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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like it’s over, but I’m scared

25 replies

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 21:33

I feel horrible. I don’t like, let alone fancy by husband, but I can’t bring myself to leave. I’m scared of the upset it would cause him and the children, I’m also scared of the unknown.

I’m resentful of him. We both work long hours, yet I also do everything at home. We haven’t had sex for 9 months, but he constantly asks for it. I hope that he finds someone else, or starts sleeping with someone else so that he leaves me.

He’s not a bad person at all. I shout, scream and cry and he never does, he never loses his temper. It drives me mad.

I’m 27 and feel my life is over. I feel mentally exhausted and so so lonely. I feel like I’m almost bringing up the children up alone. At least by him being here the bills are all paid, which makes me feel horrible, because I’m using him in a way.

We tried counselling before, it wasn’t especially helpful. I was in floods of tears, pouring my heart out, he just sat there saying he tries his best. The woman just sat there nodding her head.

He always says he is trying his best. Which just makes me feel so guilty that I don’t feel like his best is good enough.

I don’t even know what I’m asking... I just have no one to talk to in real life.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 18/08/2018 21:36

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

How old is your youngest? Is it possible you have PND?

What is his excuse for not doing his share of housework/childcare?

Emmageddon · 18/08/2018 21:41

You poor thing, you sound as if you may be depressed. When did you realise you'd stopped even liking your husband?

Does he do anything at all around the house or with the children?

You might feel better and less downtrodden if you could get a job outside the home and have a break from being a fulltime mum. Be yourself for a few hours, instead of wife and mother.

Emmageddon · 18/08/2018 21:41

Oops, just re-read your OP and you work long hours as well as everything else - sorry.

Quartz2208 · 18/08/2018 21:44

how can he be trying his best if he doesnt do anything

Original poster

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 21:44

DD is 3 and DS is 9 months. I feel relaxed and happy around the children (although sometimes resentful when I’m doing all the night feeds, laundry and meal prep). I worry that by leaving him I’ll be depriving the children of having an upbringing with both parents. Which is a joke as we don’t do anything together anyway.

He works long hours. He’s probably gone around 70 hours a week, although I’m not totally convinced he is working that many hours. I’m also working full time (only 40 hours a week, condensed days). He has 2 days off a week with the children, when I cram in most of my hours. On those days they don’t leave the house, yet he doesn’t even put the hoover round.

OP posts:

BriKelly10 · 18/08/2018 21:45

OP I feel so bad for you, no one should feel alone or unhappy in a relationship, you have one life to be happy and you should live it. You don't like him, you don't fancy him, you're resentful of him, eventually these feelings are going to start damaging your mental health and self esteem if they haven't already.
I watched my mum stay in a relationship she wasn't happy in because that was the done thing and it was supposedly better for us as children to have two parents. But, constant yelling and screaming and distressed parents was probably the worst thing that could have happened for us as a family. And, as soon as my parents divorced they were both so much happier.
I don't want to force your hand or give you terrible advice as I don't know much about your relationship. But your husband clearly knows you're unhappy if you've tried counselling. Have you thought of what would make you feel better or happier and suggested it to him? You probably have, but if you haven't it's worth a shot so he has a better idea of what to try.
Another thing you could do is find another counsellor, they all have different techniques so you might find one who doesn't just nod.
Lastly, don't feel guilty for how you're feeling. Something is missing in your relationship, something is happening which is making you feel like this and you're reacting to it. Just because he's trying his best doesn't mean his best is good enough. Harsh - I know - but I just got out of a relationship where my boyfriend kept saying he was trying his hardest to keep me happy and I was the one with a problem, and in the end once we took a break I knew we were just not destined to make each other happy.
Sorry if I've given terrible advice or not helped at all. But, I hope things start getting better for you.

BriKelly10 · 18/08/2018 21:47

Just read your update, it sounds like he's taking you for granted and not pulling his weigh. it's no wonder you're feeling like this. Even if he doesn't see the point in hoovering or wants to relax on his days off, it takes 15 minutes to give everything a quick once over, it's not that hard.

Whippedtoafrenzy · 18/08/2018 21:51

My heart goes out to you. My relationship was like this - me pouring my heart out, husband completely flat. I did feel very lonely. It took me 10 years to raise both the money and courage to leave. Miss him dearly but not the indifference. His behaviour wasn’t intentional. 🌻

Original poster

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 21:53

@whippedtoafrnezy I think that’s exactly the problem. I don’t think he’s intentionally trying to be unsupportive or come across as uncaring. It’s the just the person that he is, but I need to feel supported in a relationship.

