45, first time pregant after 4th IVF and H emotionally abusive

[13Jiblet]

Hi ladies. Pleased to meet you all. I'm new to mumsnet andI am so glad I am on here as I am virtually alone.

I am finally pregnant after many years of trying and thousands of pounds leaving my account (my husband did not contribute). My husband is, as I am finding out a narcassist.

I was carrying twins. In week 8 I sat on the loo almost 2 hours bleeding heavily and after various A&E visits and EPU it was confirmed I lost one and the other remains. I am now 11 weeks today.

On week 9 (exactly 7 days after the miscarriage) my husband was due to fly to Sydney to see his parents with his 13 and a half year old daughter from his ex. He had a massive arguement with me because I asked him to tell his parents and familyy the truth as to why i wasn't flying with him (he booked the flights 7 months earlier for him and his kid, and if I didn't pay for my flight again (I pay for 90% of al hols) i wasn't invited and in 4 years of marriage, non of his family had ever called me or spoken to me). Anway, as he left the house, ranting and raving, he told me to get out, to move back west with my parents and that half the house was his.

He was out there 2 and a half weeks. He did no call me once to see how i was or if his baby was doing well. I spent that time with horrendus morning sickness and didn't go out to drive to supermarket as I had fainted out of nowhere in the street 2 weeks before.

So, he arrived back to the UK on Sunday. I had cooked a meal and the house was spottless and all washing and ironing done. He ate the food but did not utter a word. It is now Friday and he has still not spoken to me. I am beyond despair. How can aman behave like that towards his wife and unborn child? He has cooked meals for himsef in the evenings and there is nothing for me when I get in from work at 8pm. He washes his own dishes but is petty enough to leave a spoon or plate I used in the sink.

All I do is cry. This is my first baby and will probably be my only child if God willing I carry my little bean full term. I live all the way out in east kent away from my family just so he could live near his daughter. My family live 60 miles away west London. I told the mid-wife of his emotional abuse. She said that if I need ti transfer my care I will need to start all of the process again with a new mid-wife in west london. I am loathed to burden my 70 year olf parents, I have no one going to appointments with me, no one asking how I am. Part of me thinks I should pack a bag and leave for good. Part of me is waiting for him to see sense and apologise but I know he never will as he is a narcisist.

His 13 year old was a mistake (and I know that sounds horrid, I don't mean it like that) - he got his ex pregnant and they had to marry to legitamise it. She then threw him out due to his anger issues when the daughter was 3. In my case, we have tried for a baby for 4 years, been to every clinic together. ... and now that I am pregnant, as his wife, he treats my like dirt on his shoe.

Has anyone else been through something like this?

xxxx Thank you for reading. Just needed to get this out even though it is over the airwaves. x

We were fine for a year or so. Like perfectly and he was trying really hard. It's because we bought a house together, the first property he had ever owned ad he was feeling proud and happy and we were happy. But then 3 weeks ago it all changes. Believe me I hold my ground with him when he picks a fight bit the ghosting the last 3 weeks and now not speaking to me in my condition has changed everything. When you are with an emotional abuser at first you don't know its happening and you blame yourself, improve yourself, give the other more, compromise more... but this time it's like I woke up. Of course I wanted a child more than anything in the world and so did he but I'd never do it out of wedlock... I thought he was the one, after 20 years of being single I found someone who was charming tall good looking well travelled etc. But after marriage, in close quaters the cracks slowly began to show. He has never fully told me why he left his ex with a 3 ywar old... but ive pieced it together from snoppets of info. He has his entire family in Aus fooled too. I think they don't speak to me because he has lied to them about who I am so I don't expose him. I'm an empath through and through, it's at my very core to help people and make them happy. I had no idea till after we were married who he truly was.

I posted on here because INEEDED to hear it. You can go crazy living with someone like that manipulating and using you. I thought it was all my fault. I needed to air it to normal folk of sound mind and you all say the same. I deep in my heart I know what to do.

