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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing a friend in need

16 replies

Whowhatwherenow · 19/08/2018 09:57

I’m trying to work out if I’m being high maintenance or not so am interested in views.

I’ve been having a rough time lately with relationship stuff and was talking to a friend on messenger about it, but as I don’t love messanger as a way to chat and am still sorting out things in my mind I said ‘I’m struggling to articulate myself here but would love to catch up in person to talk it through properly’

Friend doesn’t reply but later says it’ll be hard to catch up irl for the next two weeks but I’m welcome to talk to her on messenger whenever I need to.

I feel put out because I know she’s not that busy as a rule, I’ve very rarely put it in such blatant terms that I’d rather catch up irl and I really would love to talk about it all in person. I usually see friend every week or so and talk about her problems as much as mine usually so it doesn’t feel one sided.

Do tell me if I’m being high maintenance though ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Whowhatwherenow · 19/08/2018 10:01

To add also - she doesn’t really do phone calls or else I’d suggest this

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2018 10:04

Not high maintenance as such, but tbh I wouldn't be jumping at the opportunity to be your sounding board if you put it like that to me. Catching up for cake and coffee and to chat about both our lives, sure.

Original poster
Whowhatwherenow · 19/08/2018 10:11

Fair play and that makes sense category

OP posts:
Musti · 19/08/2018 10:11

If she's really busy for the next 2 week's can you arrange to meet up in 3 weeks?

Namechanger1404 · 19/08/2018 10:13

Hi OP, I don’t think you’re being high maintenance here, it just might be that an hour ‘chatting’ on messenger would equate to a whole evening IRL? She may not have that capability as she said at the moment?

I find that if I cannot articulate on text, I send a voice message, that gives me the ability to express myself fully but not actually chatting! It works for me and my friend, less pressure to be texting and can really listen and take it in before replying. Might be an optionSmile

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 10:14

She's not that busy though is she? If she has time to chat on messenger, she'd have time to chat irl, even if that meant you had to go to her place.

Original poster
Whowhatwherenow · 19/08/2018 10:16

That’s an interesting idea about the voicemail.

I think I just like irl things so much more than chatting online

OP posts:
LiveatCityHall · 19/08/2018 10:18

I don't think you're being high maintenance at all and I'm struggling to understand why she wouldn't want to be there for you at a tough time? I have just a few very close friends I've known for a long time but I would be going out of my way to make time for them if they needed it.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/08/2018 10:23

The devil is probably in the detail. I'm a good listener but there are limits. Once one realises a friend with problems is never going to try and resolve those problems it can get very wearing listening to them ad nauseum. And be honest, your proposal for a meeting comes across as rather selfish. You're not wanting to meet up for any reason other than to tell her all about your problems, at least that's how it comes across.

Jupiter9 · 19/08/2018 10:28

I completely understand where you are coming from, much prefer to talk than text. 🍷

category12 · 19/08/2018 10:43

if she has time to chat on messenger, she'd have time to chat irl,

Not so, I can easily spare an hour (or evening Grin) to chat online cos I'll do it while cooking or cleaning or watching TV or gaming or catching up on paperwork.

Meeting up in real life is a much bigger time commitment. If I'm hosting, it's rude to do other things at the same time. Personally I am short of time and energy and presented with the meet-up the way op put it, I'd have swerved it too. In a crisis, I'd be there, but to thrash out something at length with no fun side, I'd be ducking it. Sorry.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 10:46

Given what you've written here I don't think you're high maintenance.

I hope the issues can be resolved.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 23:03

" If I'm hosting, it's rude to do other things at the same time."

Rubbish. If a good friend comes over, you're not 'hosting'. I had a friend over tonight and did my ironing - I had explained before that I would be doing that.

category12 · 19/08/2018 23:15

Personally I'd feel really uncomfortable if a friend was doing their housework at me - I'd feel like I'd have to offer to help. And I don't wanna. Grin

pinkdelight · 19/08/2018 23:29

Just arrange to meet her after two weeks. You may not think she's busy as a rule but she's told you she is for a particular period. You're not high maintenance but she's not put you off indefinitely, just said she'll be there for you online until she can meet up. Unless you urgently need to talk to her, that seems okay to me.

Original poster
Whowhatwherenow · 20/08/2018 06:24

Thanks everyone am glad I started the thread - was good perspective when I was feeling over emotional so thanks!

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