Seeing dp for the man he is...

[NickyNora]

Some how i need to get through this stage in my life.

Been with dp 19 years. 4dc.

I had 2 dc when i met him. Had been on my own for years. My dc were 10 & 8.

I was so grateful to meet a man who didn't drink, take drugs, who worked & had a decent car.

So i spent years being grateful to dp for just taking us on.
I must add i was working, studying, new car & own home.

About a year ago i was diagnosed as going through early menopause. Its made me 'wake up'.

Actually dp is a passive aggressive, unkind, unsupportive & lazy man. I've wasted the best years of my life on a man who never even asks if I'm ok, even when i had a cancer scare recently & 2 operations on my eyes. Who couldn't be bothered to come to the hospital when i had a miscarriage or visit me after i gave birth to our youngest child.

And i totally justified his behaviour. Telling myself he was a good man & i was being needy & pathetic.

Now i see what my sister used to see. Now i know why she distanced herself from me. I have been so stupid & settled for so little.

He does stuff like hr changed his annual holidays this year without talking to me. It meant 1 of the dc & i couldn't go.
He has £40k in savings. I have £5k.

He sits for hours every evening whilst i do evetything for tbe dc.

When i ask him to do anything he either ignores me or if i push the point he huffs & puffs.

He loads the dishwasher after dinner. He sometimes brings the washing in. Nothing else.

I used to think because he works he shouldn't have to do anything indoors but actually it means i never ever get a break.

So I've decided to tell him on 7th September that i want him to move out on 17th September.

I am so hurt. I am so angry at myself & him. I need to make some peace with myself & dp. I do not want to end up a bitter miserable old cow but i need to do something but what?

If i try to talk to him he won't respond or gets sarcastic with me.

How do i get through this without losing my mind or ending up a miserable bitter women.

TIA

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

What is the significance of the date you've chosen?

Dcs birthdays will be over & his shift pattern. Very practical no other reason.

Everything is in my name. Tenancy in my name. He gives me 'housekeeping' every month.

OK. Does he have somewhere else to go at short notice? (parents etc.) If not, prepare for him to kick off, and have someone with you when you tell him to leave.

Legally he has no rights to be on your property once told to leave, however most legal advice will tell you that you must give "reasonable" notice to leave - but this only applies if you don't feel you or your property are in danger from his continued occupation.

When you think about telling him to leave, what are your points of fear, and what can you do to counter this?

Don't feel bad about decisions you made in the past. When you got together your standards were low for good reasons, and you did the best you could with the information you had then.
Similarly, now you know what to expect from him, you're making changes. You should feel good about this - you've seen what the future holds, you don't like it, and you're doing something about it.
I can understand your anger at "lost years" but try to focus on the future and not mourn the past.

No he has no family to go to. He has an old friend. He has £40k too.

I'm not supposed to know about that money. He led me to believe he had £10k in savings.

I'm worried he will be nasty& wind tbe dc up esp our ds13. They really don't get on.

At least he's got plenty of £ and will easily be able to afford somewhere else to live. And they're not lost years - you've got 2 DC out of it. You're doing the right thing. Onward and upward.

Im in my mid 40s. 6dc but 4dc at home.
No money. No career. Menopausal. Health rapidly deteriorating...

This time last year I did exactly the same thing and told my dh that I wanted him to leave - this was after 29 years!

You can do this. It won't be easy, but you will feel so much better afterwards.

Thankyou Cambionome

What was tbe hardest thing about separating?

Well done nickynora. Don't mourn the 19 years gone. Look forward to what's coming. Freedom from this uncaring man who took advantage of you for years.

I wasted 11 yrs on my husband and he finally moved out this year. Yes it's lonely at times and it's been hard. But at least I don't need to see him every single day.

Keep going you brave woman. You're putting yourself first. That is priceless.

The hardest thing about separating strangely was making the decision in the first place. Once I'd decided and told him everything else was much easier. I worried a bit about paying all the bills and keeping on top of all household admin, (he was very controlling and didn't let me have much say in anything), but I coped.

Honestly, everything is so much easier when you haven't got someone dragging you down.

You are a capable and intelligent woman; stand strong and keep going. You will get there.

As others have said, don't mourn the past look to the future. A future where you'll be able to breathe.

Perhaps seek advice to find out roughly what child support he will be paying. Are you able to also start working?

I’m astounded he didn’t come
See you when you had both of your child , absolutely horrified .

Well done OP you can do this stay strong

You can do this! You say

Im in my mid 40s. 6dc but 4dc at home.
No money. No career. Menopausal. Health rapidly deteriorating...sad

But if you stay with him you will feel these things are true and have an awful partner. As the kids get older you can think about what you want to do work wise. It's never too late!

I'd also suggest the stress of the relationship isn't helping your health. Is there any way you can get evidence of your dp savings and income?

I've copies of his P60 for the last 5 years.

I'm entitled to about £400 a month in Child Support. I will only be down £200 a month. He has always bought any white goods or electrical. I've bought everything else. So I will be ok for a while...

I do have a small income as I invested in a business years ago.

Youngest dc goes to school in September. My 10 yr old ds is on a reduced timetable so only does 9.30-2.30. This will change next year when he goes up to Secondary school.

So my plan this year is to build up my skills. I'm a graduate but haven't worked in 16 yrs. Do some courses, volunteering & work experience. I have an interest & good knowledge of a particular area in law so planning on concentrating on that as i really love it even though, I've been reading about it for nearly 10 years!

Its not even a choice now. I can't stay with him. I am starting to hate him. I will destroy him as a person, i would literally peck him to pieces.

He is my 4 younger dc father. They are my absolute priority. Tbey love him regardless of his behaviour. So i purposefully shut up & scream silently but actually lately want to roar & shout at him, something i never ever have done.

Our oldest dd has started to say stuff. Shes realising this is not a 'normal' environment.

Dd is my motivation as i want her to always know her worth.

With the younget dc i don't want to waste anymore of their childhood.

You've got this Nicky. Keep going and keep posting.

You come across as really strong and together Nicky. You have a good plan and have considered everything so I think you will be absolutely fine :) the relief you will feel when he’s gone will be immense. As others have said, don’t look back, look forward. Your life will be your own now to live as you please. Be kind to yourself, give yourself some little treats, I buy myself flowers quite regularly. I honestly think you will handle this just fine.

How are you @nickynora? You deserve a great future free of this parasite.