Utterly consumed by misery over toxic family.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Hi all,

Could do with some support. The last few years have been one long mental breakdown for me really. At times I’ve barely held it together. I went through therapy re my family (totally absent father, violent abusive stepdad, weak mother who allowed the violence and verbal abuse and backed him up) and it was both helpful and shit at once. Facing the issues was necesssary but my therapist decided that after encouraging/ instructing me to tell my mother what damage she had caused and the resulting fallout to somehow start allowing her back into my life, even though everything was a mess and unresolved! It caused SO much stress for me and at one point I had a serious panic attack that necessitated an ambulance call out.

I went NC with my mum at Xmas and ditched the therapist. Then my mum decided to turn up at our school nativity play which almost gave me a heart attack and my husband was furious.

Then a few weeks back my grandfather died. He was truly one of the only two people (with my grandma) that actually cared about me as a kid. It bought up a huge amount of frustration and upset. And my lovely grandmother is devastated and in an elderly home now. I’ve been visiting her as much as poss.

This week I decided to change my Christian name. My old name is connected to so much shame and misery and was given to me by my mother. I wanted to change it and move on. So I did, yesterday. I was excited at first but then I told my aunt (who I’ve been coordinating grandma visits with) and she sounded a bit bemused over it and said she won’t tell my mum. I feel really embarrassed and stupid now for changing my name. Will I ever escape the shame this family has heaped on me?!

Often I feel so stressed over it all that I feel kind of surreal and out of my body IYSWIM. The anger and frustration I feel over the family completely consumes me. I’m medicated up to the eyeballs. My life has been totally ruined by all this shit. How do I climb out from under it all and move on? God I’m so tired.

You say you ditched the therapist. Did you find a new one?

And fwiw I think changing your name was an excellent move. Maybe your aunt just doesnt understand the depth of your feelings. It wouldnt be that unusual.

No I didn’t find a new one. I def need one tho I think. I was put off by how the last one was.

I applaud the name change.
You're going in the right direction.
Power to you!

I'm going to offer you OP some very big unmusnetty [hugs] and some

I'm sure that you genuinely cannot see this but you have done the best possible things that you could have done. Being blunt;

-Ditching that crackpot of a therapist

• Going NC with Mum

-Helping your grandma -Changing your name - well done for that!

I suspect you are feeling tired and exhausted because you have been coping with so much after so many years of abuse. The death of GF on top of that will be compounding it.

You talk about feelings of shame? They are entirely misplaced. To have undergone so much for so long without cracking means you are an incredibly strong woman indeed and you should be very very proud of yourself. I am proud of you and I don't even know you!

I would say two things

1 - be careful on that aunt of yours. It's likely that is the conduit back to your mother hence her 'popping' up in places where you are. I could be wrong but it might be wise, just for now to be extremly circumspect on what info you choose to share. The fact that you even raise the 'my aunt said she wouldn't tell' is already putting into my mind that you have a niggle there

2 - Your life is NOT ruined! I know you can't see it now but you will heal and get better.The people around you who should have cared for you abused you horrifically. That cannot be changed but you can keep up the NC. Dealing with families is horrific because of the ties involved.

The longer you stay away from the toxic ones the clearer your mind will become. Stay strong OP and take it one day at a time.

Thank you. I really can’t see anything but misery at the moment so I hope you’re right about the future.

You’re right re my aunt. I don’t trust her. To a degree she is a lot like my mum and wasn’t a great parent to her kids either, lots of criticism etc. I’ve just texted her suggesting a standing arrangement of when I visit my grandma so that I don’t have to talk to her anymore.

I feel vulnerable. I’ve only got my husband, my kids and one friend in the world. I feel like the enemy is bigger and stronger than I am.

Sometimes I honestly wish I didn’t have my dh and kids so I could just end it all, but I have a responsibility to them.

I saw a psychotherapist for 4 years. 2 years in I went NC with my mother. The therapist then spent the next 2 years trying to persuade me that I needed to rebuild my relationship with her. Turns out psychotherapy believes the family should be together no matter what.

I wasted 2 years of therapy trying to convince the therapist the NC was a good idea. Never managed to convince him. I'm now 12 years NC with my mum. NC with my dad since 2016 (there were periods of NC from 2006). No grandparents to worry about (I would have though if they had still been alive). Effectively went NC with one uncle and aunt as they were trying to undermine the NC and suggest I was being childish etc. Uncle died back in 2012, was at the same time my exh was leaving (abusive exh!) so didn't miss him or go to the funeral. My sister made contact with me and we have a great relationship now (after a period of NC). Had 6 years detangling myself from abusive exh.

