Beating the bully a step at a time

[Tessie56]

So, I'm now 3 months into a separation between me and my husband. We've been married for 19 years and, during that time, he's become more controlling, bullying and manipulative every year. He's also behaved in that disgusting way towards our 2 teenage kids.

Finally, I drew a line in the sand at the beginning of May and told him it was over. He's moved out and I'm seeking legal advice. I'm starting a divorce petition and have booked a mediator in the hope that we can reach a financial settlement.

I know there's a long way to go. He's been here this morning, giving me every bullying tactic up his sleeve because he hates that I'm now taking control. Over the last few weeks, he's cried, grovelled, sulked and we've now reached anger. I'm a little scared of this but won't let it stop me. Me and the kids can do better without him.

Anyway, if anyone else out there is on the precipice and wondering whether or not to take the plunge and finally escape someone else's control, all I can say is go for it. Just telling friends and family all the things that he's done over the years was so freeing and made me realise that I'm not mad (he used to say I'd misunderstood or got it wrong). Once the bully's "dirty little secret" is out, they lose all their power because bullies are cowards.

Well done, it takes great strength to do what you've done. You will be fine, he will be a lonely old man.

Hurray for you! Have no specific advice to offer, but I'm impressed by your certainty and confidence. KOKO.

Thank you! Sometimes I feel invincible and other times I feel so weak. I never feel unsure in my decision though. This is the right thing to do if I want to be able to look myself in the mirror each morning!

I'm there now, completely lost, I go from all will be fine and he'll get better to I can't stand it any more I want to run and everything in between all in a day. I cry on and off all day, I now have anxiety and can't eat. I have become completely detached from him and he's freaking out. I don't know what hell do when he feels he will truly lose us. I have nightmares of him murdering me or murdering dc in front of me. Then I tell myself I'm just losing it and it's all an exaggeration. When I write down all the things he's done I start the process again of horror, disbelief then denial. It's torture. I'm so happy for you that you have found your freedom. I hope it's not long for me now.

Oh, greyallover, poor darling, you do sound bleak. Grey all over... It's a good username for you right now, isn't it?

You need to keep going. Put one foot in front of the other and one day soon you'll start to feel better. You know you're doing the right thing.

When you say: I have nightmares of him murdering me or murdering dc in front of me. Then I tell myself I'm just losing it and it's all an exaggeration. When I write down all the things he's done I start the process again of horror, disbelief then denial. It's torture.

It makes my blood run cold. No decent man would ever provoke nightmares like that. You're absolutely right to have saved yourself and your DC. Time does heal, though therapy helps too.

Hanging out on the Relationships board is a great way of gaining insight into abusive relationships. You read what other women have endured and every time another penny drops.

My ex's tactics ranged from telling dc I was a prostitute to paying my ll not to renew my tenancy.
He raped me, told dps at the ds's school I had mh issues, defied court sorders, tried to get me charged with assault to name a few.
When ds's got to 12 +14 they went nc with him.
Worth everything i went through to get them back.

Prawn yes it's pretty bad right now. In fact I haven't left yet. I swing between leave and stay. There is a deadline as I have to travel home in 2 weeks. He is freaking out I won't return. In my heart I know what's right but I'm to scared to act. He shows small glimmers of understanding what he's done but then reverts back to victim mentality and blaming me for everything. He is currently on a disappearing act but that's all part of the mind fuck isn't it? Don't know where he is, if he's dead or alive, if he will return sorry or angry, if he will return at all. Meanwhile I loyally take care of his home, dc and pets. It's my birthday in 3 days and I will spend it alone as I have the last 3 months predominately. Sorry I'm being moany on a positive thread lol. I've never experienced anything this hard before.

Greyallover, if you don't rescue yourself no one else will, and your DC rely on you to keep them safe. Use the opportunity to escape now, while it's safe to do so.

I haven't had to to escape an abusive man who might hurt my DC, so it's all very well me offering advice. However I have been very happily married and I know what a good relationship looks/feels like. And in the past, when other things in my life have seemed impossibly hard, I have been able to take the right steps for the sake of my DC when I couldn't do it for myself.

He shows small glimmers of understanding what he's done but then reverts back to victim mentality and blaming me for everything.

Yup, that is my husband too, Grey. Don't stay. He will never change. Those 'small glimmers' are a mind fuck to make you (and him) think he is decent really before returning to it all being YOUR fault. Any 'insight' he shows is not genuine or lasting. He is too completely wired up to justify himself, and that means blaming you.

