Narc Father Enabler Mother

[GlitterSparkles84]

Hi, I’m 34 and have just cut contact with my mother due to her relentless lies and pressure to restart a relationship with father. I’ve not spoken to him in 2 years. It took me a long time to realise what she is, it’s only in the last two years since he cheated on her that I’ve noticed a difference in her. He was very psychologically,emotionally and at times physically abusive to my brother and I as children. He controlled everything and still did until 2 years ago. He never once showed up to a parents evening or school play for either of us, never gave praise when we did well, nothing. We were just seen as tiny slaves. We had contracts written by him that we had to sign (I was 13 my brother 11) to clean the entire house. We weren’t allowed to play out until it was done every day. Since cutting contact with father she has made it her mission to guilt me relentlessly. She basically withdrew from me and told me I’m making it awkward to have a relationship with her because I won’t talk to him. He ruined my life but she wants me to act like nothing happened?! angry I thought I might b able to make her see sense but nothing works she just gets more venomous. She will tell anyone that will listen that I’ve caused all the issues and that my mental health issues are down to weed and not the abuse I was subjected to, trying to make me look crazy at every opportunity! (Weed was my escape from the pain) The reason I’m so flabbergasted is because before he cheated on her I honestly thought I had a good mother but I didn’t. She was complicit in the abuse because she did nothing to stop it. She knew it was going on but her needs were put before ours. Any tips on how to stay no contact? I never want to see her again but I know I can be weak and emotional

Tips on NC you say?

Firstly - well done - you are doing the right thing. Your upbringing sounds horrific and resonates strongly with mine. The fact is, I strongly suspect BOTH your parents were Ns. Your father was more intelligent than your mother but she needs you; she needs your supply and you are quite rightly NOT giving it to her.

NC's often fail because the NC hasn't been implemented properly. For a NC to be effective the first step is the realisation you have been abused. Well done for that.

The second is to completly expunge them from your life. This means blocking EVERYWHERE. Delete their phone numbers, messages. Chnage your phone numbers both landline and mobile and be VERY careful who you give the new ones to. (Mobile and landline companies will do this for free if you feel you are being harrassed).

Third; go through your house and remove anything that reminds you of them.

You see, you have been, via the abuse, psychologically conditioned. Like the grooves in a record. Reminders, any reminder, of them will throw you back into the groove so to speak.Good news is that you can wear away, in time. The longer you stay away, the the smaller the grooves.

But in reality, real NC means that they are 'dead' to you. They never existed. Get to that stage where you no longer think about them and you will be well on your way to the healing process.

I went NC with M, D and B two years ago. As a single mum it was fucking tough not having access to their support with childcare but OMG did it feel good. Benefits well outweighed the costs.

Another tip - when you feel tempted, distract yourself immediately. Housework, a book, TV, anything. The urge will pass.

If you break NC then don't beat yourself up. Just re-implement it.

Good luck OP - you can do it!

My mother is an alcoholic and I was abused by my stepdad. She knew it was happening and is still with him. She is narc and thrives on drama. I went NC over 5 years ago and it's been brilliant. I instantly felt better. I just did what has already been said. Removed every trace of them. Blocked everywhere. I still have mental health issues, but I'm on the road to recovery. Well done and stay strong. Message me if you need a chat.

[High fives] BrainWormsWontWin Brilliant work fellow Empath!

OP - I'll just give you a little of my background because I realise I've just committed a monumental mistake in my life.

Went NC with D a few years ago but before I realised he was a N. Took weeks I had of silent phone calls, emails being hacked etc etc. Then, one day, it hit me how fucking atrocious my childhood was.

More time moved on. I made the assumption that mum was a fellow Empath. D becomes very ill. I break NC delibheratly in order to help M.

A few weeks ago, D confesses to MULTIPLE infidenlities through the years. I support M. But something about her reaction really bothered me. I tried to get her to live with me as a break for her but her reaction again just wasn't right.

A few nights on the phone she did something pretty bad - she attempted to prove me by saying a really hurtful comment. I was breaking my back supporting her. I ended the call and sat and reflected on all the other hurtful things, the neglect, the physical abuse that SHE had inflicted.

You see, the thought that I had not one, but two parents who were Ns was too much for my brain to cope with. So I ascribed a category for her (E) which was wholly undeserved. The are good reasons for that which I won't go into but don't I feel like a dick now.