I found the therapist's attitude (as what you think as a peer to you) to be damaging, makes you feel like you are 'wrong' for wanting NC. That it would harm me. In 12 years I have raised two children practically singlehandedly, been nearly on the streets with them due to exh, been through the court system multiple times, been on and below the breadline for at least 2 years with no fridge/washing machine/car for months at a time. In all of this I should have (in my mind, like 'normal' adult children) wanted/asked for my mum's help/shoulder to cry on etc. Not once have I needed HER or wanted her to help me. I have needed A mum's shoulder to cry on. Just not her's. So after 12 years I'm looking back at all the shit and thinking well, at what point did the therapist think it would be helpful to have my particular mum in my life 'helping' me in anyway? She doesn't help. She hinders, both physically at times and mentally.

Sorry being a bit rambly. You are very early into NC. I found for the first 4/5 years at least terrible guilt and not knowing for sure I had made the right decision. Mainly down to her and my dads emotional blackmail. It was on my mind CONSTANTLY. Reliving old arguments, having new one's with them (in my head), listing the ways they hurt me, and a constant justification of what I had 'done' to my mother by going NC (she acted like a small child which then engaged the maternal side of me). Mentally I look back and wonder how I got through it all. There are things I did in the process, things I wrote, things I did, that I feel a bit cringe about now, BUT they were all part of the process of grieving and accepting my parents were gone now.

FWIW I think changing your name is a brilliant thing. Your aunt probably has no idea of the depth of the abuse so doesn't 'get it'. I do. I understand. I think its a positive forward step for you to take. Not that my opinion matters as I'm just some random stranger! But we all do what we can to recover. Whatever feels right. Your mother is the one who should be feeling that shame. Not you. Hold your head up, you have survived so much. Your mother will most likely attempt to suck you back in. Your aunt might be a conduit, I agree with limiting what you tell her. But you can do this. You have realised the abuse, you have even spoken to your mother about it, you have gone NC. All you need to do now is maintain that 100% as possible. My mental state gradually calmed over the years. It did take years to calm (sorry!) but I got there. 12 years on I cannot tell you the last time I thought of an argument in my head I've had with my parents. I have no idea. They just do not cross my mind at all now bar when my sister mentions them. I feel completely divorced from them. Last week my sister had a phone call to say the paramedic's had been called out to my dad, she started crying out of stress. My response was not to ask about my dad, but helping her get packed up so she could go to them. I cared about her. Not my dad. It showed me how much I had moved on.

So in short (ha ha!) its early doors yet. Its a massive thing you are doing. But you really have done the worse bit. Peoples mental state does change when the 'threat' goes. All those feelings that have been suppressed so long can be safely aired and vented. To that end maybe, I did think if I ever went down the therapist route again...I would try a counsellor. What I really wanted was not an explanation (drama triangle, though that was helpful at times), I just wanted someone to listen to me rant and vent and cry and have that shoulder to cry on. Not someone 'knowing better' and telling me to do something I did not feel was right.

Things will get better, not today perhaps or tomorrow, but a gradual working through all those complex emotions and feelings that come with NC. Just think, you are now free of her physical presence. You will still carry her voice mentally in your head, but with time you can quieten that voice too. Just take things day by day. Be kind to yourself. Get yourself a therapist/counsellor if that is what you feel you need to help. Link with others on here (stately homes thread) to help air things. You can do this. It will get better, just allow yourself your grieving and anger. It will be okay x

You have taken brilliant steps in spite of your rubbish therapist. You know best what you need to do. Sorry about your loss. It's very tough to lose a loving grandparent when your parents were shit. You sound amazing and a fighter. Bravo for your name change. Your aunt is toxic too x

@worldmap I’m really grateful to you for sharing your story, i can really empathise/ sympathise (which one is it?!). I’m so pleased to hear that your life has moved on and you’re no longer consumed by it. What you describe about having arguments with them in your head and it being on your mind constantly is exactly where I am and have been for about 2 years. I look forward to a day when I can be free of it more than anything. The guilt over nc (mainly cos my mum now doesn’t see my son) hangs around my neck like a lead weight.

