Ex not making little effort to see baby son - WWYD?

[Mum1g2b]

Long story short.....

Ex left me and our family (my 2 Kids and our baby) about 3 wks ago. Since then he has not asked about his baby and has seen him twice for a few hours each time.

When he has contacted to arrange to see him it’s always last minute eg, the night before, couple of days before at best. Twice I have accommodated this but this weekend I had to explain I had plans at the time he asked for. I suggested a different time but he said he was working. I’ve since found out and he’s admitted he wasn’t working but playing football.

I’ve asked him to prioritise his son and put a plan in place as to when he wants to/can see him so we can both work to it. That was 2 days ago and I’ve had nothing and he has nothing in place as to when he’s seeing him next.

I want him to see our baby but am I expecting too much? I would think he’d want to see his baby at least a few times a week even if for only a few hours. There is nothing stopping this in terms of work etc. We have agreed no overnight stays just now as he would get stressed with our baby and never didn’t overnight feeds etc.

Would you continue to insist/encourage him to see his baby or accept you’ve said your piece and leave it up to him now?

Thanks

He's a grown man, it's not your job to manage his behaviour. He's a shit head but that's not your fault. If he doesn't want to see his son, don't 'make' him. Your son deserves people who adore him, not an idiot father who choose to dip in and out.

Sounds like he’s showing strong signs of being one of those selfish, hopeless parents that loses interest in their child after a separation. I’d probably prefer to let an ex slide out of our lives while our child is a baby than have years of promises broken and constant disappointments for me child down the track when they’re old enough to internalise the rejection.

I’d have a go at setting up a regular access, five him the chance to show he will make an effort. If he messes up, then I’d move on from pushing the relationship.

sadly ime some men lose interest in seeing their kids once the relationship is done. My ex hasnt seen our kids since decemeber. Dont keep trying, you cant force him.

Leave it totally up to him. If he can't be bothered to form a relationship then he will be the one who is rewarded with a crap relationship with them later.

You will mentally exhaust yourself by trying to chase him and IME he will enjoy the power game. So leave it up to him. Unfortunately he will likely not try very hard but it's his loss. DC don't benefit from an uninterested father anyway.

What the baby's never had, he won't miss. That's what my ads says (the same thing happened to him.). The dickhead ex regretted it in later years when it was too late.

Don't do all the wifework for your ex!!!

You've told him you want a set arrangement, back off and leave him to sort it out - you are not his mother!

You can't 'insist' he sees the child. Suggest suitable visit times and days, and leave it to him. If he doesn't take it up, that's his problem. Don't drop everything for him to see the baby on the fly if it's not convenient.

All you’re required to do legally is make your child available for contact, not at his whim, but regularly.

Set up a schedule, but you can’t force him to stick to it.

Update.....

So since posting, ex arranged to see our baby today which was good however when he brought him home his nappy was so full it had leaked and his bib had soaked through to his hoodie and tshirt. When I pointed this out to him. He said he’d forgotten to change his bib and the nappy was fine when he checked it. It hadn’t been changed in over 3 hours. His view was he was focussed on having fun with his child.

This is his 3rd visit since we split and I previously had to raise with him that he hadn’t fed our son.

I’m concerned regarding his lack of concern to the basics when he has our child. He wasn’t interested in doing any of this when we were together. He would get stressed with our baby too.

Do I have any rights around the welfare of our child? Or do I just have to accept this? I’m considering speaking to a solicitor but wondered if anyone on here had any experience or advice around options?

Thanks

This brain dead waste of air doesn't even care enough to feed his own baby when needed or change his dirty nappy regularly. I would insist on supervised contact in my home with me present. What a useless twat.

Give him one more chance. Pur it in writing in a text to him...that after last time with full leaking nappy and soaked bib, he must check and change DS. Did he feed him this time?

If it happens again... supervised access as mentioned above isn't great for you ...as it means him under your feet at your house. You could give it a try...but I think a proper seperation is better.

If he's neglectful I wouldn't let him take DS again till he proved himself.

Okay thanks for that. I wanted to avoid supervised if possible and he says he won’t agree to it. I wondered if there were in between options which would still give me the reassurance he’s responding to our baby’s needs. I think he needs some form of parenting class but didn’t know if there was such a thing.

@SandyY2K this time he had him 2-5 and did give him some of his bottle yes.

Honestly, if he’s not feeding or changing your baby he shouldn’t have unsupervised visits. That’s the basics and he can’t even do that?

A lot of NRPs rabbit on about their parental rights, without recognising that it’s parental rights and responsibilities. He’s not fulfilling his responsibilities to your child, he’s not even being a halfway decent babysitter let alone a dad.