I've not been on here for sometime I'm not sure why it is today - I've been battling something and I'm not sure what it is - is it me or everyone else. This probably won't make sense to most im not sure if it makes sense to me - Im Not sure if this is depression or if it's a moment of clarity but here goes.
I've worked out why I post on here I've said it's to help others and I know my posts have done this - I know I have given some people a " lightbulb" moment - but the real reason I post is because no one listens in RL - no matter how many times you try and tell them most people have their own stuff going on in their heads and this stops them really listening and I mean really listening - even on here people misconstrue what others are saying because their own perspective influences it.
Who really listens to us - not many I can say - kids? OH? Parents? Friends? Gp? Lawyer? Counsellor? - somebody said to me this week know your friends and your enemies - weVe all heard this but how do we do this - trust your gut? Another saying we all know
How do we trust our gut? How do we know whether our gut instinct has been "influenced" - we all start of pure but we are prodded and moulded And shaped into something somebody else wants us to be ( something very freaky has just happened here - I've had to take a photo otherwise I would not believe it myself) is it our gut talking or our ego? I have a thing about ego -meant to be secondary to our soul but where does it come from - self protective or self destructive? Do we feed our egos or feed our souls - mostly egos - they thrive on all things materialistic and to go against this in this world takes courage, stamina and to some extent a death wish because you will get shot down in flames!
And this is why I have come on here today - I've been asking myself a question? Am I invisible because nobody bloody listens to me - I've been telling those in RL for months I'm struggling I've been asking for help- from the kids from the x from my partner - this is a new revelation on here because I've been trying to make my own mind up without being influenced by others - is he a friend or an enemy - we are all tainted by hurt we are all bloody scared of life itself - the ego stops us baring our soul, trust your gut im told - I have no bloody idea what my gut is telling me because this too is tainted - am I trusting my gut or my ego - and I think I have to say ego - I'm trying to go with the gut - but the gut is hard work - ego is easy but I have to go with my gut - gut is the soul - soul is all about love - this is who I am but sometimes it's fucking hard work especially when you have been let down as I have. To trust - to put your trust in someone else - or put your trust in yourself? Which is it - right now I'm putting trust into a relationship and into another lawyer - I realise I could get screwed by both! But I feel If i give up hope what else is there? Anyway I'm rambling now?
What came into my head this morning - I need to make a will! I need to make a will - am I going to die?
Back to the Gp yesterday referral back to breast clinic - I've had this patch of red itchy skin on my boob for some months - thought it was linked to this skin issue I've had or sweat rash due to heat - but my nipple has been sore this week - again thought it was skin issue - so I do what you do - googled ? Mistake or not? Well it got me to the Gp so who knows?
So this leads to the reason for posting - trying to work out ego from gut - ego tells me I'm being over dramatic, attention seeking hypochondriac All the things I've probably been told by most "friends" over the years
But ive already had one warning -the back pain not cancer but did detect a problem - something else im battling with -was told 3 weeks ago by consultant I need an operation - timescale within 4 weeks - I burst into tears - I was expecting take some more tablets and come back in 3 months. I asked for another MRI scan - my back has always been my strongest point - I'm hoping against hope that it has improved even though consultant said it normally takes up to two years without treatment - so I have this on Tuesday - Wednesday I'll know if I need the op and I'm scared bloody scared incase something goes wrong - I can do without a boob but I need my back because nobody listens when I tell them I'm not supposed to be doing anything, that I'm not supposed to be lifting anything - my house is a fucking mess - the kids are still not helping much - the washing machine has packed in - upside no heavy washing to lift - im lying in Bed because I've had enough - I've had two major Wobblies in the past 3 weeks but still nothing changes.
I'm trying to buy a house - a house 200 miles away because I cannot afford anything here _ it should have completed by now but it hasn't - another drama and I'm asking myself why - am I supposed to continue with the battle or give up - ego or gut ?
