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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Those of you that are unmarried and separated....help please.

19 replies

Bambi99 · 17/08/2018 13:25

Hi
I am slowly coming to terms with the possibility i need to end my emotionally abusive and loveless relationship, i'm just really scared how things will work out mostly regarding our DC. Those of you who are unmarried how did custody of your children get divided? I have been told that it is different to married couples, i've also been told it is normally 50/50.
I'm assuming he will want to go to court in order to get as much control of things as he can. What sort of things did the courts make you agree to? Any stories u can share or advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bambi99 · 17/08/2018 20:35

Bump x

OP posts:

NickyNora · 17/08/2018 21:20

Sorry no advice but hope someone with some good advice answers you shortly.

Theoldwillo · 17/08/2018 21:27

Hi Bambi

You can usually get free 20 mins legal advice somewhere, but I have split from my DP atm, and I am the primary carer for our children as I am their mother, DP has them 3 nights out of 7.

Why do you think he will goto court? I can imagine him being abusive and threatening it but if it actually comes down to it, I'm sure those threats will be empty. Hope you are ok

Theoldwillo · 17/08/2018 21:27

I should also add that we are not married either.

Sarahandduck18 · 17/08/2018 21:30

Both have equal parental rights but this doesn’t mean the dcs live half the time with each.

You only go to court if there is a dispute.

Do the dcs live with you now?

How much contact do they get?

Isn’t ex contented with that?

ThreeFish · 17/08/2018 21:35

Is he named on the birth certificates?
Do you not want him to have any future contact, yet he lives with you now?

Original poster

Bambi99 · 17/08/2018 21:36

Thank u for the advice. We're still living together atm. I am a sahm and he works, I am just getting advice and making sure things are in place to leave if he doesn't change which I really believe he won't at this point. I believe he will go to court as his brothers both did that and they have done it a couple of times over silly things as the family like control, they see the kids as belonging to them and are very selfish over sharing. I am worried about my dd with sen needs being disrupted by being bk and fourth every few days. I was wondering if a weekend each and him have them one day in the week, I'm just wondering how likely this is?

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 17/08/2018 21:38

I left when ds was 3. I got a job & flat 70 miles away. And I let Ex comes to see ds once a week. He didn’t try for 50% custody or even go to court because it would mean
a) him spending money on a solicitor,
b) him adjusting work hours to be there for ds,
c) him dealing with small boy food, clothes, dirt etc
d) him not being able to go to the pub without restriction

So I just suggested how things might work to suit ex, and left ex to decide that he agreed.
Ex now does the bare minimum in return for access to clean, fed ds while being required to do very little.

I do all the work but I also get to decide how ds is raised, schooled etc and have ds for 325 nights a year. Which suits me fine. and ds sees his dad every week and is happy too.

Seniorschoolmum · 17/08/2018 21:40

Op, How old are your dcs ?

Original poster

Bambi99 · 17/08/2018 22:14

My daughter is 5 my son is 3. I know he would want to be Involved with kids and is great at playing with them, but avoids the other stuff. If u moved away he would apply to the courts for an order to get me bk. He wud want 50/50 would the courts just automatically agree to this?

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 18/08/2018 03:59

Ok, so if you are in the UK, you are entitled to live wherever you wish as long as you facilitate access, which means you make the dcs available to their df. He can’t get a court order to “get you back”.

On contact, he could apply to the courts for 50:50 and they make an order granting up to 50% although if you have been the primary career up until now, that’s unlikely. It would more likely be a lesser percentage, working up to 50% as they get older. The court would take your ds’s SEN in to account.

Would your dh really want 50%? It is one thing to go to court and demand his rights but quite another to do 50% when that means adjusting his work schedule to do school drop offs and pickups, looking after dcs when they are sick & off school etc.
You need to speak to a family solicitor for advice.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/08/2018 04:12

Seniorschoolmum has good advice. The starting point is what is in the children’s best interest and the assumption is made that it is in their interest to have a relationship with both parents but also to continue with their normal life as much as possible. So the fact that you are the main carer would be a big factor.