Interesting that you had a similar therapist nightmare to me!!!

I’m encouraged by what you wrote.

Can't you cut out the aunt too, or at the very least just the bare minimum of contact if you have no other way of arranging visits to your grandmother? If you don't trust her then you're better off without her too. Sounds like the name change is a positive step in the right direction. I am NC with my two sisters and can honestly say my life is much better for that, and the thought of them hardly ever crosses my mind. When I do think about it, which is rare, I think ' how sad for them and their kids, losing a lovely sister/aunt like me' (because they are both nasty, mean and dishonest, and were vile to our lovely dad in his last years). Then I get on with my day -and life.

Ahh - then my spidy sense was bang on re: Aunt. I didn't want to suggest NC because I could have been wrong.

Right - a gentle criticism OP - creating that 'standing arrangement to avoid Aunt or Mum has only flagged to them when you WILL be there.

My advice - DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH WHAT YOU SAID UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - cos you will be ambushed.

By all means, keep visiting DGM but make your movements spontaneous. Flag to no-one when you are going to visit. Not even DGM as it's likely that she will spill. Not because she is an N but she probably has no idea who she is dealing with.

Someone said that your Aunt didn't know about abuse? Calling BS on that! She did know; she just didn't care. OP underlines that she was a crap parent too. Oh dear.

OP, you are feeling the way you do right now because you have been 'fed on' for too long - your energy levels are depleted. I can assure you, they will recover and you will gain hope for the future.

I understand that you feel vulnerable. That is only natural. The one friend thing? That's probably because sub consciously you have been withdrawing for some time now. That is a VERY Empathic trait. Time away from toxic people and an understanding of why you are so important to them will begin the healing.

Belive me, deploying a NC is the thermonuclear weapon in our arsenal - it will wound them significantly whilst simultaneously cutting off supply.

I'm gonna have a little rant now based on the shared experiences of the above.

Therapists that suggest that you should go back to an abusive family or not deploy a NC should be marched outside and shot IMHO. That is such bad advice and so terribly damaging to the survivor. Don't forget that Ns are attracted to the empathic professions as that is where the 'prey' is.

Such a pity I didn't know who it was as I'd only need say 10 minutes talking to them to wound them considerably. Twats. And all that time taking your money. God it makes my blood fucking boil.

Worldmap Wow! And hugs! Brave, brave lady and thank you for sharing

I keep on reading the word 'guilt'. Again, this is another really strong E trait.

You have nothing to feel guilty over. Parents whop abuse their own children have zero right to have access to their grandkids. None whatsoever. If no more so than the manipulations will be deployed against them the minute your back is turned.

OP - I missed one of your sentences were you are talking about ending it. This has already moved into suicide ideation and is a dangerous area. Please talk to your GP intermediately or ring the Samaritans if you feel compelled. Your children need you. More [hugs]

@ginghamstarfish funnily enough I was meant to be around her for a bit this afternoon at the care home but I texted and said we would go another time as I don’t want to run into her.

@renarde1975 I have to have a standing arrangement unfortunately otherwise I’ll probably come face to face with my mother when I turn up. My aunt despite her faults has been very helpful in arranging when I can go when my mum is busy. My grandmother has fairly advanced dementia and can’t remember what she ate for breakfast let alone who visited or what they said.

I can see you’re probably right about me withdrawing. I don’t trust many people and because of what I’m struggling with I find it hard to relax around people. I can see that sometimes I’m depressed. I have a very gloomy and negative outlook on things sometimes. I won’t end my life because I have responsibilities but I certainly wish I could. Life is so hard and I’m so exhausted by it.

I agree totally about the therapists. Why on earth would you encourage someone to be around the person who causes them so much pain?

Strictly speaking it wasn’t my mum who abused me she just didn’t do anything about it. Does that still count? She just stood by and let my stepdad treat me how he liked, motionless, and made excuses for his behaviour. Am I minimising what she did?!

I’ve never heard of empathic traits, I’ll google it.

Yes, absolutely she is an abuser; just a more cunning one. Allow her husband to take the blame for it.

Aunt is also by definition an abuser - bad parent etc. Your Aunt is functioning as your Mum's Lieutenant and vice versa I suspect. Aunt is also cunning as she is lulling you into trusting her. I guarantee at some point, your Mum, probably with sister in tow will rock up at grans. This will be done under the guise of 'let's just all forgive and forget, hey?'

