So tired of this

[Bfaz]

I've been with DH for 7.5 years. We're married with two kids, 4 and 2.
I'm fed up. We've had the same argument for years, essentially I feel unsupported, like I'm doing everything, he never picks up the slack, like he prefers to work than being home with us, I'm the default parent etc
It's ok for a bit, wgen things are easy, but when the going gets tough I can't hold all the plates and I feel unappreciated and unsupported.
He's a lovely person, great with the kids, doesn't spend all his time outside of work at the pub or gym or whatever. But it's not enough for me. He's not romantic, doesn't do his basic household jobs and leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. I'm fed up with the constant cycle we're in. I don't fancy him or desire him particularly. I admit I don't make an effort either any more. I'm exhausted doing most of the housework and working (self employed) and get annoyed when he has the kids for a few hours so I can work but he can't even get them dressed and ready although he knows I am going to take them out as soon as I'm done working and he can then have hours of peace to do whatever he wants to do.
I feel selfish and ungrateful but I am miserable. I probably need to put on my big girl pants and take responsibility for my own happiness but all I feel right now is that him sodding off would be bloody marvellous and the kids and I would be quite happy. Then he could take the kids for a whole weekend and I could have an actual break.
I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to have my kids and my business and a dog (DH doesn't want one) and no man to leave his clothes around, spend ages in the bathroom and not take the bin out even though it's basically his only job.

Wwyd?

I'd tell him I'd had enough.

I'd tell him to either shape up or ship out. Some men are just too much hard work OP.

OP, he needs to learn there are consequences to his actions (or lack of them).
If he leaves his clothes on the floor, fine - don’t pick them up and don’t wash them. Just do yours, or whichever ones are actually in the dirty linen basket.
When he moans he’s got no clean shirts, just look puzzled and say “ How odd, I washed everything in the linen bin”, then walk away.
At the moment you’re running round after him filling in all the gaps and infantilising him. He will never learn to pull his weight if you keep doing it for him.
Tell him ONCE what he’s required to do. Don’t issue reminders and don’t do it for him. Let him experience the chaos of his own idleness or incompetence. Just do your fair share and no more. Things will soon improve! (Or you will be getting divorced...!)

Being single can be liberating. No one to answer to, the housework for me was more than halved because I actually tidy up after myself. Budgeting was much easier with only me to worry about. When the kids went to bed I had exclusive "me time", I could go for a long bath, paint my nails, read a book, watch what I wanted on telly. When he was there i'd have to find something we both wanted to watch.

Oh and yes you definitely get an actual break wether it's every other weekend or one night a week.

It would have to take a pretty amazing man to make me give all that up!

Tell him exactly this.

LighteningB that sounds fab!

I have told him all this, many times. He always defends himself, says he tries to help and makes excuses like he was going to do X later or whatever.

I have noticed that he rarely tidies up the kids toys or washes/puts away their clothes. Unconsciously 'my' job perhaps? As a woman? I have to think for all of us and some of him and he just does a bit for him. If I say this he will say that's not fair and point out that he did a load of laundry today. As if that equals everything out.

I have tried not doing his laundry but often fall into doing it as if I don't, he will do it himself eventually. And he will hijack the washing machine for a whole day and his drying clothes will be (badly) hung on every available space. I need the washing machine for work so this is very annoying. He then also can't do anything with the kids as he is 'doing his washing' All. Day.

If he has the kids while I work he may plan to take them out but most of the time he doesn't because he can't get them dressed and ready without it taking 3 hours plus. It feels like he doesn't try very hard, as I am able to do a load of laundry and get them out and drag them with me to the supermarket etc and stop them from fighting and get the laundry dry all before lunch and (usually) without resorting to screen time to get them to sit down and leave me alone while I do stuff. They are a handful, but they're not that bad.

Why does he do it though? Not just that but all of it? He made very little effort for my birthday last year and I was upset and told him so, so he made lots of effort this year. But it felt like he was only making an effort because he knew I'd give him hell if he didn't, not that he wanted to.

I also don't know how to tell people we've split (hypothetically) as he's so bloody nice and it would basically be 'because he doesn't pull his weight and I want him to worship me a bit now and then'

I have no doubt he'd be a great co parent but I don't want to destroy all our lives because I'm a fed up with him being a bit crap.

But I'm not happy.

I need to discuss this with him again but he just doesn't see the problems and is always surprised if I bring up how I feel about this. I also have planned an awesome surprise birthday thing for him next week and I don't want to potentially end our relationship days before it, as that would kill the vibe somewhat.

Just wanted to know if I'm expecting too much I suppose.

You're not expecting too much.

I don't think you're expecting too much at all.