THANK YOU all.
Xxx Xxx

We're here if you need it. I'm glad you had somewhere to express this all and process it. You've helped me by sharing this too. Honestly I won't go into it all (I can start a new post with that) but I relate to you a lot in your personality and your internal process of self worth.

Keep us all updated won't you? 💜

Reading your opening post I felt that you were asking for permission to leave, you have certainly got it from me. Get yourself & your unborn child away from this abusive loser before he does any more damage to you.
Personally I would concentrate on my baby & then getting rid of him.
Good luck with your pregnancy & tell yourself every day that you deserve better than this abusive arse.

You are a smart woman who has a lot of insight into your situation.

You were desperate for a baby and didn’t want to do that alone. You met a man who you hoped would be a good husband and father but you misjudged him. I’m sorry he’s turned out to be such a shit but you don’t have the time and energy to waste trying to make this work anymore. You can’t change who he is .

As Pp have said , cut your losses NOW.

You can transfer your Antenatal care now. Move to your parents area - live with them or rent something nearby. They are 70 not 95- why would this be a burden ?

How will you manage with your work ? Can you commute or transfer ? Do any of your colleagues know your situation and are they supportive?

Get legal advice from a colleague who specialises in this area and sort out a separation and divorce.

Go for counselling - not to make your marriage work but to help you process everything that has happened.

You have a great job, plenty money, a loving family and you are expecting your first baby. You have so much to look forward to and a great life ahead.

I was married to this man. I left him with my LOs in my arms with just the clothes on my back. I was a gibbering wreck who could barely wash herself or cross the road I was that down trodden. Was the best thing I ever did. You and your precious baby deserve far more. You sound bloody amazing. xx

Sorry to hear he is being so horrible to you at this stage in your life. However I find it hard to understand how such a capable, strong woman has got herself involved with and has put up with such a nasty piece of work? Why have a child with this man as it is clear he is not a fit partner in the first place? Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope all goes well in the future.

Firstly, it's easy to get involved with someone and not see the whole picture... educated women are not immune!
Stop beating yourself up, he would take pleasure from your unhappiness! You need to get tough, you are this baby's last line of defence, it's time to get smart!

You are a professional, use these skills. Legally where do you stand? Prepare your case... tell everyone, every midwife, doctor, womens aid... leave a paper trail prior to filing for divorce!
Can you afford to relocate prior to selling your current home? Rent, add no assets he could claim.

^^completely agree

Good luck with the pregnancy. I agree. Leave him. He can have his half of the house and you and your bean start a new life without him. He sounds as if he is incredibly jealous of you and does not want happiness with a baby to add to your already incredible life. I have one of those and I have finally gathered the courage to go. Unfortunately I am not in a good position financially, but it has to be done for the sake of my children puguin86 you can do this too!

puguin86 - that sounds horrific. Surely a woman's refuse would help you? If you children are rotters as well as OH, just leave all them at the same time. You deserve far more.

Please don't stay with this horrible man op. At 70 you parents are not terribly elderly, you will not be a burden on them, they will be happy if you are happy. Thank goodness you are financially independent so you don't 'need' to stay with him. You deserve so much more, best wishes for you and your baby.

You sound so capable and intelligent. I think you know that you deserve much better.
God willing you are going to have a little baby to adore and the two of you can be very happy together.
H sounds like a nice father but a crap husband.
Please don't settle. You have all you need to be happy specially if you have your baby.
He isn't good for you. Consider your future carefully. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

I'm not sure I can contribute much but all I think when I read this is why oh why would you go back there other than to collect your things? Midwifery care is available country wide and transferring to another area will be a doddle compared to going back to this absolute arsehole. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve you or your baby.

Sounds like he couldn't buy the house without you and that was his goal.

If he really wanted a child like you did...you wouldn't have been the only one paying for it.
He would be concerned about you while pregnant with this much wanted child and wouldn't be nasty like he is.

He fooled you into thinking he wanted a child, as he may have thought that was how to keep you around.