OP, I have finally snapped with DH. His latest tactic is to paint me as completely black. Accuses me of turning the children against him ( I don't), called me a bitch in front of them. Tells me I enjoy being miserable and am full of viscous hatred. Whatever. It makes him even more pathetic in my eyes, if he has to do this because he is so desperate to accept responsibility and so inadequate a human being to look into himself and see how he has destroyed our relationship.

SOrry , should have been so desperate to DENY responsibility.

You're both so right I know it. It's only a matter of time. I keep trying to reason with him, to show him what he's done but there's no point is there? He has never been violent, it's all emotional and gaslighting. It's even harder to walk away from that because you convince yourself it's not real.

Op, I remember you from a few months ago posting about your relationship. Well done. I think you're so brave and an inspiration. I'm not quite there yet myself but I've indicated to him that I've had enough and I want out. He's being super nice with occassional nasty streaks. I'm going through the grey stoning phase to make myself stronger and started to make more decisions on my own. It's not easy. My self esteem has been eroded so much that I doubt myself all the time.

Keep on being strong and please keep posting x

Hi there,
We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

This website is invaluable for moments like this. After posting yesterday, ex turned up and spent most of the day here. He went through every tactic again from apologising to telling me I’m as damaging as he is. I’m not perfect but I’ve never behaved like he does. It still messes with my mind but it also reminds me why I’m doing this.

To all out there, waiting for your man to see the light and change, don’t. He won’t. Mine is on the verge of losing me, the kids and a big chunk of his pension. Money has always been the thing he’s controlled me the most with. It’s the reason why I’ve been scared to leave and it’s the thing I’m most scared about for the future. Sadly I also think that he loves the money more than he’ll ever love any of us. Pathetic.

Gosh, this is so interesting. My husband's behaviour of apologising, or saying he 'made a mistake' and then following it up with things being my fault, or me being 'vicious' 'spiteful', 'turning the kids against him' or whatever; well I thought this was just him or did this extraordinary contradictory behaviour. I guess it is just a pattern of men like him. Men who can only centre themselves. Who are so psychologically weak that they can never bear to get to know themselves and develop..
The only good thing about things getting so bad with husband and so awful in my life as a result, is that I know that will never, ever, believe his crap again. Just yesterday he was going on again about how he wants us to work it out and can't bear the thought of us splitting up.
I am worried about how to split though. He will never move out.
His line in the sand is that he doesn't want to be a part -time day. I told him that means you think I am a chattel, who has to stay in a relationship that I have told you is psychologically and emotionally destroying to facilitate your full time access to your kids. I would never leave him with the kids. He will never put them before him and he really can't understand them and so reacts badly to their behaviour.

Grey, this is just like my marriage
I keep trying to reason with him, to show him what he's done but there's no point is there? He has never been violent, it's all emotional and gaslighting.
If someone had told me when I was in my 20s I would be in a relationship like this I would have never believed it. Never. I can't believe this is my life.
I too have kept trying to get DH to understand his behaviour. It would mean such a lot if he could understand. But he never, ever will. He can only centre himself and his whole psychology is set up to maintain his self belief, regardless of the fact that all of his behaviour contradicts that self belief. I really wish he could step outside himself and see himself. But he never will. He would rather that he could convince me that I am shit and need to shut up and put up for his sake.

And good for you OP for being so strong. You keep going!

There’s no point trying to rationalise with a narcissist. Their heads are too far up their own backsides to see any other opinion! We are fortunate to live in a time where the law is on our side as women and we don’t have to just “grin and bear it”! Sending strength and positivity to you all xxxx

Better the not only wanting to be a part time dad is part of the psychology, by saying that he makes himself look like the goodie and the victim and you're the baddie. Really he can't care about his kids that much if he's willing to psychologically destroy their mother who they need healthy.

100% the same for me better it really sank in when I read 'why does he do that'? And the personality traits of 'the victim'

Really he can't care about his kids that much if he's willing to psychologically destroy their mother who they need healthy.

Quite. He cares about his kids in that he likes them for what they give to him. He enjoys 'loving them' and being with them. But when I point out that it is damaging for the kids to be with parents who get on as badly as we do, or to have a mother who is so unhappy, well, he would rather they had to experience that then him see less of them. Or he tells me that the solution is for me to just 'be happy'. Which would suit him down the ground. The cost to me doesn't matter. I tell him he wants me to be a Stepford Wife and he protests that is the last thing he wants. But well, he does. He couldn't care if I am actually happy as long as long as I could act happy. As long as my unhappiness doesn't impact on him, he couldn't give a damn how miserable I am. And your right Grey, as long as he can portray himself as the good guy, telling me I think Father's don't matter, and that I am trying to take our kids Father away from them (all hyperbolic bollocks of course). Yep, you are right, it is part of the psychology - all about him being the good guy and me being the bad guy.