Putting you on the backfoot and giving her the advantage.

The fact that you are questioning and second guessing what is happening also shows you are an empath.

I know this is tricky, it's hard. I'm here to answer any questions.

I’ve just been reading about empaths and it describes me to a t! I’d never heard of that. It’s helpful to know that I’m not feeling this way about all the family stuff because I SHOULD be but because I have these traits, IYSWIM.

If my mum and sister did rock up to my grandmas I’d just walk away. I’d certainly be tempted to forgive my mum because sometimes I miss her, but I have a list so long in my head of things she did that have affected me awfully and I could never ever trust her.

How do I stop doubting myself and be strong in my convictions?

I think the doubt is just coming from the fact that you are becoming self-aware. Keep on reading narcsite and his books.

I know you miss her but actually, you miss the false memories of her created during the golden time (of which there will have been many). These memories form part of what is called 'the mix' and are designed to keep on luring you back.

You are right to say you can never trust. Ns lie, manipulate and distort to suit their own agenda and tbh the females are far more cunning than the males.

This is what did it for me in the end. Twice now, I have tried to commit suicide. March I took an overdose. Not once, not once has she called me to ask how I am coping. She had been calling, a lot. She even called me the morning of a very important meeting. Not to wish me good luck but to talk some random spurious bollocks. When I told her of the attempt she spat out 'What did you want to do THAT for?'

If I ask her about an incident she says she 'can't' remember. Her stock in trade excuse. I caught her out on this last week. It was then I realised I could not deny this any longer; she was an abuser and a lesser N. No question in my mind.

She, like yours, sat back whilst PatriNarc would hit me. She never stood up to him. If I asked for emotional support she would never give it. Rather, she took the opportunity to tell me I was being stupid, or silly. This happened so many times during growing up. But to anyone who met her she was kind, caring and lovely. I clocked this very early on actually when I observed her around another woman on a playdate.

I grew up nervous and fearful of people and struggled to make friends. Bro became an alcoholic. She encouraged and supported his dependence by buying him alcohol and never encouraging him to get help.

Now, it has grown to such a serious level that I am going 'off grid' were no one can find me, I can continue my writing and I can heal.

‘The mix’ is an excellent description! It is exactly that, a delightful headfuck of horribleness and them sometimes actually giving a fuck.

Total same here re her appearing delightful and caring to other people.

And yes re having trouble trusting people and struggling to make friends. Apart from my rock, my dh, I have one friend who I truly trust.

I’m so so so sorry you’ve attempted suicide. You can always talk to me, it seems we have a lot in common. I was a major self harmer a few years ago, the worst episode requiring police and an ambulance etc. I asked to see my mother when I got home from the hospital and she said she was busy painting her hallway.

I totally feel you re going off the grid. I’ve just legally changed my name, blocked them from my phone and email and I’d move if I could afford to. Are you NC? I think you must do that if you haven’t already. It’s like a cancer in our lives and we must cut it out.

Thank you Luke. I will reach out to you; you are very kind.

I'm not NC and there is a reason for that.

I WAS NC - did that in Sep 2016 as I was so disgusted my PatriNarc's behaviour towards my brother. But actually, in the very beginning, that summer, I began to read a book. Sorry, cannot remeber the title now. But it did highlight for me that my own M's behaviour was abusive. So the whole journey started with her. In the last 6 months or so, I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security that she might be an E.

She isn't. She has not one single empathic bone in her body.

I could detail many incidences of her self-centerdness. But the chief one for me was my wedding day, many years ago. She took ZERO interest in the planing and was more obsessed with me going with her to pick her outfit than she was to work with me on the dress (I was having it hand made - I was paying).

My close firends at the time remarked on how odd her reaction was.

Other notable times were when I was preganant with both children. She just wasn't concerned or showed that she cared. Right before both births I went NC as I coud not tolerate her behaviour any more.

I deliberately broke NC as I heard PatriNarc was gravely ill and I wanted to support her. How did she thank me? By bombarding me with calls and not once asking how I was coping. I cannot forgive that. She couldn't even fake empathy in the end.

Cold and heartless. Those two deserve each other.

In the end it will be a law of diminishing returns as they both attempt to suck energy from each other. And good luck to that I say.

I'm sorry to read of your self-harming but am glad that you are now in a better place.

Oh and