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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get put of my toxic relationship

25 replies

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:43

Ive been with my partner 10 years since we were teenagers, we have 3 kids eldest being 9, youngest being 3.
I cant ever remember a particular 'good' patch in our relationship but we've plodded on over the years.
After my 3rd child was born I completely lost interest in the relationship, I guess between the stress of being a young mum with 3 young children, running of the house and working part time. A year ago a found myself having an E.A, nothing physical ever went on just more like a friendship with some flirting/messages but he found out through checking my phone. I was relieved as at that point I thought, this is it, I'm finally going to get out of this toxic relationship thought he'd 100% leave but infact he begged me not to end it, I told him it had to end because he would never be able to forgive me and I had broken trust, he promised he'd never bring it up again.
A year has passed, no further contact with om, and life is hell, everything I do is suspicious, anywhere i go has to be pre-planned, even put shopping, we argue nonstop (always did, but so much worse), he always wants sex and I'm uninterested but if I dont it turns into a huge argument because apparently I must be getting it elsewhere.
This week it came to blows again, he turns into a total nutter but I've begged him to leave, told him that we would all be much happier if we seperated (including kids) but he just wont have it, threatens to kill himself ect. Problem is that I feel the relationship has run its course, there is nothing there on my part, but on his he is totally besotted and obsessed with me, personally I think its a comfort thing deep down.
In desperate need of some advice and even stories of anyone whos been in a similar situation with a difficult partner with some light at the end of the tunnel 💕

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 18/08/2018 16:45

If he won't leave, you need to. Start making plans.

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 16:45

What is the house/job situation?

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:46

2 typos
Both say put instead of out**

OP posts:
ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:47

Council house in my name, i work part time he works full time.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 16:47

If he won't leave, why can't you? It sounds like a nightmare. Get your ducks in a row (as MNs say), arrange to rent somewhere, and take the DC with you.

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:48

If I left I'd need to take the kids and my mum and dad both dont have room both live in 2 bed homes with other kids living there.

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 16:48

Married?

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:49

No, not married.

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 16:51

Tell him it is over.

If he threatens to kill himself, call the samaritans and police.

If he threatens or attacks you or makes a huge scene, call the police.

Berthatydfil · 18/08/2018 16:54

If he works pt who would be deemed primary carer of the dc?
So he’s not on the tenancy ?

Pinkgeorge · 18/08/2018 16:57

The house is in your name, he has no rights to it! You can change the locks when he is out

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 16:59

He works fulltime, hes down as living here but not a joint tennant, we pay full rent which id be able to afford on my own because its council property but i couldnt afford a private let.

OP posts:
Pinkgeorge · 18/08/2018 17:01

Change the locks when he is at work!! If the tenancy is in your name it is ok.

Pinkgeorge · 18/08/2018 17:02

Speak to your housing officer at the council, they will be able to offer help in getting him to leave if he is abusive

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 17:04

Thing i worry about is that he would kick off big time, but if called the police hes a really good liar and good at controlling his emotions, like say he lost it and I called the police, if they turned up he'd act nice as nice and make something up about me.

OP posts:
ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 17:05

He only seems good at controlling his emotions infront of others though but behind closed doors hes a nutcase.

OP posts:
Pinkgeorge · 18/08/2018 17:06

Can you parents come to stay just while you change the locks, so you are not on your own.

expatinspain · 18/08/2018 17:09

Doesn't matter what he does, the house is in your name. You have to speak to the council and make a plan to get him out. If he goes crazy, call the police, keep messages, logs if calls etc and you will be able to get an order keeping him away from you, if it goes that far. You are in a much more fortunate position than many women in that the house is yours, you are not in a really bad financial position and you have emotionally severed ties already. It's time to make steps to start a
better life with your kids.

expatinspain · 18/08/2018 17:10

Btw, the police aren't silly. They're used to this emotionally manipulative kind of man. They've seen it all before, so don't worry about involving them as much and as often as necessary.

ChilledVibes92 · 18/08/2018 17:16

Thanks for that, I guess when you put it that way about being in a more fortunate situation than most you are right, could be much worse. Everyday I think about the day I'll become single and be able to live my life, I just want to be happy and the people who make me happy are my children.

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 18/08/2018 17:32

like say he lost it and I called the police, if they turned up he'd act nice as nice and make something up about me.

I'd get in there first if I were you.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/08/2018 17:37

if they turned up he'd act nice as nice and make something up about me.

All you need to do is reply that you've told him to leave and he refuses and chooses to do xyz instead.

The fact is YOU won't take responsibility for yourself and be assertive in ending things.
Nothing will change unless you do.

RandomMess · 18/08/2018 17:38

Speak to Shelter to find out legally what steps you need to take to get him out. Unfortunately I doubt it is as easy as changing the locks and refusing him entry but you need to know!

expatinspain · 18/08/2018 17:42

And you can be OP. Get everything in motion
and work towards starting your new life seep by step Thanks

PurpleWithRed · 18/08/2018 17:46

If you're holding out for him to just disappear in some kind of amicable breakup you are going to wait forever. Let's not hear any more about 'begging him to leave' or the crap about 'I told him it had to end because he would never be able to forgive me'. It's over because it's never been a good relationship and now it's an awful, toxic, destructive one. You need to grit your teeth, ride the storm, get it over with.

The house being in your name is a massive advantage.

You could

  • wait for the next row, then tell him to get out there and then, and if he kicks off call the police
  • tell him it's over and give him a couple of days/a week to get out

Either way his stuff goes immediately afterwards (in bags on the doorstep if necessary); you do broken record "it's over"; and you change the locks the minute he's out.

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