bit of a hormonal storm! Also didny helf that i was breast feeding! However a few weeks later my OH had started trying to do little bits to help, i had expressed milk stored and he started doing morning feed b4 he went to work to give me a lie in. Then he surprised me with a dinner out.
I guess what im.trying to say is 1- try to have a reasoned & rational chat and 2- try giving him time to make the changes without any prompting. If he cant the id prob have to agree with what the other posters are saying.
Good luck xxx

Thanks @Lo82 I was probably a little bit to emotional when I approached him, which in turn put his back up. We are apart for the day so I hope he thinks about what I said. It's hard because I love him so much, I know he loves me. And he loves out DC to death. I just don't think he realises how low I'm feeling and how I need him to be part of the team rather than the manager! Your message has given me hope though, thank you xxxxx

I'm sorry to hear this, as OPs have said - stop doing his lunches or ironing and stop doing anything else for the selfish man. I do nothing for my H as he is lazy and does nothing for me. Many times he has promised me a lay in on special dates like my birthday - then he's not bothered to get up unless i wake him first and then it takes him an age and a day to get up to sort the children so there really is no point.
I hope you managed to sort things out x

💗💗💗 sometimes men are just stupid 😂

Mine does his own washing and ironing. He's very fussy and I don't do it to his standards. That's fine. Plus he takes over kitchen duties on a Saturday.

When my kids were little I had v much the same thing and was at my wits end, completely overwhelmed. So I wrote OH a letter expressing how I felt and writing down what I did from the smallest tasks through to the daily drudge of housework, cleaning etc. Bit of a wake-up call for us both actually and took time but we got there.

Agree with other posters, just stop managing another adult persons life. Look after you and your baby first, fuck the housework and get OH to buck up.

Biggest thing is to make sure that you're not constantly 'asking' your partners to do stuff - he just has to do it - it's his role as a new dad to look after you and grow up.

Totally pisses me off that blokes just think that because we become mothers of a baby that's their cue to make us their mothers too. No way.

You know what's made me feel
Better about posting this, is that other women have come forward and told me they have dealt with the same
Situation! Men are shit! Your all right with what your saying, I just need to be stronger instead of worrying about rocking the boat.

Thank you all ❤️❤️❤️

Also just bear in mind theyre often just shit beacause they just dont think. Getting away with friends of family for a wkend would be good too! Give u a break and let OH know just how much u do xx

Firstly, only do what’s important to you. My midwife prepared me for the change to our lives by saying to prioritise the kitchen and living room and leave the rest if needed.

Secondly, tell your partner that whilst you know what’s involved in working full time because you’ve done it, he clearly has no clue as to the work you now do. Therefore to help him understand, he will take a week off work and he can do everything you do except actually feed the baby and you’ll hand her straight back when she’s finished. You can write a list each day and keep out of the way the rest of the time so he gets no help. Given he thinks there’s not much to what you do, his week off will be some nice relaxing time for him to bond with his baby and to wind down.

I’m lucky, my dh decided to take 2 weeks off after the birth and did exactly that because he wanted to, rather than being told to. He knew exactly what was involved, apart from the cooking, shopping and washing up, because I’d batch cooked a couple of months of meals that then just needed throwing in the oven. The freezer liked like a takeaway!

We haven't spoken about it since he got home, however this morning he got up with the baby so I could have a lay in... and he's just asked me where his work shirts are to iron them! So it must have sunk in... we obviously need to talk about what happened but it's just approaching it. Urghhhh

It’s an encouraging sign that he’s taken on board what you have said. Make sure he keeps it up.
Is he planning to take any parental leave? My DH took a month at the end of my mat leave and it gave him a real appreciation of what was involved in parenting and it means I’m much less ‘default parent’ a year on.
This time round I wanted to take 9 months and have him take 3 but he’s not up for more than 2 - think he’s realised that it’s really hard work and it impacts your career, just like it does for women...!

Simple thing I had to learn is that none of us are mind readers. Unless you explain what you're feeling and why, he has no chance of knowing why you're so upset.

Not saying you're wrong to be upset, but he probably just hasn't thought about how your life has changed - because his hasn't, iyswim. If he's ironing his own shirts it sounds as if the first inklings are seeping through.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy your right about mind reading, I think I gave him a shock with my emotional breakdown and he just had no idea.

he's thanked me for everything like his dinner last night, or his packed lunch and so on... It almost makes me feel bad for losing my shit! Lol

His shirt he ironed this morning looked terrible I had to laugh when he couldn't get the ironing board down either! Made me love him that little bit more though.

@DrWhy he only had a week off because he had just started a new job and didn't qualify. So he was here when our little one was fresh from the womb.. and the baby was so easy then! Lol we were lucky, DC slept all night then, was chilled as hell and was content. I'm going away in a few months for a few days with a friend... I do wonder how he will cope now ( thankfully my parents are walking distance and so are his! Lol)