Male Ns and female Ns whilst employing all the same manipulations and power plays do behave in different ways. Females are much more likely to take the softer softer approach and they too often fly under my radar.

But take your D. The use of contracts whilst utterly abusive is actually a really blunt tool. I wonder how intelligent he is?

Same goes for your M - how smart is she? Not all Ns are actually self-aware. They just know that acting a certain way yields certain results.

Oh and when you say moment of weakness? Sweetie, it's not weakness it is the energy and effort of keeping the NC in place. It's a tough place to be in.

Please message me if you need any more info.

Apologies for the SP's.

Thank you for taking the time to respond :) It makes sense that I need to get rid of everything that reminds me of her and I’m in the process of doing so, I’ve blocked social media and phone, previous to that I told her I wasn’t going to be in contact anymore. Her response was ‘suits me’ almost like at that moment she’s trying to draw me back by having me wonder why does it suit her why doesn’t she care? I guess I'm finding it harder because of the idealistic view I had for so long of her is now shattered and I don’t believe she’s ever been the parent i thought she was. I’ve always been overly emotional probably due to the abuse of my father and then sexual abuse by my friends dad (for which I was called a liar). I feel like she is using this to scapegoat me, why isn’t she doing the same to my brother? Perhaps because he’s a lot less invested as I am maybe? He doesn’t really interact with her and hasn’t done for years because of him. Just seeing here that I’m not alone in this situation and I’m not crazy for feeling how I do has made a huge difference, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me guys xo

Renarde1975, I think that I’ve made the mistake of catagorising my mother as an enabler, I felt like the descriptions I found on the web matched her to a T but looking at it now perhaps she’s been just like him just covertly and under the radar, thinking back she never showed affection physically and never told us she loved us, I thought that was because her mother spent 40 years as an alcoholic and her father left when she was young. Perhaps that’s part of it but she’s been with my father since she was 17 I wonder if she was just really vulnerable and he took advantage of that maybe? See even now I try and find excuses for her! So annoying. I guess it will take time to let go of what I thought I had

OP - the alcohol thing. Extremely common (if not universal) that Ns will be dependent on something (booze, cigs, drugs of all kinds etc)

The 'suits me' comment? That's a good one and one that my Dad (henceforth known as PatriNarc) would say. It's a test. Designed for you to wonder why she said it and it's also a malignant Hoover designed to, you guessed it, suck you back in. So NC solves that little issue.

And finally, the enabler comment. There is so much crap on the web written by people who do not understand how this works. We DO want to find excuses because the truth is so horrific and that is compounded by the original abuse in the first place.

A guy who does though is H G Tudor. Try narcsite.com but be warned; it's addictive stuff! [grins]

There could be two reasons why she isn't do it to your bro.

1 - He has put himself too far out of reach/contact to make a Hoover successful. Or to put it another way; would take too much energy. It's also possible he is not in her mind so he literally 'doesn't' exist.

2 - He doesn't have the same empathic traits as you so he is not considered worthwhile enough to deploy a Hoover against.

Now I don't think your mum is self aware as her tactics, though cunning, are lacking finesse. This is good news for you as any malign Hoovers will be of a short duration.

How long as NC been in effect for?

glitter, just one thing. Different people react differently to removing all traces of their parents.

Some people find it's hte right thing to remove everything, some people find it right to put a few things in the attic for a long time until, when they have reached true mental and emotional independence, they can go back and look at them and kind of reclaim some of their childhood in a healthy way.

I would say don't throw everything out yet unless you are certain it's the right thing to do. If the stuff is weighing on you mentally after some months then yes, chuck it. If it isn't, if putting it boxed away in the attic is enough, then leave it. if nothing else, at some point if you have children you may wish to show them some of your childhood photos. It's ok to reclaim

Definitely block all routes of communication though, yes. If you get hte flying monkeys trying to persuade you to get in contact, keep firm. Imagine a rock you can stand on and say that there were reasons and that you don't want to resume contact.

SeaEagleFeather Hmm - maybe ask a trusted friend to keep them in their loft? Therefore the chances of you accidentally stumbling across the box whilst searching for your tennis racket are reduced.

Hoovers can and often do happen years after the initial NC. By which point you may (or may not) be in a strong enough position to withstand them.

