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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should this make a difference?

12 replies

Bigblue1970 · 18/08/2018 16:26

Hi
My husband and I have stayed together following the revelation of his affair with someone he worked with. The affair lasted about 6 months and had ended before I found out. We then had 6 months of trying to deal with it whilst he was coming out of the affair fog. She was being persistent during that time to try and rekindle it.

Finally, after the initial denial of it being more thsn emotional he admitted they had slept together and had sexual touching but never penetrative sex. Due to issues with ED in the past I chose to believe him.

Move forward a year, we have both worked hard at rebuilding the marriage. The woman, although still occasionally being a pest, seemed to have moved on. He regrets it MASSIVELY and I do trust he would never do it again. We have made a lot of effort to both understand where it went wrong.

Today I had contact with the woman's now divorced husband. He had been suspicious and wanted to know what happened from my perspective. I told him.

He has said they were definitely having sex for 6 months. I don't know how to feel now that I know these details.

Should I just move on and forget about it? Clearly I'm not stupid enough to not think that this was what had happened but to have it confirmed just makes it hard again.

What would others do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 16:37

Well, it means that you never had the full truth from your dh and essentially you're back at square one because he never admitted the full extent of what went on, but minimised and treated you like an idiot. I don't think you should brush it under the carpet and carry on regardless as it'll eat at you.

Smellbellina · 18/08/2018 16:40

How does he know they were definitely having sex?

lizzie1970a · 18/08/2018 16:41

I don't think any woman looking for an affair would put up with someone with ED for six months. Perhaps if they were in love. I'd be back to square one I think as it raises doubts. Depends whether you can turn a blind eye to it. It would eat me up not knowing the truth for sure as it's a sign he still can't be honest with you.

Singlenotsingle · 18/08/2018 16:43

How does he know that? Maybe he's bitter that they've split up and you and DH haven't?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 18/08/2018 16:46

I can never really understand in these situations why the 'type of sex' they indulged in behind your back really matters in regard to whether you choose to forgive him or not. He betrayed you and it was a sexual affair.

In your shoes though I would be upset about the lying more than the act

If you believe what the husband has told you then I wouldn't be able to ignore I don't think

thethoughtfox · 18/08/2018 16:48

He didn't have enough respect for you to tell him the truth. You didn't believe him but stayed with him and pretended to yourself he was telling the truth. This relationship is extremely dysfunctional. He lies - and he will do it again and may be already with someone else -and you pretend to believe him while hurting inside. Don't you want more from life than this?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 18/08/2018 17:01

This is a big kick in the teeth. I think it is huge.

Sorry you had to discover this - have you told your husband you have talked to the husband

Sausagerollers · 18/08/2018 17:06

So the short story is, he lied, then he lied & now you've found out that he's lied some more?
Are you really surprised?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a liar?
Answer those 2 questions and really have a think about what your future looks like with this man.

Bigblue1970 · 18/08/2018 17:24

I know what you are all saying but I think he's been afraid of telling me it all because I might leave.

OP posts:
ovendoor · 18/08/2018 17:34

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Can I ask, why does it make a difference what sort of 'sex' they had? Do you trust him now and if so, why are you speaking with the husband of the OW?
Your husband has lied to you, repeatedly. If you choose to forgive and stay then that is your choice. However, if you do choose to forgive, you need to learn to forget or you will never move forward.
IMO an affair will destroy a relationship and you need to be ready to really move on from it, if you're going to make it work.

Bigblue1970 · 18/08/2018 17:46

You are right ovendoor. I need to forgive. Its not the actual act but that he hasn't been truthful still. Maybe I need to confront him. The husband got in touch as only just discovered.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 18/08/2018 17:49

How can you forgive him if he won't admit what you're forgiving him for?

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