As far as I know whether you are married or not makes no difference to custody arrangements. However it does matter to division of assets. Try asking women’s aid for advice and good luck

fontofnoknowledge · 18/08/2018 08:07

As you know OP there are few 'rights' for unmarried partners - however it's not as straightforward as 'no help'. Your children are very young and need to be housed. Do you/he own your property. ? It MAY be possible to make a claim against him under schedule 1 of the Children's act.
It is definitely worthwhile seeing a lawyer for advice. Money well spent even if you can't get a free advice spot.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 18/08/2018 09:45

Thank u for the advice. I have seen with their family and break ups that they like control and they're very selfish. The bro went for 100% custody even tho he worked, he got 50% and most the time when he is at work the mom has the kids. I know this would be my dp intention, but I don't feel that's gd for them. She won't cope with the sen needs and will just smack him. What is schedule one of the child's act. X

OP posts:

fontofnoknowledge · 18/08/2018 10:50

It's the law that covers children and their welfare, if a couple separates one partner can ask a court to transfer the property into their name, whether the property is jointly owned by both or solely owned by the other partner.
This is only granted if the court feels it is in the best interests of the children and it is usually only done for a limited period of time, for instance until the youngest child is 18.

lifebegins50 · 18/08/2018 11:41

Childcare arrangements will not be impacted by marriage.

If you dispute arrangements then cafcass will get involved and their focus is best interests of the children.
It is tough to judge what will be the outcome but courts don't award 50% as a default, especially if one parent has been the main carer.

Financially you are are on weaker ground, what is the housing situation? Best to plan for CMS, with tax credits and income from a job. As the children get older working may get slightly easier.
Do you have local support or would you want to move away? You can move but your H can apply to stop it if he believes the children will be impacted. As long as you can show a plan to see both parents then it is usually allowed.

It is however a long and difficult process through courts but if your Ex is abusive and needs control, it cannot be avoided.

I have had to go through it as Ex will not listen to anyone and wants his own way so only a court can overrule him.

It often looks impossible at the outset but take one step and slowly everything becomes clearer. Ger support in rl and online and accept it is a journey to a better life.

Original poster

Bambi99 · 18/08/2018 15:19

Thank u, it is a slow journey and atm I am just getting myself emotionally prepared and planning what is best for kids. Ideally I would like to move away as his family are abusive in public to ex family members and believe it will be no diff for me. I am not working atm as dd isn't full time at school due to issues in behaviour, this should change over the next year. I will then be able to work part time as my son will go to nursery for the free 15 hours. Our house is a joint mortgage and we have about 120,000 equity in it. I am unsure how I will live after. Ideally I would if liked to get a mortgage to prevent having to continually move, but don't think a bank will take benefits into account. Therefore I'm assuming I will have to rent privately so maybe able to move at least 40 min away, although dd school is here and feel I won't be able to move her. I am very confused and anxious x

OP posts:

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 18/08/2018 15:37

The family sound like a bunch of charmers and exactly like my outlaws. I am splitting with my partner and in a very similar situation. He is demanding 50/50 and has threatened to expel me from the family home and declare himself to be the primary carer. We jointly own this house with no mortgage and he owns 4 other properties. I have started mediation in the vain hope that we can have an amicable agreement but he is emotionally abusive and controlling. Also manipulative and convincing. A social worker explained to me that it will very likely go to court. I have looked at the Children's Act too (section 1). There is no guarantee I can stay in the house or ask him to leave. Also - either one of us can force a sale of the house. It's a horrible situation to be in and I really feel for you, but it sounds as if you have had enough and don't want lasting damage for your children. Stay strong. You can do this. Not surprised his brothers have been deserted by their partners. They all sound very similar. My stbx partners siblings have threatened me too. It's really none of their business, but they believe their brother that I am an 'abusive alcoholic'. Women's Aid is incredibly helpful in accessing solicitors who give free consultations and are affordable. Also Citizen's Advice give online consultations. You could also look at 'entitled to' which shows what benefits you could potentially claim. Can you not stay in the house until you are able to get a job, then sell up and move once you are eligible for a mortgage? Get an order in place to stop the inlaws coming near you. You might find that your daughter's behaviour improves with him out of the picture too - not knowing the extent of her SEN. Banks do not factor in benefits. Good luck. I will keep you updated once I find out more

Original poster

Bambi99 · 18/08/2018 19:25

Thank u so much for the advice. U sell well shot of your ex and his outlaws lol. I hope things go as u want. Its very emotional when they're convincing with their lies and come across like nice guys. I don't really want to stay in the house tho as four doors down his parents live... Which is why he pushed so hard to buy this house which was really put of our comfort zone. I am intending to get some more advice for women's aid once my dd is back at school. I am just so scared I will lose my kid or they will have their input on them alot as I have seen how they have acted with the sibling seperation, they can't put the kids first they are childish all about winning. I'm gonna put my big girl pants on none the less. Thank u xx

OP posts:

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