It’s courage and money that’s stopping me leaving too. If the children weren’t there I’d be gone and probably wouldn’t feel too bad about the upset.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 21:56

Why don't you write out a list of everything that needs doing, and tell him you need him to contribute towards it? Maybe on a daily basis? My ddil does this. DS leaves the house at 7am for work and gets back at about 7pm. There's a note of things for him to do, especially on the days she's going off to work (barmaid). It maybe hoovering or washing the dishes, or clearing the kitchen. It doesn't take him long.

greendale17 · 18/08/2018 22:00

He works a 70 hour week, has two days with the kids when you are at work and you are complaining that he doesn’t hoover?

Give the man a break. You sound impossible.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2018 22:05

So you’re working 40 hours and “cramming” most of those hours into *2 days”. Is that correct?

And he is working 70 hours then also looking after the dc for 2 days?

If this is true you are both working far too many hours and it’s no wonder your marriage is on the line.

Please sit down together and work out how you can both stop working so many hours.

Original poster

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 22:11

He’s gone about 70 hours a week, but I’m not sure he’s working that many hours. Up until about 8 weeks ago, when I went back to work, he was only gone about 50 hours a week. When I ask him why he’s gone so long he just says he’s got things to do, that is it, end of conversation.

@greendale - it’s not so much hoovering, that’s an example. We are both exhausted, he’s out of the house a lot more than I am, but I feel he does nothing to help, something small like doing a load of washing or putting the hoover round would take 10 minutes of his day, but would be a big help.

I have suggested us putting the children with the childminder for 3 days instead of 2 as although it would be an additional expense it would mean we had a day a week as a family - he would rather save the money.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 22:24

See my suggestion above, OP. It's perfectly viable.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2018 22:34

Op would you beable to you answer my question about your hours? Are you working 40 hours mostly over two days?

Original poster

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 22:36

@lizzie I do 2 x 12 hour days when he is off and then 2 x 8 hour days when the children go to a Childminder.

OP posts:

Original poster

CarlyDamato · 18/08/2018 22:36

Although I have a 45 minute commute each way. His commute is 15 minutes.

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 18/08/2018 22:47

Your poor husband. He’s out of the house 14 hours a day. On his two days off, he looks after the kids for presumably two long days whilst you cram in most of your 40 hours.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t do that, but he must be exhausted, too.

He’s in a sexless marriage, not by choice. His wife screams and shouts at him.

When do any of you get quality time to yourselves, either alone or as a couple?

Maybe you need to work on addressing that as a team rather than seeing him as the issue.

If I knew my husband was out of the house 14 hours a day, then had the kids on his two days off, the last thing I’d care about is a hoover around. I’d want him spending that quality time with his kids given he misses out on so much by going out and working his arse off to pay the bills for you, as you put it.

lifebegins50 · 18/08/2018 23:02

Your worklife balance isn't working and I think you should push for 3 days childcare...tell him divorce is much more expensive!

You must be shattered with such a young family and rather than pulling together you are pulling apart.
Not sure what will help but do consider depression as I feel exhaustion is often a trigger.
Have you managed to have a holiday or any days off together? Can family help?

You are in the midst of the difficult few years, trying to earn money whilst having a young family. It will get easier. Has your dh ever lived alone, just wonder if he really is cluless as gone from mum to you.

singlemominaus · 18/08/2018 23:10

It sounds like PND to me, you guys have a huge amount of stressors with regards to work/life balance which probably isn't helping. Could you see a perinatal psychologist on your own, rather than couples counselling? Think it would massively help you.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2018 23:21

Thanks for answering. Carley
I don’t know how you are both working such long hours, with two young dc. You need to sit down and discuss both your life/work balance.

category12 · 19/08/2018 00:01

Do you think he's avoiding family life by "having things to do" - or do you think he's cheating? Do you see how much his wage is, if he's working 20 extra hours to what he used to?

Musti · 19/08/2018 01:49

That's a lot of hours of work from you both. Could you look at getting a cleaner?

Scott72 · 19/08/2018 09:22

I don't think him not doing enough housework is the main problem here. Its just a convenient focus for all your frustrations and resentments. If he did do a bit more do you think it would make a huge difference? I doubt it. There are deeper problems here. But basically he does sound like a decent bloke.

crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 09:29

You are so young so don't waste your life. I stayed with my ex for years more than I should have and I now find myself single in my 40s. Believe me, meeting someone new at my age is not easy. At least you have a chance to be happy (either on your own or with someone new who appreciates you). Don't feel guilty about depriving the children. Mine have thrived since I split with my ex as there is no longer any tension in the house.

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