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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave or am I overreacting?

21 replies

SadMami · 18/08/2018 22:55

Does any of your partner call you a whore when angry?? I am a mother of three one with my current partner or other two from my previous marriage. Lately, I have been feeling really depressed about a lot of things around me, especially with the way my partner treats me. Yesterday's fight got me really thinking if I'm making the right decision to stay. One of my ex boyfriend, from 10 years ago, sent me a dancing video (bear in mind this is the first time he sends anything in over three years), and I replied "cool" and left it at that. I didn't delete the message, why would I, I wasn't trying to hide anything. He went through my phone and got mad accusing me of cheating loudly in front of the kids, calling me a whore. I am tired of putting up a fight, I feel like he killed any fight I had in me. But even when I don't fight, he just keeps going on and on and on and would physically challenge me to get a reaction out of me. When he fights with me, he will bring the two kids in the conversation one way or another " You opened your legs pretty good to have them" ( I was married!) I thought this would stop once he realises that I am not leaving and I wasn't cheating on him, thinking it was insecurity and love can fix it. But it doesn't. Two odd years ago, he called me a whore and started verbally abusing at 7 months pregnant, in front of all my family and friends (he would never do it in front of his). All that because he thought he saw me sneaking out with someone in the dark when camping,... that was my dad. Since then, I've always tried to "fix" things. Once he is calm, he always promises to get better , " I will quit drinking", "I will stop calling you that" , "I will, I will I will.." Truth is, I hear "I will" at least once a week and I can't do this anymore but he stops me from leaving by blocking the door, taking the phone off me or taking my keys off me. But by the time he calms down, and apologises, I don't have the courage to leave anymore... it feels ridiculous to leave because things are calm. I feel like I should leave because I don't deserve being called names, or being punched because I'm not fuelling his anger by fighting back. What do I do?

OP posts:

stormymcstormface · 18/08/2018 22:58

Please phone women’s aid. He’s abusive - please talk it through with them

Elijem01 · 18/08/2018 23:04

Do you have friends or family that can help you through this? Because I really think you need to get far, far away from him. The kind of insecurity that makes a man constantly suspicious ad controlling like that is a huge red flag, as is his tendency to say unforgivable things. Life is too short to waste years with a man like that. You’ll never feel the same about a man once he’s called you a whore. He’s crossed a line.

Branleuse · 18/08/2018 23:07

You need to leave. You could be happy. You dont deserve to be nor need to be treated like that. Hes a bully

sourpatchkid · 18/08/2018 23:10

Leave. That's abuse. Leave. You and your children deserve better. Don't let them grow up thinking this is normal

Fishface77 · 18/08/2018 23:12

Fucking hell. He’s killed your self esteem. Didn’t your family say anything when he abused you in front of them??
Leave. For your kids if not yourself.

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 23:13

How long are you going to let him carry on like this? A year? Two years? Ten, twenty? Get out now before this man injures you in one of his uncontrollable rages.

watsmyname · 18/08/2018 23:15

You are a strong person who has to make this decision for yourself. Based on your post I think you know it's unacceptable and that you should leave. Talk to friends and family so you have support. Your children will thank you in the long run.

looondonn · 18/08/2018 23:18

run run run

what a dcker

buckingfrolicks · 18/08/2018 23:19

You are not over reacting. He's vile. Abusive.

usernamefromhell · 18/08/2018 23:19

No you are not over-reacting. If anything you are under-reacting. There are no circumstances in which any of the behaviour you have described is acceptable. He is massively abusive.

You need to get out of this relationship. Do you have any support or anywhere you can go in the short term to get away from him?

Starlighter · 18/08/2018 23:32

You’re completely and utterly under reacting. You need to get out OP. LTB. He is violent and emotionally abusive. Please keep yourself and your children safe. You deserve so much more

SoaringSwallow · 19/08/2018 06:26

Leave, but absolutely do not tell him you're going to. Speak to your family - can you go to theirs? If you know that's not a possibility then ask Woman's Aid (who you should call anyway at a time he's definitely not going to be home - and delete the number from your phone after).

He's a dangerous man and you've done well to stick it out so far. You're right you don't deserve this. You have to be smart now though. Keep everything as usual whilst planning how you're going to go/end this. You've already seen that he will stop you so you will need to do it differently - and in the safest way possible. Women's Aid can help with this. Please make sure to delete websites/browsing history if you can (can say it's to free up space if he ever notices) so if he takes your phone he won't see.

trojanpony · 19/08/2018 07:14

Does any of your partner call you a whore when angry??

No boyfriend or partner has ever said this to me. Ever. And I have dated a couple of arseholes

What should I do?
Seek support (women’s aid etc) and leave him. He is abusive and damaging you and your children.

Hope things get bettet

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2018 08:02

Leave him
He's abusive and nasty to you

SoaringSwallow · 19/08/2018 08:37

And no, mine also has never called me a whore. Or anything else (and we're going to divorce). It's a low threshold to have to wonder whether it's ok to be called that, which is not a criticism of you - more an indication of how worn down you are by him.

thethoughtfox · 19/08/2018 08:38

This is horrific.

Sarahandduck18 · 19/08/2018 08:39

Please get on the phone to Womens aid now.

You and your dc are in danger.

He’s already been violent, next time he could kill you/dcs.

BrokenLink · 19/08/2018 08:47

This relationship is damaging your children's emotional health. When children experience domestic abuse they are left with two options. They can identfy with the victim and become a victim of abuse in their future relationships or they can identify with the abuser and become a future perpetrator. Even if you think they do not see or hear the abuse, they do and it hurts then deeply. The Women's Aid website will give you masses of information and direct you to local support. You need to plan carefully, because women are most at risk of serious physical harm when they leave the relationship. No doubt your partner can turn on the charm to draw you back in, but don't be fooled. He will never change.

Blanca123 · 19/08/2018 09:08

He’s abusing you, you need to discuss how you are feeling with people that love and care for you so that they constantly give you that courage to leave, it’s bizarre but I say this because it really is important that your family and friends know the exact situation A. So that they can always be on alert should you need them and B. So that they will look you in your eyes every time you get back with him and ask you ‘why?’ And having to do that will bring to home how bad the situation is as your family and friends only want what’s best for you, you really do need to leave.

You leaving isn’t just a scare tactic but it enables you to then have the power in the situation to think of what you need to do for you and your children without him being there it also allows you to see how strong you are without him, I’d recommend booking a counsellor from now either privately or through your gp service because they will be able to give you some empowerment aswell as advice regarding help on your own

I know it’s easy to sit here not actually knowing you but saying what I ‘think’ will be best but honestly I know this behaviour all to well and the situation never gets better in fact it gets worse because he is left to behave in this way with no consequences, my ex partner did the exact same thing to me for years till one day he battered me and my family had no choice but to stand in and help me but for years I hid this all from everyone just to protect him and for face sake, please recognise that this is unhealthy for you and your children and I PROMISE you it will get worse and worse, take care x

Anniegetyourgun · 19/08/2018 09:15

I thought this would stop once he realises that I am not leaving and I wasn't cheating on him, thinking it was insecurity and love can fix it

This does not work. Trust me. It's nothing to do with what you do and everything to do with what's in his head - which sounds like a nasty place.

MattBerrysHair · 19/08/2018 09:25

Oh Op, he is absolutely awful. Nobody should have to tolerate such horrific bullying, and no child should ever have to see and hear their mother being treated like this. Start getting your papers sorted out, financial stuff, passports etc. Get an appointment with CAB and phone womens aid. If you have a RL friend or family member who will support you to leave then get in contact with them ASAP.

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