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Relationships

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Original poster

Coming out...again?

15 replies

YallAreToolsheds · 18/08/2018 16:44

Hi. Bit of a weird question here...

I am a bisexual woman, and recently out of a long term relationship with a man. Most friends I met while in that relationship, so my sexuality never came up in conversation. They just assume that (though there have been conversations about past relationships! A few of them "experimented" a lot when younger, so I think they've filed my history under that too) I am only interested in men. In fact, while I would still technically call myself bi, I actually find that men do nothing for me any more.

I was imagining that I'd meet someone and just gently drop them being female into conversation, but as time passes it feels like I am lying - and like I'm back "in the closet" worrying about when to come out again. They'll talk about men they talk to on things like POF and I just can't find a moment where I feel I can drop it into the conversation.

I dunno, I was hoping someone would have advice? Been through similar? I realise I may look like some random perve wanting dirty stories, im really not! I am a (very) regular who has name-changed to keep this anon.

OP posts:

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 16:47

Not being funny, but will anyone care?

i don't care about who sleeps with who, that's their personal info.

Just do what you got to do.

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 18/08/2018 16:51

I wouldn't care if they were new friends, it just feels kind of... deceptive?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 16:54

Why do you have to tell anyone? In the nicest possible way ...who cares?

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 18/08/2018 16:56

While I was in the LTR it wasn't relevant - I'm not a "hi I'm Yall and this is my male partner, btw I'm bisexual" type of person (in fact I remember a thread here relatively recently about a woman who wanted to do exactly that! ). But it not being relevant for such a long period of time - now mattering again all of a sudden - has kind of thrown me.

OP posts:

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 18/08/2018 16:59

If the main thought here is that it doesn't matter, I'd be very happy as it means I can go with the original calmly dropping it into conversation when it does become relevant plan. Guess I'm just feeling a bit paranoid that they will view it as deceptive. It's not like I've suddenly discovered I like women, it was there all along and I just never found reason to share that. Iyswim?

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 18/08/2018 17:04

Are you actively dating? By which I mean Internet dating, chatting to your friends about wanting to meet someone, talking about crushes, etc? If so, then you can wait till the topic comes up and say something like "I was chatting to a really great woman online" or "I'd love to meet a nice woman who I clicked with" and take it from there.

I know what you mean about wanting to just be able to casually drop it in and not have it be a big deal, but if you are talking to people who don't know you are bi and don't know your dating history, they are probably assuming you're straight and may be a little surprised. So even if it isn't a massive shock, it may still be a surprise, and you may want to add a clarifying sentence into the pause that will inevitably follow. Something like "I've had relationships with men and women in the past - but I guess since you've only know me in a relationship with a dude, that might be news". You never know, they might know a really great woman who'd be perfect for you, but didn't realise you'd be interested.

I'm straight but my boyfriend is bi, and I know that he gets a lot of presumed heterosexuality. It can sometimes feel like having to come out over and over again, but most people don't react badly, just a bit of a readjustment of their assumptions.

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 18/08/2018 17:46

I'm nervously dipping my toe in, send - not full on searching. It's been quite a while since I've dated and I feel a bit rusty... 😬

OP posts:

SendintheArdwolves · 18/08/2018 18:14

I think (and I may be veering off topic here) that there is sometimes a bit of "straight privilege" happening when people say "I don't know why you feel awkward about this, it's not a big deal, just tell people you're bi, they won't give a shit, etc".

It kind of minimises reality, which is that people who love you won't care, but it may be awkward and you may have to deal with a bit of "surprise" from them.

SendintheArdwolves · 18/08/2018 18:17

What I'm saying is that it "shouldn't" be a big deal if you're gay, straight or bi, but we live in a world where it still is, so you aren't somehow being over sensitive if you feel like you need to give some thought about how to bring it up.

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 19/08/2018 09:12

Thank you send

OP posts:

DayBefore · 19/08/2018 09:50

I’m with Send on the straight privilege issue.

OP, would you feel comfortable telling your close friends that you’re starting to date again, and that it will be women, and you wanted to let them know because it’s not been relevant in so long and you realise many of them won’t be aware you’re bi, and you feel a bit re-closeted because of it? That way you’ll have support when you’re back dating or introduce a new GF without people being surprised and you hav8ng to come out again all the time..?.

Musti · 19/08/2018 10:29

I'd just tell them that you don't know if they realised that you are bi as theyve only known you with a man but now you've realised you're only interested in women.

xmasbaba2014 · 19/08/2018 13:26

I recently started a relationship with a woman. This is after two long term (13 years and 4 years) relationships with men. So the vast majority of people who I would be friendly with have only ever known me with guys. I usually wait till it comes up in conversation but if it does I'm always honest about it immediately so there are no misunderstandings. So if someone asks if I'm seeing anyone I'll say "Yeah I've been seeing a girl for about six months now, she's really great" or something similar. I'd say people have been surprised but they've hidden it well in fairness and usually just say they're delighted for me. It's been similar for her as I'm her first same sex relationship.

Original poster

YallAreToolsheds · 19/08/2018 16:09

That's been my plan, xmas - then I started overthinking about what if it takes me years to meet someone while actively looking, and all that time I'm not bringing it up etc. Silly of me, I know.

Day, I know that's probably the sensible way to do it, though I'm half tempted to just tell the one gossipy friend and have them pass it around. Don't like talking about myself too much anyway 😬

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2018 16:27

The closet is a difficult thing for straight people (me included) to fully appreciate because straight privilige means never having the feeling of needing to explain or justify our sexuality. Here,have a bit of my straight privilege and don't think about it. Your sexuality is nobody's business but yours and if anyone feels deceived, then it really is their problem.

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