DH and I have been married for twelve years and have an 11 month old DD. For most of those years, I have done the "life-driving" while DH has basically come along for the ride.
Anything that involves planning ahead was pretty much left up to me. For example, we agreed we wanted to buy a house; I was the one who figured out how to achieve a deposit and actually saved the damn amount over seven years (which meant daily financial sacrifices; I didn't even buy a coffee at work). I was also the one who did all the housework and lifework while working over 50 hours a week. By contrast, DH worked his job (36 hours), paid the bills (a set amount) and did his rather expensive hobby. His life didn't change much.
The situation resulted in us in couples counseling four years ago as I was exhausted and deeply frustrated. I just couldn't get DH to engage with and get involved with the realities of our lives. Not only that, but we had just bought our first house and it needed work: new bathroom, floors, units. I needed him to be a partner in this work with me, but he just looked at me blankly whenever I brought it up, claiming he didn't know what to do.
Well, neither did I. That's why I was spending hours online figuring out what we could afford to put on the floors and how we would go about it.
The turning point came during one session when I realised I had an incredible amount of pent-up frustration over the situation, both past and present. Finally, we had a useful conversation and managed to deal with some issues, and DH got more involved ... even though it was still me in the driving seat with nearly every aspect of our lives.
Things did get better though. And then we had DD.
Once DD got to eight months, I realised we had to start thinking about the future and making plans. I am an older mother and am very aware of my age, our finances, our health and how this could impact upon dd.
But the old problems have arisen ... again. DH is very resistant to anything that involves considering the future and preparing for it, just as he was resistant to planning the property work, just as he was disengaged about saving the deposit for the house.
But the reality is that we need to come to some agreement about what our game plan should be for the next five years. I am going to need to return to work at some point (we are currently living off his salary and my savings, which is bundled together as "our money"); he refuses to consider this issue realistically, which is very difficult because we need to start considering things like nursery provision.
We also need to be realistic about our income and expenditure; we need to face certain realities about things like needing to replace the car in a few years. But I am just being met with a blank face and a form of panic.
The primary problem, pretty much, is that DH has no idea what he wants in life. As a result, he's been working in the same job for twelve years and it isn't particularly very well paid for his experience and education. He doesn't like it, moans about it constantly, it affects his self-confidence (because ten years worth of colleagues have shot past him with promotions and role changes) but only makes half-hearted efforts to do anything about it. He just coasts, basically, because he can't make a decision about what he wants. In turn, we can't plan a future that benefits all three of us, so I end up trying to scrabble round without any framework to inform my decisions or perspectives.
After talking to him at length, he only seems capable of thinking a week ahead, and the short-termism is screwing my brain. The other side to this is I feel like the onus is on me to come up with strategies to avoid an inevitable disaster further down the line. Once again, I am being forced into the driving seat but without a destination planned.
So I am posting here just asking for any advice, any experiences, thoughts ... can this work? Is DH ever going to get to grips with what he wants? Or am I flogging a dead horse?