You're not happy so something needs to change. Permanently. It's that simple and you need to tell him that simply.

Have you looked at any info on the mental/emotional load that women often bear in relationships (tbh it sound like you're doing more than that) but it's a starting point, try this (might have to copy and paste into browser)

theearlyhour.com/2018/01/04/you-shouldve-asked-mental-load/

I suspect your lack of attraction to him isn't unrelated to how fed up you are with him. Maybe worth pointing out that bluntly? Either he'll change or he won't. If he doesn't then it looks like you need to seriously consider what you want to happen.

I think emphasizing to him how you doing it all and him not pulling his weight (give specifc examples) is making you feel resentful and is having the effect of loss of attraction to him (leading to not wanting sex with him....He may actually buck up on hearing this) and express how this isn't how you want to feel, but you can't help it.

Sounds just like my ex. No amount of telling, demanding, list-making made him 'see' what needed doing because he simply did not give a shit knowing full well if he didn't do something I would have to do it eventually as I refuse to live like a lazy fucking student.

We split over a year ago and dc goes to his for 2 nights every week and guess what? He can easily cook a meal and use the washing machine because he now HAS TO. I also get a lot more free time to do what I want as he has to do his share of the parenting.

As soon as I realised he was happy for me to do all the shitwork with him doing the odd token gesture it killed any love or respect for him and getting rid of him was like a massive weight off my shoulders. Believe me, living with just your dc is hell of a lot easier without the extra work generated by a full grown lazy twat of a man.

This is all deliberate - it is "studied incompetence" so that you don't ask him again as its easier to do it yourself. He is punishing you (quietly flicking the Vs) by being obstructive re the laundry and being "unable" to dress the kids and taking all day doing laundry and not looking after his kids.

Bratty man-child, he is angry inside but cant express it - so puts on the fake "Mr Nice Guy" smile to others but is contemptuous of you and is treating you in a passive aggressive way....it is very confusing and you just end up becoming the frustrated nag that you don't want to be.

Exhausting and relentless.

You are left with your share of the work, his share of the work and then another layer of stuff that he messes up....

This disrespect of you is deeply unattractive and very unfulfilling. Call him on it - he wont believe that you have rumbled him. If he doesn't shape up - you need to move on as it will drain you dry.

Buy WHY is he angry inside?! And what is he punishing me for?!

He doesn't want us to get a dog because in his words 'it will be one more thing for you to do' I'd rather have a dog than him.

'it will be one more thing for you to do'

At least he's honest .

That is very telling. He doesn't view the housework or childcare or potential dog care as anything to do with him, it's all your job. So the reason he's angry and punishing you is cos you question that.

Before you had dc, what was his contribution?

Often issues with emotional intimacy ingrained from childhood - nothing to do with you, but this is the relationship he plays his hidden aggression out in. What were / are his parents like? Was is open and safe to express feelings of anger or was there some other dynamic going on? Google “No more Mr Nice Guy”, passive aggression and

“Living with the passive aggressive man”.

He thinks it is all hidden under his “nice” persona so that no one would believe you and you even question yourself. But this type of relationship is quietly toxic, draining you of your mental, emotional and physical capabilities. Then you end up expressing his repressed anger / aggression as you are at the end of your tether.

I want the dog, therefore it's all on me. That's his view. I do kind of see why that's fair, but also that life doesn't work like that. I would help him with something for work, or wash his car for example because it's for all of us really.

I often think he subconscious thinks like that about the DC. He adores them, but dc1 was an accidental pregnancy and although we'd been together a long time and both wanted marriage and kids I do wonder if he has suppressed resentment or something there.

Before we had DC we lived like students and let the place get messy, and then cleaned it, often together on a day off. I did more cooking and laundry than he did.

His parents aren't very romantic towards each other and his mum says similar about his dad being unhelpful around the house. Tbh my parents are similar too. It's a boring crap routine.

I think as a child his mum was a provider of rather conditional love. He's a people pleaser who needs a pat on the head for doing anything 'good'. He rarely gets angry, mostly only when I 'have a go at him' when he feels he's not doing anything wrong. Even then he will rarely raise his voice above a normal volume, he's probably only shouted once.

His mum can be passive aggressive. I'll Google.

He's done a fair bit of housework this weekend and I got to go out today so I don't feel I can bring all this up as he'll say he's done all this stuff so how can I say he doesn't help and I don't feel supported.

Just been reading about the passive aggressive man, a lot of it is spot on for him, but I also recognised a few traits I have too. Worrying.

Sounds like you're getting all of the shite parts of marriage, and none of the good ones. It's meant to be a partnership. Doesn't matter what people think - they don't have to live your life.

Have you read 'WifeWork'?