I think I’ve lost all perspective on my relationship with my ExH.
We were married for 25 years & separated for 3. We are not yet divorced although he has started the process.
We married quite young - I was 18 , he was 24.
We were very fortunate to never had any real financial problems - there were tight times but we were always ok.
I think we had a good marriage although there was a number of incidents that left my friends horrified but I just thought were normal (he was my first proper relationship).
During my 21st Birthday get together he announced I was the worst ‘shag’ he’d ever had. He has always completely denied this despite having witnesses.
Later on when we had DCs we went on holiday over Christmas & New year for 10 days. We booked it together & both agreed on the resort etc. Within the first day he decided there wasn’t enough trees so refused to ski. On day 3 - Christmas Day - one of the DCs said something about how DH was ruining the holiday by sulking in the apartment. DH blew up and demanded we pack up & leave there & then. I started crying on the bed with DH over me shouting & poking his finger at me. My DS was shouting at him to stop.
We packed the car & then he announced he’d booked for us to out for something to eat. I can still remember sitting in the restaurant with a lump in my throat & physically not being able to eat & tears rolling down my face.
We drove 13 hrs home with him asking why I wasn’t talking.
Another occasion a very dear friend was round for tea with her DCs. I asked him in the wrong tone of voice if he wanted cream or ice cream with his apple pie. He didn’t talk to me for a week. I literally remember getting on my knees begging him to talk to me & what I could do to make it up to him.
In our later years I stopped going out with friends- he would phone every half hour saying he was worried about my drink getting spiked.
I managed to talk to him about it once & he said ‘he didn’t need anyone else so doesn’t understand way I did’
Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t paint my toes- who was it for ? I stopped seeing my friends.
I left. My son had to call the police because he was threatening suicide. I sat with him one night for hours while he ran a knife up and down his leg. He put his hands around my throat. He put cling film over my mouth.
I know it’s wrong but I miss him and I don’t know how to move on.
I have a new DP who treats me like a princess.
I just don’t know how to exist outside of my old relationship that was for most of my adult life.