And I can come up with arguments to justify both! I need somewhere to live - I'm renting the former family home until next summer but I'm on a 2 months notice and my plan in my head has been get somewhere incase this happens but I could also persuade myself to do nothing - let this go - something else will come up - but I like the house - ego again you see and partner - could all go tits up! But it has just dawned on me that the freaky thing I'm talking about relates to this and something I happened upon last night!
I mentioned I have a lawyer -I believe ( I hope) I have found someone who is going to help me get back some of my fees - but I could quite easily be being taken for another ride?
The saga with the x goes on - I've asked him to pay Ds school fees - he has until next week to respond - the day before his next holiday? Will he respond nah I doubt it - the reason I've asked because I can't afford to continue living here buy this house and pay the school fees - I will run out of money before the kids complete their a levels something has to give - ive already made compromises do I have to make more? When does it get to the point that others need to make compromises - meet their responsibility - do I have to shoulder it all ?
I drew a picture for my counsellor - I'm in the middle with all this stuff around me - the only way to get away from it all - is to escape -escape where? 200 miles away where nobody knows me - away from all these people that one day are my friend the next my enemy - I can cut myself off from it all - is this depression or going with the gut? But these are people I am supposed to love - my friends my family -are we really meant to cut these "toxic" people out of our lives or are we meant to forgive, think they did their best and no that all of us make mistakes - are we meant to punish? Because in protecting our hurt our ego we punish!
I may trying to work out the answer maybe we never do - there are supposedly clues to help us - do we pay attention - do we see them? Do we listen? Who is our friend -who is our enemy? Can we change a course of action really by our thoughts - some seem to think we can - so I need to do two things - I need to go get the cream the Gp prescribed and I need to call my dad - who do we listen to - the chap who said know your friends and your enemies - he was in hospital - what he also gave away in conversation but whether he would recall this or not _ is that he hasn't seen his kids for 20 years - he talked a lot about his job his travels - all in the past - he got visited by his sister - a sister he doesn't want much to do with because she was always telling him he "ought to do this - he ought to do that " eventually he told her she "ought to do one" - was he happy? Was his life full of regret? He had his story - the story that kept him intact! He reminded me of my dad!
But what he also told me was I have a nice smile - how this came through I have no idea because inside I feel dead - I wasn't really listening - I didn't want to talk to anyone - I was there because I needed to be to support someone else. I feel I am supporting everyone in that circle - emotionally and financially - who is supporting me when I ask? I'm not really sure - I'm looking for a way out - when what I really need is a miracle - a miracle that tells me when people say i love you they mean it - and not because it gets them something they want - how do we be that person - that person we want everyone else to be?
I know this post is long - and some will say I'm fucking crazy and need to get to my Gp _ I've been there and done that - I'm looking for something more - will I find it here on MN - dunno a slim chance - maybe I just need to get out of bed - stop the endless thinking Going round in circles - but this is depression supposedly
Will we ever know the answer - maybe we are not meant to only afterwards- maybe if we live our lives a certain way It all comes right in the end - do our dreams come true? What do we all really want at the end of the day - to be listened to - to be really heard? Is that why we come on here because we've tried everywhere else and got no joy. Is it my ego that keeps me posting on here or my gut -for someone to say I hear you keep going - that bit of encouragement that most in RL are too busy for.
I keep hoping - I keep hoping that one day it will all come right - when is that day - is it today, tomorrow next week
All I want is an empty head but this is me - always looking for an answer! Always questioning - which seems to get me in more trouble or move me onto the next level
Anyone else have this shite in their heads - please not just me 🤣
I know it's not just me - we are all fucked - were all trying to find the answer - we all want to be happy- to be loved - probably without compromise - just as we are - if you have this you are bloody lucky - if you know it - you are even luckier still because your head has been filled with the right shite! Not this shite that I've had for 53 years - not this shite that I'm trying to change today, yesterday, this last week , this past five years - this shite which is fucking exhausting I'm telling you!
And now I need to get up put the mask on and pretend everything is fine because that's really all people want to hear - if your fine they're fine and so it goes on!