Thank you for confirming what I thought about her trying to suck me back in, throughout the last two years I’ve questioned whether im doing something wrong, if it really is my fault but luckily my sister in law has been really supportive and through the lies mother has told to both parties we realised it’s definitely not me, it’s her. I don’t think she is intentionally trying to destroy me. I think maybe she is clinging to him through fear of being alone to some degree she feels like she can’t live without him and so blindly lies and protects him to avoid losing him. I’m guessing that’s due to 30 years of manipulation, I don’t know maybe I’m wrong I guess I’ll never really know the answers. Hmm maybe your right about not throwing everything but I like the idea of it being elsewhere so I don’t stumble across it by accident and trigger something.

Nc has only been 2 weeks with the mother and 2 years with the father.

OK. Excellent. We are on the same page.

I hadn't appreciated it was 2 weeks since the NC. You are therefore still vulnerable to a Hoover. Keep on doing the good work.

No, she's not trying to destroy you. She needs you. Badly. The reason for this is the reason all Ns operate; it's fuel/energy. It's pretty much the only thing on their minds, every single day.

Ditto her husband. She clings to him because - and this is the bizarre part - he is also forming part of her fuel supply. I had previously believed that N-N bonding was rare. Now I suspect it's much more common than I thought. Trouble is; it's a crap way of gaining fuel as Ns are seriously not good suppliers of it. Much more common to have a N-E coupling.

As to answers - yes you will get answers. You've just started to go down the rabbit hole but it's essential now that you do otherwise you will be vulnerable to further N abuse at the hands of others.

The answer really is narcsite.com Become like me a 'Weaponised' Empath. I can truly say that this time of my life is the only time I have experienced where I am not being abused. That's about 40 years give or take.

yeah renarde a friend's loft works well too.

If any letters or whatever come then chuck them immediately - a bin down the road will do! Or if you really want to know what's said then ask a trusted friend who really gets the situation to vet it first.

Good idea re letters SeaEagle

In fact, you may need to employ the services of a 'gatekeeper'. This person must not be linked to you or your family in anyway and must be absolutely trustworthy. Be wary that there may be links back to your family that you are unaware of...

Yes I’m beginning to understand about the need for fuel, I’ve just read 5 articles on narcsite and it’s extremely enlightening! I definitely need to be armed with as much information as possible to avoid being sucked back in or manipulated in any way. Perhaps I will get the answers I need in time but for now just furthering my knowledge to protect myself Is the best course of action so I shall read until I can read no more! Yes I did think it might be hard to find someone I trust to hold those possessions, unfortunately due to anxiety and depression I am lacking in the friend department but I may be ok to keep them in the attic due to never actually going in there, if I need anything my partner gets it out for me so I think I may do that.

Hey there OP. You are doing absolutely the right thing there. Read, learn and educate.

Whilst it might seem weird that Tudor is in effect, 'spilling' on his own brethren, he is entirely acting in accordance with his own type. Plus something else as well which I suspect but I will not say publicly just yet. Please do PM me and I will talk more.

BTW, if you have the subscription to Amazon Kindle Unlimited; all his works are free. Dive in - some of the big ones to read first are 'Fuel', 'Sex and the Narcissist' and 'Fury'.But TBH, I read them all out of order and it didn't really matter in the end.

As to friends. As an Empath, you have followed your gut instinct and have withdrawn. This is an entirely natural process that your subconscious has taken in order to protect yourself. Do not worry about this unduly as when the healing process begins, you will be able to make better judgments about the people around you.

And [hugs] plus

On weaponisation itself.

I cannot speak for you and your expereinces but it took me roughly two weeks to read most of his works. It then took a further 3/4 months to fully undertsnad that utter shadow show my life always was.

I'm noew in the state where I am applying the 'worldview'. By that I mean that I akm taking the knoweldged about intimate partners and their affect on me and seeing how this all interacts in the larger picture.

I'd say it's a mindfuck but actually, it isn't. It's entirely true and THAT is the scary point of it. This is not to say that Tudor and I agree on all points because we don't. But we DO agree on say a good 95% of them. Those are largely the important ones.

But as Tudor is a (self ascribed) high functioning sociopath, there are certain techniques he can deploy which his less evolved brethren are not doing. He gets that but just as I am an E, he cannot understand what if feels like for me to be involved with them. Just as I cannot understand totally what goes on in his head. All we can both do is observe.