Protect yourself, your baby and your finances.

This man doesnt deserve you or any woman. I'm sure he wouldnt want a man to treat his DD like this.

Don't cave in and contact him.

Stay with your mum, transfer your care and get any scans due in the interim done privately. I wouldn't go back.

My heart goes out to you. I've been married to a narcissist and bully for 19 years and have just begun divorce proceedings to finally rid him from mine and my kids lives.

You don't need this man in your life. I know it's hard but you need to prioritise you and your baby. Believe me when I tell you that the damage sustained to my children by my ex's bullying is deep rooted and devastating. I would do anything to take that pain from them but I can't. He will always be your baby's dad, but you can limit the damage by putting you and the baby first and limiting the contact that he has.

Please believe me that I understand how you feel. These controlling men make us feel as though we don't have the strength to escape. I have and you can too. You are worth more than this. Tell your family - I've been amazed by the support I've had from mine since I spoke out. I'm sure they love you and will want to help you to lead the best life you can.

Good luck!!

My baby is 6 months and I was in a similar position to you although in my case, my husband didn’t want the baby so wasn’t actively trying. His behaviour got worse and worse and I then started to bleed at 25 weeks and they couldn’t find a reason. I believe it was stress. Even now, whenever my son has a delay in something I’m convinced the stress caused it. Anyway, husband stepped up for a few weeks after the birth but things are back to being terrible and this is with a well behaved baby. If you have a more demanding baby will he support you or will you be walking on egg shells still? We are still together because I feel it’s harder to leave him now and he is becoming attached to the baby (despite being abusive still) and my worry is he will have contact and I won’t be there to supervise. I wish now I had left when I was pregnant. I would suggest you lean on your family for support. My parents were the only ones there for me when I was in hospital with the bleeding. You also don’t want to heaven forbid lose the baby and worry that perhaps it was the stressful situation that caused it xx

Hello and good morning all you amazing people. I could hug every one of you for spending a wee part of your lives to respond to me. I'm forever grateful.

Day 3 at mum's and he hasn't called to even find out where I am. He will be in our marital home, entertaining his daughter from his ex without a care. She will be relaxing on the bed I paid for, the sheets I changed, the room a cleaned but just like her father will never ask him where I am. He teaches her to be just like him, to never say thank you. He is a "good father" in that he has time for her but it's at my expense and time. I told him once that I am someone's daughter too and he shouldn't talk to me the way he does. His reply was "but your and adult" - .... so, in his mind it's okay to verbally abuse me. He is sick.

But every day without him is so refreshing in a way for me. Ive achoeved less personally in 4 ywars of marriage yo him than my achievements in the 5 years before. I know what im capable of outside of his clutches. All of us women are capable of great things. We've been pushing babies out for thousands of years, we can do this without an evil controlling man in our lives. I will, and he knows it. Unlike his ex (they are still Facebook friends so I'm not on his Facebook either, thats how weird this is), I litterally need nothing from him, not a penny so his control over me will only go so far. I just pray my baby arrives, healthy... the rest I will take care of whether or not he gets squashed in the process, I no longer care.

Thank you all. 💖💕

Usee1983, I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help you. Your H sounds like a total and utter arse and it must be so lonely for you. You need to start making plans for one day when your son gets older and needs less attention, you'll have time on your hands then and only the evil H around, you'll need an escape route. Squirrel some money away, find a course to do to meet new friends etc, gain the strength to get out. Xxx Big hug.

You’ve definitely made the right decision. Do you think he will get in touch? What are your next steps in terms of the house and bills? Well done! So proud of you!

Where u have your care is really not an issue. I moved at 35 weeks and I simply turned up at the new gp and asked for a midwife appointment. It wasnt a problem. As you have no financial reason to stick sround leave and then see a solicitor re your share of the assets.

The next phase will probably be full on charm, so be prepared op, the shit stuff is who he really is, the nice stuff will be to try and reel you back in. Good to hear you are feeling so positive. Good luck.