Is this too soon? Help!

[Thiswontendwell]

I really need some advice and any angle on this is welcome!

I was widowed really suddenly two and half years ago. He was my soulmate and I really thought we were there for the long haul, till death do us part except we didn't realise how soon that would be. We had been together a few years and it all seemed perfect. We had both been in relationships before (with kids - and mine loved him and his loved me - if I wasn't sure before he died I am now as they have told me!) but this was it.....
And then he died - very suddenly....no warning.

It has taken me quite a while to even walk in a straight line and I miss him every day. We are a very close family and I have been supported by them (I am very close to me SIL) and my friends.

I have a really REALLY busy job - and I know that I have (after having a short amount of time off because I couldn't function/think) recently taken on too much in a way - but it keeps me busy and fulfilled.

My kids are very independent and, although I have lots of friends and a busy life, I am lonely. I am truly and utterly lonely for my partner but I know that, somewhere, I feel I want to have another chance at a partnership with someone who is meaningful for me. I don't need a partner but I would like to try....

But I feel so torn. Not guilty as such but just odd feeling and like I am letting everyone who loves my late partner down....and that I am too

This evening I looked at and then signed up to on OLD site! (I think I was really feeling vulnerable tonight) Its one you pay for, its one that I know friends have found good and its very very mainstream and 'respectable'….

And I feel weird!!!
What am I doing!?!

Please tell me?!

And there isn't anyone I am remotely attracted to who is in my area etc - apart from one....

So.…

Do I stop this? (I am aware that eventually I may met someone IRL so what on earth am I doing going on line?)
Do I just keep browsing just in case?
Do I message this one bloke? (Although I might just be succumbing to newly signed up excitement?)

Do I just stop it now? I love my DP - I always will and I don't know if I am ready.

Fundamentally I just want to know: how do you know if you are ready? Maybe I never will be....

Message him. Branch out.

I lost my fiancé and it took me five years to really branch out and try the online dating thing. I met someone and fell in love and always felt slightly guilty about loving someone after DP. But it doesn’t diminish your love for your late partner and they would likely not have wished you to be alone forever. It’s like having more than one kid. You can love them the same amount but differently. It’s worth seeing if there’s anyone out there for you.

I can't answer the question about whether you're ready or not, but I do definitely think that your family and friends will be supportive of the fact that you are thinking of a new relationship. Two and a half years is a 'respectable' time to wait and his children wouldn't want you to be lonely forever.

Do you feel resilient enough for OLD though? It can be brutal. If you feel that you could cope if this guy ignores you, rejects you, disappoints you or ends up being a dick then I would just bite the bullet and go for it. If you change your mind, or get cold feet at any time, you stop.

Firstly Thiswontendwell I just want to send some hugs.
I was widowed Mar 2017 and while I haven't walked in your shoes I can relate to a lot of your words.

I knew from before my DH died (he had cancer) that I would want to meet someone else to share my life with, and I had online dating profiles from quite soon after he died although it was more of a browsing thing - I had no information about myself on there.

Early this I changed that, filled in some details and pictures and started making efforts to message men, although there were very few I was interested in and equally very few messaged me more than "Hi there".
I thought I was ready to date occasionally and hadn't thought further than than really although I knew that ultimately I want a long term relationship.

In May I was chatted with someone, who in distance terms was totally unsuitable for my requirements and slightly older than my age range - both of which I'd told him.om reply to his first message but for some reason we kept messaging. After a week or so he asked if he was too far away (it's an hour between us) or would I like to meet up, I wasn't going to bother but though it would be a good first meet to get that hurdle over with and I could then go onto others. Yeah, life doesn't work out like you plan does it. I really liked him, the feeling was mutual and we are now in a relationship.

How do you know you are ready? Will you ever be?
I think I was ready to casually date (meet for drinks, maybe a meal, nothing more). I don't think I was in any way ready to MEET SOMEONE and my emotions have been all over the place over the last few months.

I feel like the last couple of years since his diagnosis and then more so since his dying and death, I've been in hibernation.
Mearly existing and just getting through each day. I finished work 6 weeks before he died and went back 6 weeks afterwards, and that was a bit of a lifeline as it meant I had to function, although I was probably a waste of space for a few months.
Since the early spring, before this new relationship, various things made me feel like I was coming out of that hibernation, that I wanted to live again and not just exist.

No one else can say if you are ready, you probably won't be able to say that you are ready, and at the end of the day everyone is different and deals with their loss and the aftermath differently.

People say that OLD is a minefield and you have to be tough and resilient to deal with it, so I would have that in mind if you do go down that route. If it feels too much just step away for a while.

Have you joined any widow groups online? You might find it helpful to read about others experiences in this area.

I'm happy to chat about this if it helps, I'm no expert at all, I just have my own story of love and loss to deal with.

Best of luck with everything whatever you decide x

Thanks to you all!

I do feel exceptionally odd - its not really guilt but just being very unsure whether this is the right thing to do. So maybe that telling me something?

And I don't know why I am worried/wondering about another relationship when I am soooo busy and also have wonderful friends and family who I can spend time with. I don't need someone to 'complete' me.

And I was so happy with DP that I wonder if all I am trying to do is find that specific happiness again - which will never happen - rather than find some happiness with another person.

I have looked at online groups for widows and obsessively read blogs etc. What is reassuring is to see that there isn't a particular way of doing this...

And I do take your warnings about OLD - I have it in my head that I wouldn't get too caught up in it. My self esteem isn't too bad oddly - well I have a slight worry that, at my age, no-one would ever want me but, at the same time, DP loved me and made me feel like I was the centre of the universe and he was quite a catch so anyone who ignored or rejected me would just be cast into the category called 'not a patch on DP'!

Thanks again for giving me your thoughts!

Resuscitation of an old thread
It's easier...
But this time I'm looking for genuine support or reality check!!!

Three and a half years widowed
Not interested in anyone - he was my soulmate and my rock
Thrown myself into work - crazily
Just now - old OLD friend (like he was the boy next door not on line...) and I have contacted each other. He wanted some advice in relation to my professional life and I have tried to help
But - in all this and in the spirit of friendship - I said that he and his girlfriend should come and have a meal
But he has now told me just he has just split up from his GF
But he still wants to come over
And I have texted and he has but I'm keen...I have texted quicker than him.
He is a lovely genuine soul who was so kind to my parents in their last days (he was still the boy next door - think farming distance tho...)
I don't know what I am doing in my texts!!!! Too much????
Too soon???
Too quick???
And I don't know what I am doing....in general.

Help...
Still feel like anything g is betrayal
Shit!!!

I don't know if I'm ready
He may not be seeing this as anything anyway
Help!!!

Noooooo not too soon. Go for it! You deserve it. Let us know what happens!

He contacted you about work related issues. He's happy to come for a meal....possibly to further chat about work related things.
Has he suggested that there's more to this meal than just work?